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Hey, You Know Me… Would I Do That Sort of Thing?

Well, this is not the way to start a long weekend, I can tell you that.

I’m still at work, just itching to make some semblance of progress on my project so I can declare ‘mini-victory’ and get my sorry ass home for the evening. There’s a program running right now, as I type, and if it works, I am so freaking out of here. I shit you not.

You know, as an aside, I’ve been giving that little euphemism quite a bit of thought lately, in all of it’s various forms. ‘I shit you not.‘, ‘Are you shitting me?‘, ‘I wouldn’t shit you!‘, and the ever-popular, if somewhat enigmatic, ‘Don’t shit a shitter.‘

I don’t know whether you’ve ever really considered this little group of sayings, but it begs the question — who in the hell decided that a good analogy for ‘lying to someone‘ would be something that sounds like ‘forcibly expelling that person out of your ass‘?

And more importantly, why the hell do we go along with it? Honestly, is there ever a time when you really, truly want to ask someone, ‘Pardon me, ever so sorry to trouble you, but I really have to know — are you, right now, physically shitting me?‘

I’m thinking not. For one thing, if that’s really what’s going on, you’re better off not knowing. On the other hand, if that is what’s happening, then I’m pretty sure there’s no way you could not know, and therefore no reason to ask. I know some people out there who struggle with that whole ‘self-awareness’ issue, but really, I have to believe that if you’re being shat, you couldn’t help but notice. It’s got to be pretty obvious.

Which is exactly the opposite of the situation when someone is lying to you, which is really the point, of course — the analogy doesn’t make any damned sense. (And here, you thought all along I was just going to beat the literal ‘shitting’ thing into the ground, and then leave you hanging. Tsk. Silly reader.)

Anyway, I think we need a replacement for this whole ‘shitting you‘ thing — something that better captures the uncertainty and guardedness of what is really at issue, namely whether one person is willfully misinforming another, whether for fun or profit. (Or both. Who’s picky?) We should have a euphemism that matches the mistrust, vulnerability, and moral indignation that comes with suspecting you’re being lied to.

(Yes, that’s right, I said ‘moral indignation‘.

No, I don’t know what other kinds of indignation there are.

Yes, I’m just repeating something that I’ve heard a million times, without really thinking about it.

No, I haven’t really actually heard it a million times.

Yes, I’m already regretting this whole set of parentheses.

No, I’m apparently not ready to straighten up and stop this nonsense yet.

Yes, I’ll get back to the damned post, in just a minute.

No, you really have no control over when it’s going to happen.

Yes, I think I’ve finally learned my lesson, and I’ll never use ‘moral indignation‘ again because it’s redundant and superfluous.

No, I don’t know what ‘redundant’ or ‘superfluous’ mean.

Yes, I know this has gone on long enough, I’m truly sorry, and I’m going to end it right now.)

(No. No, you can’t spank me as punishment. Don’t get me started again, dammit.)

Anyway, I say we need something that better captures the essense of ‘Hey, dipshit, are you lying to me?!‘ I’m not sure I have the final answer, but perhaps something along the following lines would be more appropriate substitutes for ‘Are you shitting me?‘:

• ‘Are you farting and then blaming it on me?‘
• ‘Are you pissing in the shower and then denying it?‘
• ‘Are you cutting me off in traffic and pretending you don’t see me?‘
• ‘Are you secretly masturbating in public when you think no one is looking?‘
• ‘Are you keeping cloned babies in your basement to harvest for organs?‘
• ‘Are you really a [man / woman ] leading a dirty secret life?‘
• ‘Are you sneaking off for a three-martini lunch without me?‘
• ‘Are you married to multiple partners without any of them knowing?‘
• ‘Are you stealing my identity and slowly siphoning off all my money?‘
• ‘Are you having sex behind the dumpster at Denny’s for extra cash?‘

See? Now there’s some shock and outrage, and some realistic accusation! That’s the kind of thing we need to be saying to each other — it makes our intentions so much clearer, don’t you think?

So, I tell you what — I’ll get things started. Whenever I think somebody suspects that I’m lying to them (not that I would, of course, but you know how paranoid people get), I’ll turn one of those phrases above into my declaration of innocence. Like so, for instance:

‘Hey, dude — would I secretly masturbate in public when I think no one is looking? Come on!‘

Um… oh. That was probably not the bext choice of example. Ouch.

On second thought, just never mind the whole thing. I’m cool with ‘Would I shit you?‘, whether it really means anything or not. I see now that the status quo is the way to go. I have opened my eyes and seen the one true path. Just forget I said anything at all. And, um, especially that last thing, if you would, please. That’s really not the sort of thing that needs to get around. I can barely look grandma in the face as it is. *sigh*