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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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An Ass By Any Other Name…

Some people judge others by how much money they make, or what car they drive. Others pigeonhole folks based on the color of their skin, or the country they’re from, or the clothes that they wear.

Well, not me. I say that’s foolish. And it’s simply wrong-headed to mentally label other people based on such trivial differences.

Instead, I’ve got a much better way to sort people out. I categorize people based on which words for ‘ass’ they’re willing to tolerate and use. It makes about as much damned sense as the other ways above, and — trust me — it’s far more entertaining. Let’s have a look at the buckets people can fall into, shall we?

1. The Mary Poppins type:

These people wouldn’t swear or curse if you snuck up behind them and yanked the sticks out of their asses. They’re generally uptight, repressed, and wildly uncomfortable in their own skins. And they’ll go to great lengths — great, ridiculous, annoying lengths — to avoid saying anything that might be embarrassing to themselves. Or others. Or any children that might be listening. Or Mother Theresa. Needless to say, I don’t understand these people at all. Many of them are probably Amish.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘backside’, ‘tuckus’, ‘hindcheeks’, ‘sitter’, ‘fanny’, ‘posterior’

2. The Dean Wormer type:

This is the no-nonsense group — they’re only going to talk about asses when there’s a damned good reason, and there’s not going to be any fooling around. Just like the original ‘Dean Wormer’, they’re not into bathroom humor, lowbrow shenanigans, or any sort of artsy-farting around. And they’re the type of people who would actually use the phrase ‘artsy-farting around’. These people don’t like me. Most of them just shake their heads sadly at me now.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘butt’, ‘rear end’, ‘ass’ (only when provoked), ‘rump’, ‘seat’

3. The Pauly Shore type:

These people are creative with their ass nomenclature, but not particuarly lewd or vulgar. Like the ‘Weasel’ himself, they’ll be silly, childish, and goofy with their ass talk, but you’ll rarely hear any actual profanities. I get along just fine with these people. Except when I want to punch them.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘gluteals’, ‘booty’, ‘bum’, ‘pants-holder’, ‘groove thang’, ‘popo’, ‘heinie’

4. The Richard Pryor type:

This group can be — hell, is — pretty gross. But it’s a sort of matter-of-fact, ‘dirty because that’s the way I am’ sort of gross. They’re not trying to be rude, exactly — they’re just talking, and whatever comes out, comes out. They lay their ass words down, and move on, leaving Mary Poppinses aghast and drill sergeants disgusted. These are my peeps.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘ass’, ‘pooper’, ‘asscheeks’, ‘sphincter’, ‘gas tank’

5. The Dice Clay type:

These people sling filthy banter, just for the sake of flinging it around. They’re lewd, foul, disgusting, and vulgar. And lots of fun to party with. Occasionally, something they say will make you spew your drink through your nose. Some of these people are my heroes. Others should be locked in a cage. Often, it’s hard to tell the two apart.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘crapcatcher’, ‘shitshooter’, ‘turdlurcher’, ‘shitcutter’, ‘Hersheyville’

(And yeah… given that I just made up a couple of those under #5, I guess I end up in that neighborhood sometimes, myself. You caught me. Ya turdlurcher, ya.)

Anyway, try it out sometime. Listen carefully, to see how people refer to their posteriors. Or just blurt out ‘Nice pooper!‘ and see how they react. It may not be the most useful way to classify people, but it sure is a helluva lot of fun. And I’m not just blowing smoke up your shitshearer, either.

Permalink  |  7 Comments

7 Responses to “An Ass By Any Other Name…”

  1. Blueher says:

    “Shitshearer!” That is the best phrase of them all!

    That was hilarious!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    I will have to pay more attention to ass referrals from now one.

  2. glory says:

    Holy crap….this could be the newfangled Personality Test that could take livejournal by storm!

    And I’m damned proud to say that I’m a Richard Pryor :D

  3. Angel says:

    Ahhh – so many ways to say it… arse, behind-er, buttocks, derriere, chookie, fanny, keister, nates, prat, boo-TAY, tooshie, chocolate chute, shitter, puckered input, hershey burger…

    It’s not so much how often you imbue your conversation with a fancy fanny word, but whom you say it to, and in what context. ;-)

  4. Please be aware that ‘fanny’ is not a word for ass in the UK.

    You need to move a short way forward to see our fannies. (applies to women only)

  5. pickwick says:

    Same in the UK as it is here in Oz… and in a similar vein, but focussing on fannies *winces*, we actually have a show that does the rounds every so often, called ‘The Vagina Monologues’, during which you hear hundreds of euphamisms, the most hilarious of which is undoubtedly ‘cootchie snawtcha’, which they collected in central New South Wales, I believe. It’s great that the show grows and changes as they collect ‘monolgues’, euphamisms and anecdotes after each show and add to it. It’s hilarious and liberating, especially when you sing the ‘cunt song’ (I feel free to say that here, strangely!) to the tune of Frere Jacques, complete with rounds and in the company of little old ladies!

  6. croila says:

    An arse by any other name …

    Go and read this post by Charlie at Where the hell was I?: Some people judge others by how much money they make, or what car they drive. Others pigeonhole folks based on the color of their skin, or the country they’re from, or the clothes that they wea…

  7. Dawn says:

    Shitcutter always cracks me up.

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