Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

That’s It — I’m Sticking to Burgers This Summer

All right, look — before we go any further, I’ve got to say something here. I’ve tried to hush up and just ignore it, but I just can’t do it any more. I have to speak out. This has gone far enough. So here goes:

Somebody — I don’t care who; anybody — but somebody has got to have a talk with that guy… I don’t know his name, but you know who I’m talking about. He’s the brother, or in-law, or random hanger-on or something, on ‘Life According to Jim‘, or whatever the hell that Jim Belushi show is called. What is the name of that show, anyway? ‘Fat Guy Variety Hour‘? ‘King of Queens West‘? ‘No, I’m Not Dead Yet — You Must Be Thinking of My Career‘? Anyway.

The point is, this pudgy little popinjay — that’s this other dude, not Jim; keep up with me here — has somehow scored himself a string of gigs hawking hot dogs, and other meat-like byproducts, on TV. The first few were all right — cutesy, sure, and a little annoying, but harmless. Like a lobotomized lawyer dressed up in a tutu, maybe. Just for instance.

The latest ad, on the other hand, is just unacceptable. It starts with a closeup of our frank-peddling friend, standing in front of a grill, weiner in hand.

(See? See? I told you it was unacceptable. But it gets worse. Stick with me.)

So, immediately, without any warning or one of those ‘Mature Audiences Only’ notices on the screen, our dude starts waving his weiner around and talking about how much he loves girth.

(Seriously. I am not making this up. I’m a little squeamish just writing about it. *shudder*)

Anyway, he goes on like that for the rest of the ad! It’s ‘girthy’ this, and ‘girthy’ that, and in between, he won’t stop waving that damned weiner around. Won’t stop, that is, until he grunts like an animal and chomps down on the thing, and then lets loose a guttural, ‘mmmm… girthy… Girthy!

Honestly. It’s like something out of a low-budget gay plumper porn flick. I can’t even look at the TV when the damned thing comes on. I’m afraid the image of this guy licking his chops and sinking his teeth into a ‘girthy’ frank is going to burn into my brain and haunt me. That’d trump the shit out of my current phobias, lemme tell ya. It’s like eight kinds of horrible wrongness rolled into one and loaded on a bunful of mustard. Ugh.

So please, won’t somebody make this man stop? Hasn’t this gone far enough? It’s goddamned hard enough for guys to eat a hot dog as it is, without this rube pawing at his girth on national television. I think Skippy needs a good hosedown, is what he needs. ‘Girthy’, indeed. Harrumph.

Permalink  |  6 Comments

6 Responses to “That’s It — I’m Sticking to Burgers This Summer”

  1. wlfldy says:

    Ok. Curiousity got the best of me so I had to try and find this ad. A google search for girth only brings back ads for penis enhancement. Hmmm… Penis’s (peni?) and hot dogs… I’m sensing a connection here. Subliminal dogs…

  2. Brenda says:

    I have to agree, that is a most disgusting commercial!!

  3. You think they meant it that way?

  4. Orchid says:

    Oh good grief yes! Please! Make it stop!

    PS: Chubby Momma sent me. ;)

  5. Tamara says:

    uhm . . . . I don’t think we get that commercial up here . . . oh dear.

  6. JB says:

    I turned the volume down when this commercial came on and it made it all that more gay (gayer). It is the gayest commercial on earth and there is no warning. The only way to make this gayer is to have him shove it up his rump and yell “GIRTHY”. This commercial has been brought to you by “Big Gay Franks” found at your local “GAYMART”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved