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Mmmmm… That’s Zesty!

Today, I bought a zester.

Oh, don’t give me that look. It doesn’t make me less of a man. I saw it on Iron Chef, and those guys aren’t girly. Especially the one who’s a chick. You know she eats pizza with hands. Chili, too, probably. Yowie.

Anyway, I honestly don’t have any idea what ‘zesting’ is. After a little bit of testing this evening, though, I can safely report that it has nothing to do with my wife’s ass. Or so she says. Or so I’m taking, ‘Get that thing away from me — and put your pants back on, you freakin’ moron!‘ to mean.

Happily, though, this little contraption also turns out to be a ‘grater’.

(And no — I didn’t test it on an ass first. I used parmesan, thank you very much. I’m not an idiot. Everybody knows you grate your cheese first, then the asses. That way, you don’t have to rinse the grater in between. Duh.)

So, I’ve got a new toy. And I’ve never had parmesan grated so finely, so delicately, so tasily. My wife called it ‘fluffy’. And that was after the ass grating incident — so you know this shit was good.

Now, I’m looking for other shit to grate. Or zest. Or shave. Unfortunately, we’re not fancy enough to keep fresh limes or cinnamon sticks around — so I’ve been improvising. I shredded a kielbasa with it. I don’t know why, exactly — nobody’s gonna eat grated indistinguishable beef parts. Not when it’s not called a ‘McBurger’ of some kind, anyway.

Then, I moved on to broccoli. That was sort of messy — it just ended up as a big greasy puddle of green goo. Frozen broccoli was a little better… but not so tasty. I wouldn’t recommend it on top of your spaghetti and indistinguishable beef part-balls. Just for instance.

So, I’m still on the lookout. I’m going back in the kitchen with a Snickers bar, a coconut, and a purple Nerf football. I’ll let you know what I find out. And I’ll be sure to rinse all the ass off the thing, before I get started. Bon appetit, people.