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Better Eats… and Amazinger Feats?

In taking some time off from writing, I’ve gained an interesting perspective on which few bits of fluff here seem to pique peoples’ interest, and which other bits — some of which I had squealingly high hopes for — are met with a collective ‘meh‘.

From what I can tell, the piece that has by far garnered the most attention in the form of comment, imitation, reproduction, distribution — and occasionally, plagiarism — is the Alton Brown taste-bud-in-cheek tribute, Good Eats, Amazing Feats. I’m not sure why, exactly. Maybe AB is the most popular person I’ve mentioned here, allowing me to ride his aprontails to mild notoriety. Or maybe he’s the least popular, making my list of ‘30 Things About…‘ him a top informational resource for ‘Good Eats’ on the web. Maybe netizens are uncommonly hungry these days, and starving (heh) for knowledge about gourmet cuisine, home cooking, and the Food Network.

(And maybe the entire last paragraph is a smörgåsbord of search terms, designed to lure a whole new troupe of foodies into my neck of the kitchen. Have I ever claimed to have any shame?

No. I didn’t think so.)

So, in appreciation of anyone who appreciated the original list — and, as an easy way to ease back into writing form — I’m happy (and hungry) to bring you:

Thirty MORE Facts About… Alton Brown

#31. Your grandmother may make biscuits that taste light and airy. Alton Brown’s biscuits have to be tethered, or they float right up the chimney.

#32. Too many cooks spoil the soup. Unless one of those cooks is named Alton Brown.

#33. Alton Brown ran a lemonade stand as a child, just like the rest of us. But Alton Brown’s lemonade was so delicious, he bought his house with the profits.

#34. Some salsas are so thick, a tortilla chip may break off when dipping. Alton Brown’s salsa has been known to trap entire herds of wild deer.

#35. Alton Brown grows truffles in his back yard. And at harvest time, he sniffs them out himself.

#36. In Alton Brown’s fridge, the open boxes of baking soda aren’t thrown out when they’re through absorbing odors. They go straight to the Louvre.

“#55. The Eskimos have fifty words for ‘snow’. Alton Brown has fifty words for ‘kosher salt’.”

#37. Like any trained chef, Alton Brown can make any of the five ‘mother sauces’. But Alton Brown also makes father sauce, grandmother sauce, and great-uncle-twice-removed sauce.

#38. Alton Brown’s oven is a Hotternell.

#39. Legend has it that a school of piranha can strip the meat from a full-grown cow in sixty seconds. Alton Brown can do it in thirty — and wrap the cuts in butcher’s paper, to boot.

#40. Alton Brown’s fudge brownies aren’t simply dark and rich. Alton Brown’s fudge brownies actually exert a mild gravitational pull.

#41. Gordon Ramsay calls Alton Brown ‘sir’.

#42. Alton Brown was once pulled over by a traffic cop who asked to see his driver’s license. Though he had forgotten his wallet, Alton Brown proved his identity on the spot by preparing a delicious stromboli using only the beef jerky, ketchup packets and stale doughnut scraps found in the officer’s car. Needless to say, Alton Brown was not given a ticket that day.

#43. To most people, ‘a pinch of salt’ is an approximate measure. To Alton Brown, a pinch of salt equals three hundred and twenty-four grains, exactly. And he can grab them, even blindfolded, every time.

#44. Alton Brown doesn’t need to brush. Alton Brown’s teeth are coated with Teflon.

#45. Cervantes famously said: ‘Hunger is the best sauce in the world’. Cervantes clearly never tasted Alton Brown’s remoulade.

#46. Alton Brown doesn’t use deodorant. Alton Brown brushes down with olive oil.

#47. Some chefs can sculpt fancy swans out of foil to hold their diners’ leftovers. Alton Brown’s diners never have leftovers.

#48. Alton Brown scrambles eggs into their individual component atoms. And can still make them into a tasty omelet.

#49. Most souffles collapse if you breathe too loudly near them. Alton Brown’s souffles are guaranteed fall-proof, up to 8.6 on the Richter scale.

#50. Alton Brown’s kitchen timer is an atomic clock. It’s set to GMT (Gumsmacking Morsel Time).

#51. You or I might cream leeks until they’re tender. Alton Brown creams leeks until they say they’re sorry.

#52. Alton Brown once carved a rose garnish from a radish peel so lifelike, neighborhood bees tried to pollinate it. He planted and watered it, and now Alton Brown has a whole rose garnish garden in his back yard.

#53. Some desserts are so tasty, they come with extra spoons. Alton Brown’s desserts are so decadent, he cannot legally serve them without defibrillator paddles for every person within a three-mile radius.

#54. Alton Brown owns the fastest mixer in existence. When he runs it in reverse, time flows backwards.

#55. The Eskimos have fifty words for ‘snow’. Alton Brown has fifty words for ‘kosher salt’.

#56. Alton Brown’s egg slicer can cut through cue balls, too. And when he’s done seasoning them, diners can’t tell the difference.

#57. Most chefs are happy when they’ve beaten egg whites into ‘stiff peaks’. Alton Brown isn’t satisfied until his egg whites can support a watermelon.

#58. Alton Brown doesn’t bother buying elbow macaroni. Alton Brown buys mezzani, and bends it with his will alone.

#59. The sweat from Alton Brown’s brow registers 30,000 units on the Scoville scale.

#60. Alton Brown once attended a charity ball where a prize was awarded for the best donation. Though he showed up seemingly empty-handed, he won the prize, anyway. Because Alton Brown brought flavor to the party.

[UPDATE: Now there’s a third installment of A.B. trivia! Have a gander at: ‘Mo Better Eats, ‘Mo ‘Mazinger Feats for thirty more ‘mazing Alton Brown facts!]