Recipe for Dog-saster

November 30, 2008

Ingredients

1 persnickety pooch, brown (and possibly mildly retarded)
2 home improvement contractors
1 long hallway, primed and ready for painting
1 large can of paint, white
1 kitchen door, adjoining hallway
1 doggie door, installed on far side of kitchen
2 dining room chairs, wooden
3 heavy coats
1 framed painting, 3′ x 5′
1 pooch/hallway owner, powerless to stop the ensuing madness

Preparation

Use pooch/hallway owner to construct clearly insurmountable doggie obstacle of chairs, coats and framed painting. Place pooch behind clearly insurmountable doggie obstacle, sealed away from long hallway.

“1 pooch/hallway owner, powerless to stop the ensuing madness”

Set owner aside for 8-10 hours at workplace, to earn money to pay for pooch, hallway and contractors.

Use contractors to spread paint evenly on hallway. Be certain to get the areas near the floor especially wet and sticky. Immediately use contractors to close kitchen door, sealing pooch (and all of its ‘juices’) away from doggie door.

Set contractors aside for at least 24 hours. Probably a week. Maybe longer; who the hell knows with these things?

Use pooch to easily surmount clearly insurmountable doggie obstacle.

Mix pooch and hallway well, making sure to slide haunches of pooch along freshly painted walls. If desired, also slide wet pooch haunches along heavy coats, dining room chairs and framed painting.

With doggie door inaccessible, dump doggie juices in middle of long, freshly smeared hallway. Repeat as necessary.

Return owner to house; mix with soggy long hallway, smeared walls and blithely wagging brown-and-white striped mildly retarded pooch. Simmer for 10-20 minutes. Send owner out for booze. And possibly electric dog prod.

Season to taste and serve with a side salad or vegetable medley. Bon appetit.