Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

When You Car Enough…

I’m walking a very fine and very uncomfortable line here.

A few weeks ago, bought a Prius for her new commute. This was, it turns out, the root of the problem.

The Prius, you see, is quite a well-equipped little number. You’d think a high-tailed humming eco-box would have all the amenities of an organic veggie salad. But you’d be mistaken.

Instead, this thing is all kinds of tricked out, doodad-wise. There’s a heads-up display. Built-in GPS. XM radio, free for a few weeks, at least. It’ll Bluetooth pair with a phone and take calls and play music and probably a whole bunch of other stuff. If you finagle your phone right, the car even comes with apps like Pandora and OpenTable you can fiddle further with.

“You’d think a high-tailed humming eco-box would have all the amenities of an organic veggie salad.”

My wife drives this nifty piece of kit to and from work every day. It’s a modern technological marvel. Past the actual steering-and-braking-and-making-the-car-go sorts of things, she’s figured out how to use about twelve percent of the fancy computer doohickeys. I’ll get back to that in a second.

Meanwhile, I’m commuting in our Nissan Maxima. It’s a few years old; we bought it used when an SUV pulled out in front of me a couple of years ago and mangled our last Maxima beyond recognition.

(I got airbagged. It was kind of awesome.)

Now, Maximas are no Soviet-era crapmobiles — and I love my car. I do. But I’m working a couple of generations behind here, and my wife’s car is beating the bejeesus out of mine in the tech department. That’s not cool.

I say this only because I’m the “tech guy” in our household. I deal with the computers and the TV remotes and anything with a screen or wires or “beepy-boopy noises” that can lead non-technophiles to run crying into the closet and screaming that they’ll “damned well come out when we turn Amish“.

Some non-technophiles. Allegedly. Ahem.

So that’s my job around the house. And let’s be frank here — it’s the only household chore I’m really any good at. I don’t dust. My dishwashing is decidedly subpar. And not only do I not “do windows”, I couldn’t even tell you what it is that people who “do windows” are actually doing when they “do windows”.

The point is, if I’m not programming a TiVo or coercing a laptop to pick up the wireless signal, I’ve got nothing. And my wife is now physically soaking in a mobile gadgetmotronic hot tub for an hour back and forth, five days a week. She’s practically pruny with technology. Some of it has to soak in. It has to. And then I’m cooked.

See, I don’t care if she has a car that goes faster. (It doesn’t.) Or revs higher. (No.) Or looks cooler. (Oh, please, it’s a Prius.) All of those would be fine. But if she’s got more cool tech — and figures out how to use it? I could well be out on the street. I’m only contributing one thing here. If the car teaches her how to stream music from the cloud or search old emails, she’s not going to need me any more.

(I know, right? Who’d have thought a woman could ever replace a man with a gadget of some kind? Inconceivable.)

And so, I’ve walked that uncomfortable line I mentioned. Every once in a while, I show her how to do something fancy in the car. Last week, it was fiddling with the HUD. A couple of days ago, creating custom Pandora channels. Because I’m helping! I’m still necessary. At any moment, there could be scary buttons that need pushing.

But I know that any one of these tricks could be the one, the gateway that makes it all click in her head and driver and machine become one and suddenly she’s Skypeing over the Prius’ satellite uplink and crunching fuel economy metrics on an odometer-enabled Raspberry Pi soldered under the gas pedal. And where will I be then?

Probably living in my car. So at least I’ll be glad again then to have the Maxima. Have you seen the back seats in those Prii? Cramped. Maybe if they’d spent more time on legroom and less on turning my wife into Judy freaking Jetson, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “When You Car Enough…”

  1. ema says:

    Roomba, roomba will be there for you. You’ll never be alone (unless you forget to charge the batteries of course…). Well, unless she needs it to clean the Priussssssshhhh

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved