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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

One Bunch of Helpful Readers Deserves…

…well, I’m not sure what you guys deserve, really. But based on some of the one-liners you’ve volinteered in response to my last post, I’d say a few of you deserve to have your mouths washed out with soap. For shame. hilarious, of course, but for shame. Welcome to my pervy little world.

Sadly, for what I need, an existing joke just won’t cut the mustard. Thanks for the old chestnuts — and for a couple that I hadn’t heard before; did you come up with those on the spot? — but if I’m to call myself a comedian some day, I’ll have to concoct my own ‘go-to’ joke. I’ll let you know if it ever happens.

Meanwhile, though, your wave of generosity — hey, shut up; three people can be a ‘wave’, dammit — has reminded me that it’s almost time for another ‘Weblog Milestone Sweepstakes’.

Never heard of it? That’s because I just made up the name. But we’ve been playing this game for some time. And here’s the deal:

When the old attendance meter for this humble little endeavor of mine rolls over to some new ‘satisfyingly round but fairly meaningless in the grand scheme of things’ number, I like to show my appreciation to the ‘lucky customer’ who’s put us over the top.

First, it was Sabrina at 10,000 visitors.

Then, it was… well, it was Sabrina again, actually, at 20,000 visitors.

(And how she managed that, I’ll never know. Also — I’m not sure she’s been back since. There’s only so much of this nonsense one person can stand.

Though she did start her very own weblog, LoserGenius Just Can’t Win, in the interim somewhere. I like to think I may have inspired her to write, if only in a ‘Pfffft, I can do better than that‘ kind of way. Sadly, her site seems to be in hibernation; Sabrina, you still out there?)

And then, it was Riri of Riri’s Brain Dump, coming in smack on the nose of 50,000 visitors.

And now — now, folks, it’s your turn. Well, one of your turns, anyway. Because some time today — or tomorrow at the latest — somebody’s gonna tick the old counter over to 100,000 visitors on the site.

(Yeah, never mind that 50,000 visitors came looking for pr0n. Or that another 49,900 came via BlogExplosion, BlogCrowd, or BlogClicker, and never stayed long enough to read the fricking title, much less any content. One hundred large is one hundred large, and somebody’s getting a damned reward for it — don’t argue with me.)

So, here’s the way it goes — if you’re reading this today (or any day, if you want to be nice), leave me a comment on this post. That way, I can match your IP address up to the IP address I see in the site logs, and figure out who gets the Grand Poobah Milestone Swag. Yeah, I just made that name up, too. I’ll stop now, I promise.

Anyway, if I can put two and two together — always a challenge for me — and determine who the winner is, then I’ll be happy to send you a little token of appreciation. A trinket from your wish list, perhaps, or a donation to your favorite charity. I’ll pay for your next lap dance, if there’s some way we can work out the details. Something like that.

(And no, before you ask, I won’t actually perform your next lap dance. Nobody wants to see that — and I hung up my pasties a long time ago. Besides, I’m not sure you’d have a lap large neough to accomodate me — this rumpshaker would need a little more breathing room than in days past. Yeeks.)

So, if all this sounds like a shameless plug for comments, well… it probably is, just a little. Still, that’s how it’s gonna be — and I’m not doing this again until I have a quarter of a million hits, so humor me just this once, all right? That day may never come. I should live so long, people. Happy Monday out there — and good luck!

***UPDATE***: Folks, we have a winner!

Thanks to everyone who’s commented — no, really, keep those coming, if only for the ego stroke — but the big number has come and gone, and we’re on the way to the next 100,000 probably porn-seeking surfers.

I’ll have more info — so you’ll know who to be jealous of — just as soon as the winner lets me know what it is that she wants. Yep, that’s right: ‘she‘. Why is it that women only seem to win this little game, anyway? If I weren’t running the damned contest myself, I’d say it was fixed. Humph.

Permalink  |  14 Comments

14 Responses to “One Bunch of Helpful Readers Deserves…”

  1. shelli says:

    I am here, I would make up some joke but I am at a lose of words

  2. The sheep's penis in the milk jug says:

    I am here as well…high on calcium and spermacide.

  3. susan says:

    You dont really need donated jokes,,, you are funny without trying. I dont normally leave comments but hell, i’d have a weeks worth of restless nights if i missed an opportunity to win something. I dont think i’ve won anything since that Meatloaf album in 1980. So I think im due! Will this be my luck day?

  4. SilverBubble says:

    I used to be really good at hitting milestones. I think my luck has run out, though. But hey, a gal can dream, right?

  5. Wildcat says:

    Congratulations on such a high mark on your hit counter. I’d like to think mine will reach that high someday, off in the distant, distant future. Thanks for all the laughs and smiles you continue to provide.

  6. shelley says:

    Is it me? Do I win? Hey, are you planning to provide that lap dance yourself? ‘Cause maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to win this particular contest after all …. ;-P

  7. Elisson says:

    For what it’s worth, I have a screenshot of your hit number 100,002 (dang!). I’ll e-mail that bad boy to you.

    [So much for me getting excited about my own big-ass Hit Number 15,000. Whoop-de-freakin’-do.]

    Well, 100k is a serious milestone. I will expect you to celebrate appropriately. Try not to puke on your shoes.

  8. chrissy says:

    Congrats, Charlie! I wish this was audio so I could say your name in a a cool Bronsonesque manner: “Charrrrlllliiieeee”.

  9. maria says:

    Hey! 100,000 came and went! very cool.

  10. maria says:

    Hey! 100,000 came and went! very cool.

    -I never win ANYTHING, dammit!

  11. special k says:

    Well, crap! And I was really looking forward to that lapdance.


  12. zoot says:

    To be random, because if you can’t be random on Charlie’s site, where can you be random?

    Charlie! Are you going to the game on opening day? You know the one, where the sox get those nice shiny rings that represent their ability to kick the yankees back to the bronx?

  13. Charlie, Long time no see! I realized that it’s been a long time since I paid you a visit. Congrats on your amazing stats. I’d like to give you some virtual flowers! I need to catch up a little on your blog. Looks like you’ve been busy.

    I don’t know if you’ve been over to my place lately, but I’ve I’ve had a facelift. Come check it out! And If you get a sec, could you please update my link? The new address doesn’t have that annoying “html” on the end. It’s so much more clean and to the poin now! Hope to see you soon. Deni

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