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Just the Facts, Ted

You’ll forgive me, I hope, for being rather scarce this week.

(Or you’ll forgive me for bothering to show up again. Either’s good. Reader’s choice.)

In my defense, I’ve been doing a fair bit of writing for other purposes — including a new Zolton Does Amazon piece that’ll show up over on ZuG.com in the next day or two. So keep your wish list peeled for that.

“I slapped a guy with his own mullet.”

In the meantime, I’m pretty pooped. Happily, there’s one piece I can share with you right now — a new sketch that I pitched this weekend for the next Ruckus show coming up in April at ImprovBoston. Maybe you’ll see it there. Or maybe you’ll see one of my other sketches there. Or maybe you won’t; when I find out, I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, it’s good to be writing sketches again. And also, having writing projects do double-duty as posts here. That gets me to bed early tonight. I knew this writing thing would work out for me some day. G’night, kids — enjoy!

[KATE sits at a restaurant table. On one side is STEVE, busily typing on a laptop. TED approaches opposite.]

TED: Hi… Kate?

KATE: Yes, hi! Ted?

TED: Yep. Wow, you’re even prettier in person.

KATE: Aw, you’re sweet. Please, sit down.

[Ted sits and looks at Steve, puzzled.]

TED: And this is…?

KATE: Oh, that’s just Steve. He’s my fact checker.

TED: Your fact… checker?

KATE: Oh, he’s fine. Just pretend he’s not even here, Ted. Is that short for ‘Theodore’, by the way?

[Ted nods. Steve types.]

KATE: And it’s Garrett with two ‘t’s?

[Ted nods. Steve types some more.]

KATE: Middle initial?

TED: Uh… ‘J’.

[Steve types, stops, and gives a thumbs-up to Kate.]

KATE: Great! So, Ted — your profile says you’re from Chicago?

TED: Yeah, that’s right.

[Steve types a bit, looks at Kate and shakes his head ‘no’. Kate looks at Ted meaningfully.]

TED: Well… we were in the suburbs of Chicago.

[Steve shakes his head again.]

TED: All right. Technically, it was Bloomington, Indiana. But I went to Chicago on a field trip once.

[Steve types, gives Ted a ‘Really?’ look.]

TED: Well, I was supposed to go. I couldn’t find my permission slip. (to Steve) Happy?

[Steve shrugs. Kate smiles sweetly at Ted.]

KATE: And I understand you work in a hospital. That must be really tough.

TED: It’s a challenge, sure. But very rewarding.

KATE: So, are you a doctor?

[Ted looks at Steve nervously. Steve types.]

TED: Um, not as such. But I am saving lives, in a way.

KATE: You mean, like a nurse?

[Steve gives a thumbs-down.]

TED: I’m a… different sort of healthcare professional.

KATE: A radiologist? A phlebotomist? Candy striper?

[Steve tilts the laptop over to Kate, who reads.]

KATE: A… clown? Like, you work in the sick kids’ ward?

[Steve types and peers over the laptop at Ted.]

TED: Actually, it’s geriatrics. They… dress me up like Howdy Doody and make me play pinochle.

KATE: I see. So, did you go to school for that?

[Steve types furiously through the next exchange, pausing occasionally to ‘check’ Ted into honesty.]

TED: Uh, not… exactly.

KATE: Well, where did you go to school?

TED: Penn. …sylvannia School of Beauty. …Altoona Campus. …Part time. …And I got thrown out.

KATE: So the hospital job?

TED: Community service. I slapped a guy with his own mullet.

KATE: Wow. That’s… wow.

TED: Yeah. Look, I should go. I’m sorry to waste your time.

KATE: Wait, don’t leave. This is the best date I’ve ever had!

TED: Wait… really?

KATE: Well, yeah. You’re the first guy I’ve met who hasn’t punched Steve in the face, or had a secret porn addiction. Or both. C’mon, let’s get out of here.

TED: Uh… okay?

KATE: But no funny business. I don’t believe in sex before marriage.

[Steve types, and clears his throat meaningfully.]

KATE: Before a committed relationship, then.

[Steve *AHEM*s again.]

KATE: Fifth date. …Third date? All right, FINE — pour a few martinis in me, and we’ll see what happens. Happy?

[Steve shrugs.]

TED: Well, I’m not saying anything will happen. But if it does? Let’s just say you won’t be disappointed.

[Ted and Kate turn to Steve, who types away, checks his screen, nods and gives a thumbs-up. Ted and Kate hug and squeal with delight.]