Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Just the Facts, Ted

You’ll forgive me, I hope, for being rather scarce this week.

(Or you’ll forgive me for bothering to show up again. Either’s good. Reader’s choice.)

In my defense, I’ve been doing a fair bit of writing for other purposes — including a new Zolton Does Amazon piece that’ll show up over on in the next day or two. So keep your wish list peeled for that.

“I slapped a guy with his own mullet.”

In the meantime, I’m pretty pooped. Happily, there’s one piece I can share with you right now — a new sketch that I pitched this weekend for the next Ruckus show coming up in April at ImprovBoston. Maybe you’ll see it there. Or maybe you’ll see one of my other sketches there. Or maybe you won’t; when I find out, I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, it’s good to be writing sketches again. And also, having writing projects do double-duty as posts here. That gets me to bed early tonight. I knew this writing thing would work out for me some day. G’night, kids — enjoy!


[KATE sits at a restaurant table. On one side is STEVE, busily typing on a laptop. TED approaches opposite.]

TED: Hi… Kate?

KATE: Yes, hi! Ted?

TED: Yep. Wow, you’re even prettier in person.

KATE: Aw, you’re sweet. Please, sit down.

[Ted sits and looks at Steve, puzzled.]

TED: And this is…?

KATE: Oh, that’s just Steve. He’s my fact checker.

TED: Your fact… checker?

KATE: Oh, he’s fine. Just pretend he’s not even here, Ted. Is that short for ‘Theodore’, by the way?

[Ted nods. Steve types.]

KATE: And it’s Garrett with two ‘t’s?

[Ted nods. Steve types some more.]

KATE: Middle initial?

TED: Uh… ‘J’.

[Steve types, stops, and gives a thumbs-up to Kate.]

KATE: Great! So, Ted — your profile says you’re from Chicago?

TED: Yeah, that’s right.

[Steve types a bit, looks at Kate and shakes his head ‘no’. Kate looks at Ted meaningfully.]

TED: Well… we were in the suburbs of Chicago.

[Steve shakes his head again.]

TED: All right. Technically, it was Bloomington, Indiana. But I went to Chicago on a field trip once.

[Steve types, gives Ted a ‘Really?’ look.]

TED: Well, I was supposed to go. I couldn’t find my permission slip. (to Steve) Happy?

[Steve shrugs. Kate smiles sweetly at Ted.]

KATE: And I understand you work in a hospital. That must be really tough.

TED: It’s a challenge, sure. But very rewarding.

KATE: So, are you a doctor?

[Ted looks at Steve nervously. Steve types.]

TED: Um, not as such. But I am saving lives, in a way.

KATE: You mean, like a nurse?

[Steve gives a thumbs-down.]

TED: I’m a… different sort of healthcare professional.

KATE: A radiologist? A phlebotomist? Candy striper?

[Steve tilts the laptop over to Kate, who reads.]

KATE: A… clown? Like, you work in the sick kids’ ward?

[Steve types and peers over the laptop at Ted.]

TED: Actually, it’s geriatrics. They… dress me up like Howdy Doody and make me play pinochle.

KATE: I see. So, did you go to school for that?

[Steve types furiously through the next exchange, pausing occasionally to ‘check’ Ted into honesty.]

TED: Uh, not… exactly.

KATE: Well, where did you go to school?

TED: Penn. …sylvannia School of Beauty. …Altoona Campus. …Part time. …And I got thrown out.

KATE: So the hospital job?

TED: Community service. I slapped a guy with his own mullet.

KATE: Wow. That’s… wow.

TED: Yeah. Look, I should go. I’m sorry to waste your time.

KATE: Wait, don’t leave. This is the best date I’ve ever had!

TED: Wait… really?

KATE: Well, yeah. You’re the first guy I’ve met who hasn’t punched Steve in the face, or had a secret porn addiction. Or both. C’mon, let’s get out of here.

TED: Uh… okay?

KATE: But no funny business. I don’t believe in sex before marriage.

[Steve types, and clears his throat meaningfully.]

KATE: Before a committed relationship, then.

[Steve *AHEM*s again.]

KATE: Fifth date. …Third date? All right, FINE — pour a few martinis in me, and we’ll see what happens. Happy?

[Steve shrugs.]

TED: Well, I’m not saying anything will happen. But if it does? Let’s just say you won’t be disappointed.

[Ted and Kate turn to Steve, who types away, checks his screen, nods and gives a thumbs-up. Ted and Kate hug and squeal with delight.]

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved