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It Ain’t a ‘Fireside Chat’, But It’s All I’ve Got

Hey, everybody. Okay, now — file in orderly. Take a seat up front, don’t be shy. Fill in the middle of the rows first. Get comfy. It’s time for another ‘State of the Blog‘ address. Okay, is everyone seated? Good. Let’s get started.

Ahem. First, I’d like to thank all of you for taking time out of your busy schedules to attend. I’m sorry I couldn’t provide any snacks, or booze, or… you know, chairs or anything. There’s really not much of a budget for this sort of thing. Maybe one day I’ll at least be able to heat the garage… er, meeting room. In the meantime, I wouldn’t let any exposed skin touch the floor. It’s been freezing all week, so there’s a good chance you’ll stick, and leave a little part of yourself here with me.

(In addition to your IP address and domain name, of course — I always keep those. I’ve even started a trophy case — you’d like it. It’s very tastefully done.)

So, let’s get down to bidness. First, I’d like to thank and congratulate the fantabulous fan — or critic; I probably should have asked — who stopped by to deliver the blog’s 10,000th visitor!

(And yes, I know that’s just an average day for some blogs. And that those 10,000 ‘visitors’ really represent repeat trips from, like, nine people, plus a bunch of misguided Google searches. And that my hits alone account for ninety percent of the total.

Nah, I’m kidding. I filter out all my own hits. And it’s more like Googlers and three people. But I digress.)

Anyway, I can’t thank all 10,000 people who came here (looking for ‘Stripperella naked’ or ‘jiggly tasticles’, or simply ‘hell’). But I can thank 10 of you, and that’s what I’m going to do — here are ten people who’ve really made a difference around here. And in no particular order, just so’s you people don’t get in a big slappy tickle fight over where you rank. Really, there’s plenty of you folks to go around.

(On the other hand, if you want to get in a slappy tickle fight… hey, go right ahead. Just make it sexy, and send me the pictures. Rub on oil on yourselves or something. You know, put some effort into it. That’s all I ask. Anyway, here’s the list.

Oh, and if you’re not included, please know that it’s not from a lack of gratitude. Really, I ‘wuv’ you all, as the teenyboppers say, but there’s just not enough space to acknowledge everyone. Plus, I’d still forget someone, and they’d either fall asleep during this, or get pissed at me, so I’m not gonna put you through that. And if I missed you… well, I’ll get you next time. Kisses, now!)

10. Andy over at Walking Stick has been checking in since… well, just about the beginning, really. He’s a frequent visitor, master commenter, and all-around cool dude. Thanks for bein’ there, man! Or… well, here. Thanks for being here. Yeah.
9. Lara has (perhaps unwisely) given me lots of encouragement and support. She’s even watched — and commented on! — both standup shows that I’ve done. Despite the Surgeon’s General warnings! Go say hi to Lara at 75 Degrees and Raining.
8. Suzette from Traveling in Style and I go wayyyy back, in terms of my blogging career. Like, to July or something! Freaky! She’s witty, fun, and even — are you sitting down? — knows how to make a kick-ass bowl of soup! She even published a recipe of mine! How’s that for a (brave) Renaissance woman?
7. Speaking of ubercool chicas, I’d also like to thank local superstar Shelley, from Cynical: A Life. Her blog name sums it all up, I think — we’re two peas scooped from the same pod. And she’s right here in Boston — someday, I’m gonna meet that girl!
6. And while we’re on the subject of brash and brilliant Boston bloggers, I’d also like to thank Hilatron of Blogatron fame. She was the very first — way back in July — to feature my drivel on her site, in a guest post during her ‘blogcation’. She came back refreshed and ready, and has been chugging along ever since. Go see; go see!
5. I can’t go any further without giving mad props to my buddy Buzz from BuzzStuff. And not just because when he linked to me and wrote a very kind blurb, my traffic tripled overnight. (Buzz has a lot of friends, and rightfully so.) He’s also a spectacularly nice guy, and a prolific updater. Show the man some love!
4. Let’s not forget Natalie over at Natalieville. I’ve only recently run into her, but she and I were cut from the same wacky cloth — we’re both into good beer, lots of parentheses, and the Toadies. Oh, and we’re both July babies. Spoooooky.
3. Amber from Learn to Speak Ebenese is the absolute coolest, folks. Not only does she visit often, and leave lots of yummy (read: smart-ass) comments, but she even took valuable time out of her mommy-and-blogging schedule to come to my very first standup show. In person! What a woman! And then she stayed (later than I did) to close the bar! Kick ass, Amber!
2. My favorite thing about Lucky at Crimeny.net is that my comments on her site often get me an email response, with material at least as quirky and hilarious as the stuff she posts. You people don’t know what you’re missing! (Oh, and sorry, Lucky, if you only do that for me — I didn’t know it was our ‘little secret’. Shhhhh!)
1. Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank my 10,000th visitor, Sabrina. I have to admit that I just met her today, but she’s tres cool, and a lot of fun! And — and! — this little experience has inspired her to start her own blog! Check out LoserGenius, won’t you? And tell her Charlie sent you. I’m her new biggest fan. And now I’ve got her wish list. Mwah hah ha! Mwah hah! Hah!

All right, let’s keep this train rolling, shall we? Oh, quit your squirming — for one thing, all you have to do is click all the links I just gave you, and I guarantee you’ll get a bulge in your blogroll. And that’s true whatever you decide you want that phrase to mean. And sure, the rest of this crap is gonna be all about me, but the sooner we get through this, the sooner we’ll get back to the hilarity. Or… the feeble attempts at it, anyway. Oh, just hush up. It’ll be over soon. Here, have a peanut. Be cool.

So, back to the agenda. Let’s talk milestones — look, I’ll only do this once, and then it’ll be done. I gotta get this out of my system. As I mentioned, today the blog received its 10,000th visitor, courtesy of Sabrina. Cool. The blog is also coming up on its half-year anniversary — it’s actually on the 17th, six long months after the post that started it all. Reading it again, I see that not much has changed. I haven’t gotten any better, or nicer. I space my parentheses a little differently. That’s about it. Progress, schmogress. Poop on that.

Okay, so let’s wrap up with some other upcoming events. For anyone who’s interested and local — or crazy enough to come all the way to Boston — the 17th is also the date of my next standup show. Once again, it’s at the Emerald Isle (1501 Dorchester Ave. in Dorchester); swing by, and I’ll buy you a beer. After my set. After. I’m as punch-drunk on the stage as I need to be already. But see me after — I’ll hook you up.

Also, I’ll remind you that the WizBang Blog Awards 2003 are still going on — until the 15th, I think. (Hey, I should also thank Kevin over there for putting it all together, and — again — Buzz for nominating me for Best Humor Blog; lots of great new people have come over from there, and I’m muy grateful.) So get over there and vote — if not for me, then for your favorites in all the categories. Or find a new read, and vote for it. Don’t just sit there, dammit! This thing’s not gonna be open forever; don’t you want something to tell the grandkids someday?

Finally — hey, wake up! It’s almost time to go — keep an eye out for my Weblog Review treatment, probably coming over the weekend sometime. I’m currently second in line for a review — that’s next to next! — so keep your fingers crossed for me to get a kind reviewer. With a good sense of humor. Who likes ridiculous drivel and snarky jokes about asshats. And… yeah, I really don’t have a prayer, do I? I’m never gonna do as well as the last guy — Mark, over at R80o, who was treated very nicely by the crack review team.

(Hey, and would you look at that! He’s been on my blogroll for weeks, now. Maybe months! Hey, can I spot talent, or what? You go, Mark!)

So, that’s it. Thanks for hanging in there. Hell, thanks for coming by at all. I hope to see all of you again, very soon. Now, if you would, kindly file out through the hallway, and we’ll get you nice folks home tonight. Mind your step, and be sure to tip the valets. They’re working hard out there. Drive safely!