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How I Feel About… Orthodontists?

I don’t often get comments — real, non-spamspewing comments, anyway — on old posts. Hell, mostly I don’t often get comments, period. So when somebody takes the time to dig into the archives and leave me a note, I perk up and take note. Leave note, take note — that’s how it works around here, dig?

“When your doctor’s fingertips start pruning up because they’ve been soaking in you too long, something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong.”

And that’s just what happened a couple of days ago, when a fellow named ‘Pirate Dan’ stopped by to read, appropriately enough, How I Feel About… Pirates, buried deep in the bowels of the post pile. Here’s what Dan had to say on the subject:

‘You are half right. Pirates are good all the way around. Way more fun than orthodontists.‘

Really? Is that so? Way more fun? Well, there’s only one way to find out. You know the drill by now, folks. Let’s rock.

How I Feel About… Orthodontists

Orthodontists are BAD because they’re the people who give you braces. And generally speaking, people who shove bits of metal into your mouth or connect parts of your face together with rubber bands are

to be avoided. With extreme prejudice.

Orthodontists are GOOD because their lobbies usually have better reading material than dentists’ offices. There’s none of that preschooler ‘Highlights Magazine’ bullshit. It’s not the really good shit, mind you — you’ll have to see your barber for the latest copy of ‘Hustler’ or ‘Nips Galore!’ — but it’ll get you through the wait.

Orthodontists are BAD because no one — and I mean no one — should spend so long with their hands in another person’s orifice. I don’t care if it is just a mouth; it’s unsettling. When your doctor’s fingertips start pruning up because they’ve been soaking in you too long, something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong. I don’t see anything in the Hippocratic Oath about that.

Orthodontists are GOOD because most of them keep a gaggle of dental assistants in the office. And ‘dental assistant’ ranks very high on the list of professions that is both fully legal yet likely to be staffed by a smoking hot perky honey. It’s right above ‘kindergarten teacher’, and just below ‘hostess at Hooters’. You could look it up.

Orthodontists are BAD because it’s not something that any kid wants to grow up to be. Fireman, maybe. Baseball player, sure. Owner of a strip club — what little boy or girl wouldn’t want that job? I know I’m still saving my pennies to give it a shot some day. But orthodontist? Metalmouth, please. I don’t think so.

Orthodontists are GOOD because they can, after all, improve the looks of your smile. And the alternative is… well, not so good. That dude could put an eye out chewing a stick of gum. Ouch. Who’s ready to floss now?

Orthodontists are BAD because it’s not an easy word to work with. It’s hard to type, and awkward to say. You can’t say ‘orthodontist’ and be sexy; it’s not possible. I dare you — try slipping into something sheer and skimpy, slinking up to your lover’s ear and whispering, ‘Oooh… ortho…dontist.‘ You’re not gettin’ laid tonight. No soup for you. Next.

Orthodontists are GOOD because there’s always a final trip to the orthodontist. Even if you’re fitted with the full-on metalmouth ensemble, there’s always a light at the end of the taunting. A year, or two, or three down the road, and you’ll never have to see that damned orthodontist ever again. Sort of makes you wish proctologists worked the same way, dunnit?

Orthodontists are BAD because they often hand out retainers. While not quite as socially debilitating as braces, retainers are still a bit spooky, in that they’re bits of hard plastic carefully measured and molded to fit the shape of your mouth. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m going to have a one-of-a-kind cast made of some part of my body, I do not plan on wearing it in bed, overnight, alone. And for the love of minty dental floss, I do not want it in my mouth! Not cool.

Orthodontists are BAD because they don’t give out treats when you’re finished with your visit. When your physician jabs you with needles and asks you to cough, you get a nice lolly. When the dentist drills your cavities into big smoking tooth holes, there’s at least sugar-free gum waiting at the end. Hell, even massage joints give you a choice — peppermint candy, or happy ending, stud? What does the orthodontist offer? A dead fish handshake and a ‘Happy Teeth’ sticker. Asshole.

Orthodontists are BAD because their entire job is predicated on putting things inside you, and making them stay there for weeks or months at a time. That sort of kink may play in Amsterdam or off the main strip in Vegas, but personally I’d like anything entering my body to get the hell out again as soon as possible. A little tasting, maybe some digestion, but then it’s time to get out. I’ve got a strict ‘No Loitering Inside Me’ policy. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.

So orthodontists are BAD. Actually pretty darned bad, at that.

And nowhere near as fun as pirates. I suppose Pirate Dan was right. I picture him out there somewhere right now, flashing his hand-hook and a crooked, gap-toothed smile at the victory. Give us an ‘Arrrrrrr‘, matey!