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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Excuse Me Whilst I Do Some Cipherin’

So, I’m wondering. I write a lot of shit here.

(And just to clarify, the emphasis in that sentence is on ‘lot’. As in:

I write a lot of shit here.

The emphasis is not elsewhere. Specifically, I’m not saying:

I write a lot of shit here.

You wanna say that, you go right ahead. I’m not doin’ it. I got plenty of people who can say that for me. And do, on a regular basis. The bitches.)

Anyway, the volume of stuff being spewed around here is pretty damned impressive.

(No, really! Be impressed, dammit! Be impressed!)

And I’ve spent a honkin’ big load of time writing this stuff down. And so, I began to wonder — just how many words have I typed in here, anyway? So I’m gonna check. And now you’re along for the ride. Keep reading, and you’ll find out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First, though, I’ll make a prediction. Here’s what I’m thinking. I’m guessing (based on an anecdotal report a few weeks ago by the lovely and talented Suzette) that the posts here average a couple of thousand words or so, give or take a paragraph. And I bet I’m up to one hundred and fifty posts or so by now.

(Ed. note: One hundred and sixty-nine, to be exact, if I’ve counted correctly. Which is pretty damned unlikely. But still!)

So — if I’m right, for pretty much the very first time ever — that should be well over a quarter of a million words here on the main site. Add to that the text from the 101 Things Posts, at maybe five hundred words per, and that’s around three hundred thousand words. Twenty weeks, three hundred thousand words.

(That’s three hundred pictures’ worth of verbiage, if you keep track of such things. Which is approximately nine issues’ worth of Hustler. Or, um, so I hear. If you can believe what you hear. On PBS. Moving on.)

So, let’s see how close I got.

(And no, that’s not the same thing I say after sex. Focus, dammit.)

Here’s what I’ll do. I’ve got weekly archives. I’ll copy the full text of each one — excluding the links and shit on the sides, so you can’t say I cheated — into Word, and do a word count on it. It’s not completely accurate, but it’ll do.

(What, did you think I was gonna sit here and count frickin’ words one by one? Damn. I mean, I love you guys, really, but shit — even I have better things to do. Pickin’ my damned navel is more interesting than that. Marginally.)

Then, using the bevy — that’s right, the bevy, and that’s not even the word of the day! Where else do you get highbrow bullshit like this? — of analytical tools at my disposal (i.e, a calculator), I’ll sum up all the weekly counts, and add in the 101 Things posts, and then we’ll see how well I guessed. Ready? Okay, here we go. Here are the tallies for each week in the archives, listed by the day at the end of the week:

June 21: 11,438 words (partial week)

June 28: 16,860 words

July 5: 14,529 words

July 12: 16,224 words

July 19: 11,110 words

July 26: 15,979 words

August 2: 9,863 words

August 9: 11,311 words

August 16: 12,768 words

August 23: 11,232 words

August 30: 11,678 words

September 6: 10,734 words

September 13: 13,209 words

September 20: 11,521 words

September 27: 10,316 words

October 4: 13,957 words

October 11: 12,618 words

October 18: 12,571 words

October 25: 11,959 words

November 1: 10,638 words (partial week)

Totalling those up, we get… lessee, carry the three… one plus six is seven… four plus nine is, um, twelve or so… 250,245 words.

Seriously. I was within one tenth of one percent with my guess. I’m not shitting you. I’m as amazed as you are. The shock around here is positively palpable. No joke.

Now, to be fair, I should subtract a couple of thousand from the total for the words that aren’t actually mine. The dates at the top each post, for instance, and the ‘Comments’ links. But you know what? Fuck it. I’ve easily edited out that many words — hell, I’ve deleted whole entries before they’ve seen the light of day, and Blogger’s done the same for me more than once. So the number stands. A quarter of a million words and change. Woo fuckin’ hoo. How’s that for verbosity, eh?

Now — if I can manage the mind-numbingly boring process of checking them all — let’s see about the 101 Things. I’ll roll the totals up by tens, to make it easier. (I’m all about enhancing your pleasure, you know. Um, your viewing pleasure, that is. I can only help you if you like to watch. You wanna touch? You’re on your own. Sicko.) Anyway, here’s the count:

Things 1-10: 5,391 words

Things 11-20: 10,141 words

Things 21-30: 6,542 words

Things 31-40: 7,779 words

Things 41-50: 6,602 words

Things 51-60: 7,649 words

Things 61-70: 8,260 words

Things 71-80: 7,317 words

Things 81-90: 7,814 words

Things 91-101 (plus the index page): 10,626 words

And that brings the total here to… 78,121 words. Heh. I’m a little bit wordier than I gave myself credit for. (By about fifty percent. I’m sure there’s a lesson in this somewhere. Oh, well.)

Anyway, the point is… um, yeah, I’m pretty sure there was no point. I was just curious. But I think it’s fair to say — even allowing for MS Word’s almost certain miscalculations — that I’m over the three hundred thousand word count. For what that’s worth, which isn’t much.

(As the old saying goes, ‘Three hundred thousand words and a buck will get you a cup of coffee.‘ A buck. Right. These assholes never went to Starbucks. Gotta take a damned loan out there to get a cuppa joe. Harrumph.)

So, that’s it. Sorry for the even-more-blatant-than-usual self-indulgence. I hope this bout of mathematical masturbation hasn’t lowered your opinion of me.

(Hey, to be honest, I feel better about myself. Oh, not about the number of words — that’s just gravy. I’m just impressed that I could add all those numbers up without blowing a damned artery. Woo, me!)

In any event, thanks for hanging in there. If nothing else, maybe I’ve proven my prolificality… er, prolifitatiousness… proliferitude? Um, my wordiage? How fucked up my priorities are? Anyone?

Whatever. All this tells me is what I already knew — week for week, pound for pound, more drivel gets slung around here than in any other blog, diary, or journal I’ve seen. So if it’s quantity you’re looking for, bub, tie up your horse and put the feedbag on. You’re gonna be here a while.

(And no, ‘tie up your horse and put the feedbag on’ is not some sort of weird Southwestern sexual euphemism. Not as far as I know, anyway. On the other hand, you can do whatever the hell you want while you’re cruising around the site. So sling on those stirrups and lather up if you want; just keep the baby oil off the mouse. You don’t want that puppy slipping out of your hand when it’s time to scroll, now, do you?)

Thus concludes the first (and almost certainly last) Where the Hell Was I? statistical blog summary. Tomorrow, we’ll return you to your usual menu of absurdist drivel. For now, good night, and try to get that image out of your head. You know the one — the cowboy, wearing nothing but a ten-gallon hat and a set of spurs, mumbling and fumbling with a lubed-up mouse as a pony neighs softly in the background. Yeah, that’s the one. Guh.

Man, it’s gonna be a long night. *shiver*

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