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You Say To-MAH-To, They Say Get the Moose

(Psyched about science? Me, too!

Two great tastes that science great together. How could you lose?)

I met a guy the other day whose name is Elias.

Only his name isn’t Elias. His name is pronounced “Elias”, and he certainly answers to “Elias”, but he gave me his business card and the first name on it is:

Alias

This makes me wonder what he did as a little tiny baby to piss his parents off so badly.

Because it’s one thing to give your child an unusual name. The Kal-els and Jermajestys and Moxie Crimefighters of the world have their own, sometimes spectacular, issues. But to name your kid “Alias” would seem to set him up for a lifetime of exasperating conversations.

With government employees. Who are already plenty exasperating enough.

Imagine the fun at a border crossing with a name like Alias. Not even a touchy border; say, just the one between the U.S. and Canada. Even the uber-polite Mounties would be all up in your business. Why do you list “alias” on your passport? Where is your real name, eh? What name are you hiding, anyway, hoser?

Honestly. You’d be cavity-searched by a randy moose before they’d let you cross into the country.

And that’s nothing, compared to what the DMV would do to you. Applying for a driver’s license would be like a hellish Laurel and Hardy routine:

DMV Flunky: Okay, sir. Do you have any any aliases?
Alias: No.
DMV Flunky: But you indicated “alias” here in the name column.
Alias: That’s my name. “Elias”.
DMV Flunky: Sir, aliases must go in the “alias” column. Names in the name column.
Alias: But that is my name.
DMV Flunky: What is?
Alias: “Elias”.
DMV Flunky: Elias is your alias?
Alias: No. My name. Right there.
DMV Flunky: This says “alias”. Those go in the “alias” column.
Alias: No, it says “Elias”.
DMV Flunky: Sir, we have a moose you’re going to need to talk to…

I’m just saying. I’m all for unique names. But one that will make you spend umpteen hours of your life, needlessly arguing with civil servant flacks?

That must have been one infuriating baby.