Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Particulars of Parenthood

I’ve hit the time in life when many of my friends are having children. Several of them already have kids, of varying sizes and ages. I don’t see these friends nearly as much as I used to.

“There are all sorts of things they have to buy — cribs and clothes and little itty-bitty straightjackets and such.”

It’s not because I’m allergic to children or anything — although I could be! — but rather that raising children is apparently a challenging and full-time job.

A what, now?

My parental friends try to put it into terms they think I can understand. They say:

Imagine hosting a big party, where you have to grill and entertain guests constantly, and no one leaves for eighteen years.

I’m not following. I could still drink and eat, and kick people the hell out when I get tired, right?

Not legally, no. How about this — having kids is like being at a bar where you never get drunk, but you have to keep buying rounds for the whole crowd anyway.

Can’t you walk down the block to the next bar, where the booze isn’t watered down?

Hrm. It’s like a strip club where the girls don’t get naked and the cover charge includes four years tuition at a private school.

I’m not following.

A football game where you pay for other people’s tickets but you have to stay in the parking lot.

Come again?

A hundred thousand dollar bag of pork rinds you don’t get to eat for twenty years.

I don’t understand.

Like blogging, only with more projectile vomiting.

I understand completely. It’s all so simple when you put it that way, you poor, miserable bastards.

Seriously, I understand why the folks with kids spend more time at home. There are all sorts of things those kids need to learn about getting along in the world, and treating others with respect, and how to attack a zone defense. That takes time.

Also, I entirely understand if some of these guys are staying away to keep me from corrupting their young kids’ impressionable, squishy little minds. Nobody wants to hear:

Daddy, Uncle Charlie says we should go to the booby bar. What’s a ‘booby bar’? And did the devil really invent ‘pasties’?

I can see where that could be awkward. But I stand by my position on pasties. You have to draw the line somewhere.

More interesting to me are the friends who curtail their social calendar because they’re ‘trying‘ to have kids. Now I know this actually means that they’re preparing for children they might soon have. There are all sorts of things they have to buy — cribs and clothes and little itty-bitty straightjackets and such. And of course, they’re saving money by staying in, which they’ll be sorely needing for the next several decades. So I completely understand.

On the other hand, when one of those friends says that they can’t come out to play because they’re ‘trying to have kids’, I can’t shake the uneasy feeling that they’re staying home to conceive a child. Like, that night. Hardly a mental image I need when I’m out for nachos and a few beers on a Saturday evening.

Or frankly, ever. Much more of that, and my blogging will have its share of projectile vomiting, too. Yeeks.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “The Particulars of Parenthood”

  1. kerry says:

    where do you find those mini-straight jackets!?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved