Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Feeling No Pain(t)

Do you ever do something that you know is completely futile? Something that, from prior experience, will surely be frustrating and pointless and guaranteed to whack another slice off your dwindling faith in humanity? And yet, due to some wild hope or unfounded optimism or possibly temporary amnesia, you do it anyway?

Yeah. My wife did that today.

In a few days, we’re having some work done in our condo. Said work will futz up one of the walls in the guest bedroom a bit, and so we’re also having the room repainted.

(For the record, we used to paint our own walls. We’re pretty bad at it, and we’re messy as hell, so we don’t paint our own things any more.

Seriously, we may be the sloppiest painters ever. Our last project involved painting a dining room this dark maroon color, and we got the stuff everywhere. I still have the shorts I wore; when I put them on, it looks like my crotch killed a hobo with a chainsaw or something.

That look might work on the set of a porno slasher flick. Chilling at a block party cookout — not so much.)

My wife, of course, has opinions on what the new color of the walls should be. I do not have such opinions, particularly. I barely have an opinion on the current color of the walls, and that’s almost certainly wrong.

“I just don’t much care what colors the walls are, short of ‘expired milk green’ or ‘you should probably have a doctor look at that pink’.”

(I’d call them “white”. But it can’t possibly be that simple. They’re probably “eggshell cream” or “Siberian winter mist” or “untanned Canadian ass” or something. Who can keep up with the Gliddens of the world?)

She’s asked me about such decorating decisions in the past, and I’ve been relentlessly, consistently unhelpful. Not willfully unhelpful, mind you. I’m not trying to obstruct the process, or piss into anyone’s bowl of paint thinner. I just don’t much care what colors the walls are, short of “expired milk green” or “you should probably have a doctor look at that pink”. And there are only so many swatches of more-or-less-gray that I can look at before I stop trying to play nice and wander off for beer and sanity.

How many swatches? Two. Two is the number of swatches I’m good for. Not fourteen. Not thirty-seven, and which one brings out the mahogany tinge in the doorknobs the best. And not a freaking rainbow of grays pasted all over the room, like we’re redecorating for a United Barely-Ass-Colors of Colorblind Benetton. Two.

Now, I understand why the missus tries to draw me into these discussions. She wants me to feel a part of the process. She wants the decision to feel bilateral. Probably, she’s looking for someone to scapegoat, should the color “we” pick fail to make the hobnails in the hardwood floor pop the way “we” expected it would. But mostly, she wants us to be equally engaged in these matters of household, to share our opinions, and tackle projects together.

Which I’m perfectly happy to do, of course. I just don’t care about the color of the walls. But I’ve got lots of exciting ideas for the guest room. Tons! We could put in a pool table.

(I’m told we’re not putting in a pool table. There’s no room.)

Or how about a minibar?

(No minibar. Come on.)

A ball pit? A mirror ball? An in-floor koi pond?

(If I’m not going to be serious, she says, then I won’t be consulted on any decisions.

An empty threat. But it shuts me up. Just in case I can still wrangle the minibar out of her.)

So there we are, in the guest room, staring at her monocolor dreamcoat of indistinguishable gray swatches littering the walls. She’s been extolling the virtues of one grayish glob over another — well, this one is brighter, but this one really resonates with the trim in the hallway — for a while, and I’ve been nodding sagely and thinking.

About football, mostly. And beer. And how they could improve those CapriSun pouches if they made the backs out of really strong material instead of foil. Right? Like, if the back side was wood or steel or carbon fiber or something, then you’d never punch that little straw all the way through, like sometimes happens. And then you could make the straw stronger, too, so it wouldn’t bend up and crumple when you miss the punch hole on the front side. So keep the foil in the front, make the straw out of, like, bamboo or something, and just reinforce the shit out of the back panel. That’s so much better. I should talk to-

Oh. This gray is the same shade they paint space shuttle re-entry tiles or something. Mm-hmm. That’s an option. Put it on the short list, dear.

Finally, my brain shut completely off. I stood there, trying in vain to look helpful and concerned, when she accidentally triggered my smartass reflex. She said:

“…oh, and this one, what do you think of it? See, it has just a hint of pale blue, almost a little bit green-“

Some part of me woke up and locked on: “Aw, snap, yo!

She took this sudden — and largely involuntary — exclamation as interest, which pleased her. Temporarily. “What? Do you like it? What is it?

I was moving without thinking, arching my back and emphatically crossing my arms.

Dawg… shit just got TEAL!

I don’t know what color the guest bedroom will end up being. But I sure hope I like it, because it looks like I’ll be sleeping there for the foreseeable future.

Maybe I’ll get to put in that minibar.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved