Call the Rattler Roto-Rooter

February 28, 2007

On tap first today — a lyrical look over at Bugs & Cranks at the latest Braves’ news:

Camp Correspondence — My muddah and faddah would be so proud.

Now on to the latest embarrassing episode.

We got our water bill in the mail last night. It was nearly twice as high as usual, prompting my wife to ask whether I’d been engaging in some sort of in-home watersports recently.

“I wanted to be helpful. So I tried. In retrospect, that was the last thing I should have done.”

I bit my lip and resisted the urge to ask, ‘Does peeing in the shower count?‘ She already had her frowny face on; I didn’t want to escalate the situation. So instead I assured her that I hadn’t been filling up the basement for swimming lessons, or Slip ‘n’ Sliding down the stairs using overflow from the bathroom sink. So far as I can remember, my water usage has been pretty steady for several years now.

I wanted to be helpful. So I tried. In retrospect, that was the last thing I should have done.

Me: Hey — maybe it’s the upstairs toilet.

Wife: Why do you say that?

Me: Well, it’s been making this hissing noise for the past few weeks?

Wife: Hissing?

Me: Yeah, like a low *sssssssssss*.

Wife: Well, it’s probably been leaking this whole time! WHy didn’t you say anything?!

Me: I, um… I thought it might be snakes.

Wife: Snakes?

Me: Yeah, snakes. In the toilet tank. It could happen.

Wife: And how in the hell did you think snakes could get into the toilet tank?

Me: I don’t know — from the sewers? Maybe you put them there. I don’t know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.

Wife: And you thought I was keeping snakes. In the toilet.

Me: Maybe. I was afraid to look and find out. I saw that movie, you know. Snakes are brutal.

Wife: ‘Snakes on a Plane‘?

Me: I was thinking ‘Jungle Book‘, but yeah — those were some scary motherfucking snakes, too.

Wife: Oh dear lord. What kind of jackhole thinks there are snakes in the toilet? What else did you think we have? Squeaky mice in the door hinges?

Me: Pffft. No, of course not. That’s silly.

Wife: Well, at least you-

Me: The snakes would’ve eaten those a long time ago.

Wife: Look, you. We don’t have snakes in our bathroom. Here, I’ll show you. Hear the hissing? Now I take the lid off the tank, and see? No snakes.

Me: No snakes?

Wife: No! None! Rest easy — the water-guzzling toilet is entirely snake-free!

Me: Or… what if they’re invisible snakes? I still hear the hissing! Run away! Auggghhhh!

Wife: Jesus. I’ve gone and married a retard.

So the missus has called a plumber to come look at the toilet. Until then, I’m staying away from the thing, putting police tape around it, and pooping in the back yard. It might get a little chilly out there, but at least I know the snakes in the wild aren’t around yet. I just have to avoid the poison ivy.