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McSweeney’s 6, Charlie 0

Yes, occasionally I’m still sending lists to McSweeney’s for publication. And yes, unfailingly, they’re still saying, “Thanks!”

“But no, thanks.”

So mostly, I just add my new listy nuggets to Charlie’s Big List of Lists, and move on. That gets them out of my head — and if you get a chuckle or two from them, all the better.

This list was a little different, though. Actually, I would have been happy to let this list idea go unrecorded altogether — that’s right; not every half-baked idea ends up here… only most of them — but it contained a twenty-year-old pop culture reference. So I thought, ‘Hey, McSweeney’s loves twenty-year-old pop culture references; I bet they’d dig this list.‘

There was no digging. Maybe I should have worked in a Cabbage Patch doll, or a shout-out to Bosom Buddies.

At any rate, here’s the latest addition to Charlie’s Big List of Lists, and another addition to the rejection emails I wallpaper the office with. Soon, I’ll have enough for a cool layering effect, or some sort of texture!

Meh.

Meanwhile, here you go. Enjoy.

Additional Situations During Which Sting May Be ‘Watching You’

Every leaf you rake

Every limp handshake

On your coffee break

When your bunions ache

During Rikki Lake

At your next clambake

See? You can tell my heart wasn’t really in it, because I didn’t end it with:

‘When you pee in the shower’

Hey, it’s a family ezine. Or maybe it isn’t. Whatever.

At least I got the song running through the editor’s head for a bit. And now your head, too. Boo, baby.