Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Making a List, Wrecking It Twice

In this house, it’s my wife who’s in charge of buying things. This should surprise no one who knows us well at all. My wife is the practical, down-to-earth, well-reasoned, wicked smart, and generally wonderful sort of person who can be trusted with important purchases.

I, on the other hand, am the blithering, addled, pants-on-backwards sort of moron who shouldn’t be allowed to operate an electric toothbrush without adult supervision. But sometimes I get to help. I like to help.

List, Unadulterated
List, Unadulterated

Take, for instance, our most recent grocery list, shown to the right.

(Click on any image in the series for an embiggened version.)

This is one of my wife’s typical grocery shopping lists. Note the responsible choices she makes on our behalf. Nutritious foods, like ‘yogurt’, ‘fruit’, and ‘asparagus’. Necessities, such as ‘milk’ and ‘dishwasher detergent’.

Even her penmanship is commendable. A handwriting analyst would look at this list, noting her bold strokes and elegant loops, the curvature of her ‘c’ and the strong confidence oozing from her ‘s’, and say:

Now here’s an impressive young woman who appears to have it all figured out. Watch out for her!

Typically, I leave the grocery planning in her more than capable hands. Getting involved in the process would only muck things up, and we’d end up with nothing but three weeks’ worth of HoHo’s and prune juice to eat. Again.

Once in a while, though, I make a small request. I’ll notice that we’re out of, say, microwave popcorn or jalepeno bean dip, and I’ll mention it to the missus. Her response, invariably, is this:

Okay, put it on the list.

“Remember, I’m like Garey Busey at a free vodka giveaway — no good can possibly come from getting me involved.”

She says this to test me, of course. She realizes that under most conditions, I’m not going to actually touch the list. Remember, I’m like Garey Busey at a free vodka giveaway — no good can possibly come from getting me involved.

Besides, my wife will pick up on anything important that we need. She eats most of the same foods I do, so she’s all over it when we’re low on the basics — bread, OJ, salsa, cold cuts, and the like.

(And beer. Did you notice that, on the list? Beer! I didn’t tell her; she listed it all by herself.

God, do I love that woman.)

This week, though, we were out of pickles. Sammich pickles — and my wife doesn’t make sammiches at home. She prefers hot meals, made on the stove or in the microwave. I’m not allowed to play with ‘burny things’, so I make sammiches instead. With pickles.

A Pickled List
A Pickled List

So I told her we were out of pickles. She said, ‘Put it on the list!‘ So, finally, I did. The new list is on the right.

See how I don’t exude ‘responsible adult’ so much? I imagine that same handwriting expert as above, examining my wobbly ‘P’ and misshapen ‘K’ and proclaiming:

Now here’s a four-year-old child who appears to be mildly retarded. Watch out for him!

*sigh* The barbs I endure for my kosher dill slices.

Having already sullied the list once, I decided to scour the kitchen, looking for other low supplies the missus might miss. Mostly, we were okay — popcorn, check. Microwave burritos, check. Lik-M-Aid, with emergency supply of Stix, check. Only… hey, that bag of Chips Ahoy in the pantry is looking a little light, isn’t it?

The Final List
The Final List

See? I told you I liked to help. I’m not about to actually go into the store, of course — and she’ll probably strap me to a chair and feed me prune juice when she sees the new list — but at least I can feel as though I’m part of the process.

And I’ll be able to make a decent sammich, with dessert to boot. Grocery shopping is fun!

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “Making a List, Wrecking It Twice”

  1. shelley says:

    And I suppose you like to ride in the grocery cart, too, huh?

  2. RRaccoon says:

    Those look like stink lines! I don’t know WHAT you’re saying.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved