Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

It May Be Weird… But I Never Go Hungry!

So, I was flipping through my list of fun blogs this morning, and came across Lara’s litany of weird shit that she does.


I’m not one to play the one-up game… but I think I probably have her beat. I’m just a half-step shy of a straight-jacket and a protective helmet. Any tiny little insult or aggravation could plunge me into the abyss. So don’t be a dickhead; you don’t want me on your conscience for the rest of your life.

(Okay, fine, so it could be worse, I suppose. Despite my rather obvious failings and peccadillos, I’m still able to function, more or less, in society. I’m not completely antisocial, or maniacal, or misanthropic. I don’t belong to a cult. I don’t (currently) suffer from psychoses, or mood swings, or even trichotillomania. So it could be worse. Hell, I could be Harland Williams. If that isn’t enough to drive a guy off a tall building, I don’t know what the hell is.)

Anyway, I don’t want to go into the full list of oddball bullshit that I make myself — and the ones I love, naturally — put up with. Neither of us has that kind of time. Plus, I’ve covered a lot of it before; check out some of my 100 Things, or browse through the archives. Really, there’s plenty enough maladjusted, schizophrenic nonsense in there for everyone. Trust me.

But Lara has inspired me to mention something that I haven’t written about before. First, I’ll say that I usually eat the way she does — crappy junk first, and tasty stuff last. Really, that’s the only way that makes sense. You don’t want to be down to your last bite or two of dinner, staring at the last three Brussels sprouts or a lukewarm lump of liver. That ruins the whole damned meal. So, of course you gobble that crap up first — and as fast as you can, lest you smell or taste the rancid shit — and save the good shit till the end. The steak, or the garlic bread, or whatever’s smothered in cheese. That’s what eating’s all about.

That’s not the real kicker, though. What I’m really here to confess is that I’m a ‘plate cleaner’. I mean a compulsive plate cleaner. At home, in a restaurant, at a dinner party — it really doesn’t matter. If it’s on my plate, and it’s not obviously garnish or silverware of some kind, then it’s goin’ in my mouth. And if there’s sauce or liquid of some kind involved, then I’m getting just about all of that, too. I’ll use whatever absorbent-looking food I can find to sop, squeegee, or scoop whatever juicy goodness (or even not-so-goodness) is on my plate.

Really, it’s not important whether I like the food, though tasty dishes are a lot easier to clean up than bland, nasty crap. But the critical thing is that I finish it. Mealtimes are strategy sessions — potatoes have to be saved for a while, since they’re good at soaking up sauce and gravy. Bread’s a good liquid-control food, too. Tortilla chips are good for scooping. Every food has it’s purpose and place; my chowtimes are veritable symphonies of action — a well-placed bit of chicken here, a dinner roll put to good use there. And all the while, the fork is flying — sculpting, pushing, and mixing the foods, all with the final goal in mind: total and complete annihilation of all foods on the plate. No crumb shall be uneaten. No drop of sauce remains. When I’m done, you’d never know that there was food on the plate to begin with. The plate’s clean enough to eat from.

(Well, okay, not that clean. There’s probably some drool and stuff on it. C’mon, it’s just a saying.)

And why do I go to such trouble? Well… um… er… honestly, I don’t know. My friends don’t obsessively clean their plates. My wife doesn’t do it. Hell, my parents don’t even do it. You’d think that if I got it from anyone, it would be from my parents ramming, ‘Clean your plate! Clean your plate!‘ down my throat while I was growing up.

But they didn’t. One of my father’s favorite sayings is, ‘Eat what you want. But want what you eat.‘ Which seems to be some weird, old-fart way of saying, ‘Just eat until you get full, then stop. Don’t worry about what’s left on the plate.

And yet, I do worry about what’s left. Or rather, I would, if I ever left anything behind. But it just doesn’t happen. I’m routinely accused of licking my plate, or letting the dog clean it, or wiping the remnants into my hair.

(The last of which probably comes from my being a messy eater, and ending up with food on my shirt, or hands, or yes, in my hair. Hey, I said the food’s got to get the hell off my plate. I never said it had to all make it to my mouth. I’m not getting any points for technique here.)

So, that’s my story. If I thought you could think any less of me, I might not have told you. But I suspect that this changes your opinion of me very little, if at all. Honestly, how far could I possibly have to fall? And now I’m done. I think I’ll go eat a cookie to celebrate. And when I say ‘eat a cookie’, you can bet your ass I mean the whole cookie. I’ll chomp down every last bite, and then mouth-Hoover the crumbs off the napkin. If I lose a few on the floor, that’s fine. My loss; the dog’s gain — that’s fair. But you better believe that the napkin — or the plate, if I use one — will be pristinely clean when I’m done. Why? Dunno. That’s just how it happens. When the cookie crumbles in my house, it still gets eaten. No damned cookie is gonna get away from me. Not in my house.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “It May Be Weird… But I Never Go Hungry!”

  1. Em says:

    Your blog rocks!

  2. Lara says:

    Are you my twinner?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved