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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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Is That a Horrible Muscle Tic On Your Inner Thigh… Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Like most people I know, I have a cell phone.

Un-like most inconsiderate fucktards who own these devices, however, I generally keep mine on ‘Vibrate’ mode. Which means that I’m not likely to be the asshat whose phone annoyingly goes off in the middle of a meeting, or a concert, or dear old grandpa’s wake.

(Which is kind of a shame, really, because I have a much better ringtone than most people, when I do turn the ringer on. When it’s not on ‘Vibrate’, my phone plays the Liberty Bell March by John Philip Sousa. Many of you — the cool ones, anyway — will recognize that as the theme music played at the beginning of each episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. I’m not generally much for musical ringy-dingy bullshit, but this is just too cool. If only it did the *splat* at the end…)

Anyway, my phone’s usually on ‘Vibrate’. And, if I’ve bothered to remember my phone — a hit and miss proposition, I’ll admit — then the phone’s typically in my front left pants pocket. So I do get a bit of a jolt (and sometimes a little ‘excitement’) when I get a call. But that’s not the weird thing. Lots of people have phones vibrating in their pockets from time to time.

(And some people have other things vibrating in their pockets. But we’re not gonna talk about those people. Or shake hands with them. Don’t encourage the pervs, folks. It only eggs them on.)

No, the odd thing is that I’ve started getting ‘phantom calls’. In other words, sensations — somewhere down there — that make me think my phone is ringing, when it really isn’t. Maybe this has happened to you. Or maybe you’re normal — not knowing, I cannot say. So I’ll keep writing, in case you’re unfamiliar with this situation.

It’ll usually happen when I’m sitting — in the car, maybe, or at my desk. And suddenly — *rrr-rrr-rrr*. Or so I think. Something down in the nethers gets all jiggly, in just such a way as to make me think that I’m getting a call. So I fish my phone out, and — nothing. No call, no missed calls, no love whatsoever. Just the lingering memory of that oh-so-sweet jingly-jangly feeling in my crotchal region, just to the left of the really good bits, along the inner thigh.

Now, my question is, what the hell is causing this? Are there ants in my pants? Is little Winky taking a mid-afternoon stroll around the grounds? Do I have the dreaded ‘trembling testes disease’? Or is it all in my head? Somewhere, in the back of my twisted little mind, am I thinking, ‘Man, I wish my thigh would wiggle, just a little bit‘, until I will it to happen?

And am I the only one with this little… um, issue? Anybody else out there get these sorts of vibraty sensations?

(And please, people, these are the only sorts of ‘vibraty sensations’ I’m interested in hearing about. I get plenty of spam every day advertising ‘girls with toys’ and ‘hot fun with hand mixers’ and ‘hey, look where I’ve got my electric toothbrush’. Really, if I was interested in those types of vibratorial shenanigans, I’d just click on the links, all right?

Or… ahem, *cough*, more of them, that is. Hey, I had to see the hand mixer thing. That shit is crazy!)

Anyway, I hope I’m not alone in this particular sordid little mess. I’d hate to think I’m the only one with naughty bits that shimmy and vibrate on their own. ‘Cause that would be scary. Help a brother out here, would you? ‘Fess up — you know you’re with me here, right? Right?

Of course, if my twig and berries start playing the Liberty Bell March, you’re off the hook. Even I know when it’s time to call in professional help. Especially if I get the Monty Python *splat* at the end of the song. I don’t even wanna know about that shit. Damn.

Permalink  |  4 Comments

4 Responses to “Is That a Horrible Muscle Tic On Your Inner Thigh… Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?”

  1. Colin says:

    Yes, I know what you’re talking about. I get the same thing all the time.

  2. Zoot says:

    Maybe it’s Sousa haunting you from the grave. Not enough people playing his music these days. He’s sure to be irate.

  3. Lara says:

    Um. Hmm..well all I can say is remind me to never borrow your phone! heh heh heh…

  4. Bill says:

    Yeah, it happens to me a lot the last few days – I think the muscle is developing a memory of what it feels like when the cell vibes, and there is a resonance sporadically. Switch to a different carrying spot for a week, and it should go away.

    Well, that or stop using vibrate, and be an inconsiderate jerk.

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