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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!


#93. I’m allergic to cats and rabbits, and probably certain other furry critters.

So, the cat thing isn’t too bad. Mainly, it’s just another excuse to say that dogs are better, anyway. I can be around many cats without even a sniffle. Unless they scratch me, of course — then I’ll cry like a baby. Big poopy-headed cats, anyway.

But every once in a while, I’ll have a weird reaction. Like if I pet a cat, and then forget and rub my eyes. That’s always a good one; it’s happened two or three times now. Usually, it’ll happen at night — being around cats can make my eyes itch, anyway, and if it’s already late, then I’m just that much more likely to get in there with the ol’ fingers and *squeak squeak squeak* away at my eyeballs.

The problem comes when I wake up, of course. Whatever histamine cooties I get from the cat and jam into my eye have some sort of sleepover party, and when I get out of bed, my eye is overflowing. Literally, it gets all misshapen and bulgy and looks like it’s gonna fall right out of the socket. It’s friggin’ gross. Not to mention scary as hell, the first time it happened. I mean, have you ever woken up with part of your eye outside your eyelid, and drooping all down your cheek? I hope to hell not! After a few hours, it goes away, which is cool. And in the meantime, I can run around scaring children. Usually I tell them that this is what really happens when you eat your carrots. Or that my eye got hurt in a terrible tooth-brushing accident. It’s all about helping the parents, folks.

Anyway, then there’s rabbits. I didn’t actually know I was allergic to rabbits until I was working in a lab doing experiments with them.

(Yes, we used Little Bunny Foo Foo and Thumper for experiments. It happens. But there’s not as cute as you probably think. Little lop-eared poopin’ machines, that’s what they are, ya know. Eat ‘n’ poop and eat ‘n’ poop. It sounds like a pretty good life, actually, but it’s hardly endearing, now, is it?)

In any case, the first time I had to handle one of the critters, I found that I could barely breathe. These were long-haired bushy bunnies, and the air was thick with fur and dander. But mostly dander, I suspect. Damned dander… Anyway, I sat out for a while until I could get air into my lungs, and then carried on. But I always had problems down in ‘Bunny Central’ (or the ‘Rabbit Room’, whichever you like better). And I think they knew; they were out to get me, just because I injected them with stuff and sacrificed them in the name of science. I swear they fluffed up and spewed dander when I went in there, trying to choke me before I could get to them. ‘Defenseless bunnies’, indeed. Bah.

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HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
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