61 - Where the Hell Was I?

March 2, 2006

61

Charlie’s “100 ~~Things~~ Posts About Me”

#61. I’m very competitive, and take challenges — especially from inanimate objects — personally.

And yes, if you’re unfamiliar with the concept, inanimate objects can throw down a challenge. Really, for the most part, they’re snotty little bastards. Something about not actually being living that pisses ’em off, I guess; I don’t really know. All I know is that more than once, the computer decides to try to make me its bitch, or my contact lens will force me into a game of hide and seek, or the pen I’m using will suddenly stop working for no apparent reason. You know, just for a laugh.

These are the battles I simply must win. Somebody has to show these bastards who’s boss. And I keep hoping that a good humiliating victory — meaning a rebooted and conciliatory computer, a found contact, or a horribly bent and pounded but now-writing pen — will teach them the error of their ways, and I can go back to just fighting with other people, and the little flying critters that try to take over our house in the summertime. Oh, and video games. Yes, I know they’re inanimate, too, but they don’t count. My blog, my rules. Nyah.

But alas, these bitchy little nuisances never seem to get the message. The sidewalk still cracks in just the right way to trip me, and the squeeze bottle of mayonnaise still won’t give up any of its contents, even though I can see that it’s not empty, damn the little pecker. And the TV remote still hides from me just when I need it most. Like when American Idol Junior is coming on, or Everybody Loves Raymond. Frickin’ bastard!

Of course, in the end, I always win. Always. For one thing, I’m persistent. And I’m crafty, and have these cool opposable thumbs to help me persuade most objects to bend to my will. But most of all, it’s because I count ‘total functional annihilation’ as a victory. Maybe I don’t get what I want out of something, but as long as it’s not around to gloat about it, I win. It’s very satisfying, and my unbeaten streak goes back for years. On the other hand, we do go through a hell of a lot of mayonnaise bottles. Even unmitigated success has its price, I suppose.