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Face-ing the Judges

Occasionally at work, the HR folks will come up with some kind of game for the employees to play. They’ll do this as a “pick-us-up”, and there are usually little prizes or treats for winning. It breaks up the week and gets people thinking and moving around and often working together. It’s never mandated that we play, but the games are open to everyone in the office.

Even me.

Yeah, I don’t know what they’re thinking, either. They should probably have learned by now.

The latest game was set up today, on our “Wall o’ Employees”.

(I should explain the “Wall”. Whenever someone new is hired, they have their picture taken, DMV-style, blown up to 8×11″ size in stunning high-def and hung on the wall with everyone else’s blinking pimpled cowlicked shame.

I can only presume they do this as some sort of mind-warping blackmail: “If you ever quit, we’re sending this to all the newspapers! What company would want you now?”

That said, it does come in awfully handy for putting a face to the name attached to the email you just got chewing you out for drawing mustaches and googly glasses on all the wall pictures.

“One of my coworkers could be walking around with the keys to a Tuscan villa and Catrinel Menghia’s phone number, for all I know.”

Assuming you haven’t gotten around to that one yet, of course.)

For this game, they removed four pictures and replaced them with photos of four celebrities. They asked us to check out the wall, find the ‘impostors’, and email back with the famous peoples’ names and what they were best known for. The first person to get all four won… I don’t know. A doughnut, maybe? A shot of tequila? A brand new car? I never win these contests, so it could be anything. One of my coworkers could be walking around with the keys to a Tuscan villa and Catrinel Menghia’s phone number, for all I know.

So clearly, I didn’t get the prize — but I did send in my email first. The judgey people ruled that I was ‘disqualified’ because of ‘inaccuracies’ in my entry, and that I should find ‘professional help’ for my ‘growing insanity’.

Well, jeez. It’s not like I wanted that doughnut, anyway. Nyah.

Anyway, here’s my email entry — with the feedback I received. In lieu of prizes. Or a villa. Or the Fiat chick. Those bastards.

To: HRContestJudges@mycompany.com

From: Me

Subject: Re: Fun Face Game Contest!

Hiya!

Here’s my contest entry about the new pictures on the wall – hope I’m not too late! Let me know what I’ve won, hahaha! Games!

Pic #1: Justin Timberlake

Famous for: Yanking the cover off Janet Jackson’s ninja-star boob.

[HR: You know, he SINGS. And ACTS! Perv.]

Pic #2: It’s either Rachael Ray or Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Since it’s impossible to look at directly, I assume I’ll get credit for one or the other.

Famous for: Either conspiring to kill Batman, or working “delish” into the common vernacular. Which, if there’s any cause and effect in this world, would also kill Batman.

[HR: You are SO not EVOO-worthy.]

Pic #3: Ricky Schroeder

Famous for: Giving teenaged girls in the ’80s another heartthrob option, if Kirk Cameron wasn’t quite vanilla white-bread bland enough for them.

Side note: From the looks of this pic, he’s not aging well.

[HR: Hey, we liked Silver Spoons! Also, this isn’t him. It’s Pink.]

Pic #4: Jamie Lee Curtis

Famous for: Shilling yogurt that makes you poop. Also, it’s possible she used to be a man. And her boobs were in Trading Places.

[HR: Really? You’ve never heard of True Lies? Halloween? Freaky freaking Friday?!?]

I’m pretty sure I’m banned from “Fun Face Game Time” for the foreseeable future. And probably all other games. And hanging out in the hallway, drawing on people’s pictures.

It’s just as well, really. They left that Rachael Ray pic up, and I’d never get a mustache on that thing. There’s not enough Sharpie ink in the world.