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Life, According to Bernhard Schtinson

For a while, I watched How I Met Your Mother.

I’m not especially ashamed to admit this. For a season or so, it maintained the facade, more or less, of a show that was really about how some guy met his kids’ mom. As opposed to what the show is actually about, namely:

How Some Weepy Cornball Hairpile Groused to His Overly-Baggaged Friends About Every Woman in Manhattan for Fourteen Years, and You’re Probably Adopted

Maybe it wouldn’t fit so well in the title montage. But I’m all for truth in programming.

Still, the show’s not all bad. They get some nice guest actors. Alyson Hannigan makes me happy inside. And then there’s Barney Stinson, and his infamous (or depending on your point of view, legen-quick-name-a-leg-of-the-classic-food-pyramid-dary) “Bro Code”.

(Oh, and by the way, NPH — you’re welcome.)

But this “Bro Code” applies to a fairly narrow band of pretentious metrosexual clothes hounds. What about the other bros in the world who need a guide, a system, a series of rules? What about, just for instance, guys who go to Oktoberfest?

(Yes, I realize it’s six months away. I’m giving you time here to properly soak in the instruction.

And anyway, if you want ‘topical’ stuff, go hit up Reuters. Don’t be a douchekopf.)

So now, in the spirit of “two great things that go great together”, some excerpts from the ‘man rules’ for the Oktoberfest set. In other words:

THE BAVARIAN BRO CODE

Rule #26: A Bavarian bro shall never abandon a mug before the beer is gone.

Rule #11: Bavarian bros always lederhosen up for a night on the town.

Rule #6: A Bavarian bro never gives a girl a lebkuchen heart before the third date.

Rule #134: If a Bavarian bro orders a radler or a russe, it had better be for his freundin.

Rule #83: A Bavarian bro never mustards another Bavarian bro’s pretzel.

Rule #22: For true Bavarian bros, drinking singalongs are mandatory.

Rule #3: A Bavarian bro shall always look you in the eye when toasting. Which is often.”

Rule #97: Bavarian bros shall never share a weisswurst

Rule #123: A Bavarian bro’s Bavarian bro was definitely not out drinking last night, should said Bavarian bro’s fraulein happen to ask..

Rule #72: A Bavarian bro knows that ‘imitation leather lederhosen‘ is not a thing.

Rule #110: A Bavarian bro never hits on the beer maids. At least, not until after last call.

Rule #49: Bavarian bros aren’t afraid to polka in public.

Rule #19: A Bavarian bro always returns from the bar with a full round of steins.

Rule #94: A Bavarian bro orders his wienerschnitzel with confidence.

Rule #2: A Bavarian bro doesn’t chase after another Bavarian bro’s dirndl blouse.

Rule #62: A Bavarian bro never leaves the bierhalle before he’s bought his round.

Rule #41: A single Bavarian bro may designate only one Bavarian bro as a wingman. This isn’t the Luftwaffe.

Rule #77: A Bavarian bro never passes out in his lederhosen.

Rule #30: Bavarian bros may wear a feather in their trachten hats, but never pink ones.

Rule #9: A Bavarian bro does not recognize the concept nor the existence of ‘alkoholfreie biere‘.

And those are a few of the rules for being a Bavarian bro. Prost!