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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
Charlie’s Standup Comedy Journal
Ho-ly fuck.
That’s the first thought that ran through my head as the comics started taking the stage at the All Asia last night. Our gig — the Stash Comedy Jam — was booked for eight o’clock; we thought we’d start going on around eight-thirty or so. The All Asia’s a nice, quiet little place; I ate lunch there a few months ago. It’s quaint.
But not last night.
When my wife and I got there at seven-thirty or so, there were about a dozen people standing outside — with colored spiked hair, spiked leather jackets, ripped clothes, tattoos, piercings… I think I may have seen a flesh tunnel or two.
(Yeah, if you’re not sure what that is, you should probably look it up. It sounds a lot dirtier than it really is. Unfortunately.)
Anyway, we eventually were told that there’d been a punk band festival scheduled before our show. Way before our show, like two pm. But they were running late nonetheless, and we wouldn’t be able to go on before nine o’clock or so. Fine. We went in and listened to the last band play for a while. I like some punk and speed metal — I’m still a big Husker Du fan — and these guys weren’t bad. Kill Babies, I think they were called, or Night Reaper, or something. Deathtongue, maybe. (And a big pat on the back if you know where that reference comes from.)
Anyway, Stash — the emcee for our show — told us that the bar often has punk bands onstage before the comics. (Cambridge, Mass — home of Harvard, MIT, and more biotech than you can shake a cloned sheep at, is apparently a mecca for the New England full-blown balls-out punk scene. Who knew?) But he said that they usually clear out when the music’s over, and we could all stream in with our friends and have our little show.
Only they didn’t. Leave, that is. And while I’m somewhat of a fan of punk music, and got no problem with the punk look and scene and fans… three dozen rowdy, drunk-since-four, leather-clad punkers do not a standup comedy audience make. Rather, they make a big, loud, obscenity-laden mob full of hecklers. And that’s what we got.
Actually, I got off pretty easy. By the time I went onstage — seventh or eighth out of a dozen or so comics — the crowd had settled a bit. Some of the rougher members of the group had gotten bored, or left. A few of them had probably passed out. So it wasn’t so bad, and I actually managed to get a couple of laughs out of them. The big shaved-headed monster up front — I think you can see him on the tape; I learned later that his name is ‘The Minister’, and he sings for a band called Dead Outlaws — showed me the inside of his lip when I made a joke about herpes. A real lovefest, it was.
And really, it was a lot of fun, and a good experience for a fledgeling comic. I abandoned the set I’d planned to do as soon as I saw the first couple of comics get butchered and booed and chanted at.
(Most of the standup guys seemed to be pretty pissed about the whole affair, and spent time arguing and fuming at the crowd. Personally, I think you’ve got to roll with it — that’s the audience you’ve got for the night, and you’ve got a job to do. If it’s a bunch of punkers, too bad. If it’s Granny Clampett and a bunch of her toothless friends, suck it up. Get ’em pissed off, and it’s gonna be even worse than you think it already is. Deal.)
Anyway, I tell you all that to tell you this — if you haven’t watched any of my other clips before… then please, don’t start with this one. My goal for this show ended up being to find the rudest, silliest jokes in my repertoire — mainly about bodily fluids; luckily, I’ve got quite a lot of those — and throw in a ‘fuck’ or ‘mother fucker’ as often as possible, to try and hold the mob’s crowd’s attention.
(Seriously, a lot of those guys were really cool — I hung out with a couple of them after my set, and a few complimented me on sticking it out through their ‘abuse’ — but they had the attention span of a four year old hopped up on crank. If there wasn’t a punchline — or ‘ass’ or ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ — every six words or so, they clamped down and got nasty, to see if they could rattle you. I’m sure it’s not quite the same as doing standup in a biker bar… but I hope it’s as close as I ever have to get.)
So, this set’s not really indicative of how I’d normally do a show — I usually practice my stuff for several days, and rewrite and edit until I think it flows pretty seamlessly. The shit in this tape got planned about twelve minutes before I went onstage, as one of the comics was blowing a referee whistle into the mic to try and out-volume the crowd. IF that tells you anything.
But, a show’s a show, so here it is. If you’ve watched the other clips, then you’ve seen most of this material before — and done more professionally, I hope — but maybe you can at least laugh at me for getting up there on stage and trying to do my set at all. And if you can’t laugh at that, maybe you’ll get a chuckle out of this — like a good little comic-whore monkey, I walked up to Stash after it was all over, and said:
‘Dude, I had a great time. When can I come back?‘
Yep. Mother fucking glutton for fucking punishment, that’s me. Fuck.
Download Clip of 01/18/04 Set —
All Asia Cafe, Cambridge, MA (6 minutes, 36 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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Well, now I know what they meant…
If you checked out the page about my last show, then you’ll remember that I’d been led to expect a crowd that would be ‘small and jaded’. It was supposed to be a sobering ‘coming out’ party of sorts, wherein I learned what it was really like to be a struggling new comic. Or what it was like to be a woman, or about the true meaning of Christmas, or something. I wasn’t really paying much attention, frankly.
Anyway, I was saved from that cruel fate by a group of friends who showed up to watch, and offered much-needed and much-appreciated support. I had a blast, and the seats weren’t as empty as it was advertised that they were going to be.
Ah, what a difference a new year makes.
Fast forward to January, and I finally get what’s coming to me. My first show of 2004 at the Isle featured twenty-plus comics, about half that many people in the audience, and a big group of friends who I told too late about the show, and who were thus conspicuously — and understandably — absent. Add to that the fact that I went onstage in the last handful of comedians, and that several folks had already packed up and gone home by then, and you’ll get a feel for what I was up against. ‘Small and jaded’, indeed.
But there was a silver lining. (Or a ‘lucky bounce’, or ‘one good turn’, or ‘nipple slip’; whatever works for you.) Due to some serendipitous scheduling and outstanding peer support, more than half of the graduating members of the ‘Standup 101’ class that I took were in attendance — two of them did great sets of their own, and another two came to watch. So there were still friendly faces in the room, and that’s always a good thing. (Hell, there were more friendly faces there than I see at work every day, or at parties, or even at my wedding. Believe me, I appreciate it.)
And despite the lack of witnesses, I still had a really great time up there. I got a few chuckles, and I got through some new material, and being onstage is always a blast, so I really can’t complain. Just don’t expect to hear a ‘laugh track’ or anything like it on the clip. You can even see the rows of empty seats and two warm bodies that I was playing to. The rest of the people were ‘in the wings’ off to my left; that’s why I kept turning that way, looking for some action.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. And for what it’s worth, I was lucky enough to score another gig at a different place the next night, and did the same material for a somewhat bigger crowd. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it on tape due to some ‘technical difficulties‘. (I’d be more specific, but my wife would kill me… let’s just say she’s apparently got something against ‘pushing buttons’ on the camcorder. We’ll get that straightened out, though, so as to avoid any further service interruptions in the future.) But I’m happy to say that those folks seemed to like the material, and I had a ball there, as well. Hope you like it!
Download Clip of 01/07/04 Set —
Emerald Isle, Dorchester, MA (5 minutes, 39 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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I have to admit, I was pretty nervous going into this show. Sure, it was my third show — I was on my way to becoming a ‘seasoned vet’ (or at least a ‘starving artist’), but still, it was pretty harrowing. If you look closely enough, you’ll see my about-to-pee-my-pants deer-in-headlights look on the tape. So don’t. Look closely, that is. I can’t be entirely sure that I didn’t wet my Levis at some point, and that’s really not something that either of us needs to know about.
So why was this show so nerve-wracking? Well, a few reasons, really. For one, it was my first ‘invited’ show — the first two were ‘freebies’ that came with taking the ‘Standup 101’ class I took. (And yes, we ‘got a bowl of soup with that’, too. Oh, ha.) The teacher of the class is also the Wednesday night emcee at the Isle, and was nice enough to let me come back, even after I sullied his stage two weeks prior. So at least I was familiar with the place, I suppose.
(I mean, I did ‘sully the stage’. You never forget a good sullying, now, do you, folks?)
Anyway, I was informed before the show — several times, by multiple people — that since this wasn’t a ‘newbies’ show, where friends and family come out to support a dozen or so people, that the crowds would be smaller. Less receptive. Quite possibly sleeping, or pissed off, or both. (Yeah, I don’t know what that means, either. Maybe they’re dreaming about Boston drivers, or George Steinbrenner, or something. I dunno.) The words ‘small and jaded‘ were thrown around, more than once, to describe the crowd. So I expected either a smattering of disinterested people… or a horde of angry midgets. They really weren’t so clear on what ‘small and jaded‘ meant. So I worried, just a bit.
And to top it off — and without really planning it this way — all my material was brand new. Not only had I not done it onstage before, but I hadn’t even blogged about it, for the most part. So I had no feedback on any of the ridiculous drivel that I was about to perform for the three surly bikers (or the snarling crowd of ‘little people’) who showed up. Eep.
In the end, though — and as usual — I was saved by my friends. Two minutes before showtime, the comics outnumbered the crowd. A couple of non-performers were milling around, but it was looking pretty ugly. Then, like a miracle shot from the heavens above, my friend Sue showed up. And with three people in tow! And then John, and his wife, and Christine, with a friend! Woo hoo! The crowd just tripled, and I knew everybody. (Which, of course, has it’s own sort of pressure, but that one’s easier — I’ve been making an ass out of myself in front of these people for a long time now. What’s having a mike in front of me gonna change?)
So, in the end, it turned out pretty damned well. I got some laughs, had some fun, and now I’ll have to wait until next time to face the empty room, and getting ‘crickets‘ after every punchline. So it seems I got all liquored up for this show for no reason. Eh. What’re you gonna do?
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. This also marks the first time that I’ve made a real, provable error onstage.
(Yeah, yeah, I hear you — ‘Except for deciding to go up in the first place‘. Very funny, there, numbnuts. You’re a real comedian, you know that? You should get up there yourself. Douchebag.)
In any case, just so none of you also feels you have to correct me — when I stepped offstage, one of the other comedians walked up to me, shook my hand, and said, ‘Nice set. By the way, it’s FDR on the dime, not Eisenhower.’
Damn. A whole bit about money, and I didn’t even stop to double-check which coin that ugly picture of Dwight Eisenhower is on. (I still haven’t yet, though at least I’m remembering that it’s either the half-dollar or the dollar. One day I’ll look that up. The day right before telling that joke again, most likely, and not a moment before.)
So excuse my faux pas, and try to enjoy the rest of the clip. I sort of ended with a fizzle — I never really worked the ending out the way I would have liked — but overall, I’m pretty proud of how it went. And I’ve even spun the ‘dime’ thing into a positive — I think it just goes to show how much of a ‘starving artist’ I’m becoming. I see money so rarely, I don’t even know who’s on the coins anymore. Even when they’re in my jokes! Yeah? Huh?
Not buyin’ it, huh? Okay, fine, I’m a moron, and I don’t check my sources. Get outta here; go watch the clip. Nobody said you had to be ‘small and jaded‘, too. Shoo!
Download Clip of 12/17/03 Set —
Emerald Isle, Dorchester, MA (5 minutes, 42 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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This was my second show, performed in the chilly — but friendly — confines of the Emerald Isle on Dorchester Ave. in Dorchester. I’ve been told that they keep the place pretty cool to make sure the audience stays awake. I don’t know if that’s true, but I can tell you that it was pretty frickin’ frigid that night. If the video quality were just a touch better, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to see my nipples poking out through my shirt. (Not that you’d want to, just that you could, is all I’m sayin’. Let’s move on.)
This was also the second, and final, show ‘guaranteed’ to the attendees of the ‘Standup 101‘ class that I took this fall. Our lovely and talented instructor, Rich, is also the emcee at the Emerald Isle’s Wednesday night open mic night, so he invited all of us to perform on the same night. He also graciously offered to book any of us (like me) who’d like to continue making asses of ourselves in public (and made good on that offer by lining me up for December 17th — Rich rocks!).
Another thing about Rich that’s somewhat important, as you watch my set, is that he’s a big, tall, burly guy, with a thick black beard. He looks very outdoorsy and rugged (though, if you can believe the jokes in his act, he’s actually not), in sort of a Grizzly Adams-meets-Siberian woodsman kind of way.
(Or not, maybe. I’m not really sure what would happen if old Griz’ met one of those big Russian lumberjack types, anyway. I mean, what would they talk about? How would they talk to each other? And some of those Russian dudes are pretty hairy — would Adams think the other guy was a bear? These are not questions I’m equipped to answer.)
Anyway, keep that in mind — I mention Rich a couple of times during my set, so it’s probably good to have a mental image of him in mind. And one of these days, maybe I’ll see if I can find a digital image of him, too, to help you along.
I’m not sure what else to tell you, other than that this show was a lot of fun, despite the cold (and the harrowing ride to Dorchester; I’ve got to find a way to get there that doesn’t involve so many burnt-out buildings and vacant warehouses). I feel like this set started out a little slow — hey, I’m still learning over here! — but I think I picked it up, and I hope it’s worth your while to download. Hopefully, you’ll have as much fun seeing it as I did performing it. And you’ll almost certainly be warmer. Damn, that place was cold!
Download Clip of 12/03/03 Set —
Emerald Isle, Dorchester, MA (5 minutes, 42 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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This was my first show. And, as I write this, my only show, though I hope to change that very soon. (Not the ‘writing’ part, the ‘only’ part. Don’t be a smartass, man.)
Anyway, I was a fresh-outta-standup-class newbie, one of a group of seven first-timers (or, as the program that night put it, ‘sacrificial virgins‘) taking the stage for our, um, ‘deflowering‘. Yeah, ewwww. I know.
In any case, I was the first newbie to go, and the second comic overall. The audience was fantastic, and treated me very gently. (Of course, it didn’t hurt that one of the three long tables in the place was filled with personal friends and well-wishers. Or at least no-harm-wishers. I’ll take what I can get.)
This also marks my wife’s first foray into the wonderful world of camcordering, and I think the results are pretty damned good. (No, I’m not just saying that ’cause you’re reading this, dear. Kisses!) I do seem a bit ‘faraway’ in this clip, so we might try a little zooming next time, but overall, the quality is good, the sound came through well, and that guy’s head in front of her only covers up my crotch. (Which is more important than you might hope, given my choice of material, but still — no real worries there.)
The venue for this show is the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square, Cambridge. It’s a popular place for Boston-area comics — there are usually ‘off-duty’ yuksters hanging out in the back at most shows, from what I’m told, and a lot of local stars have gotten a lot of face time there. It’s easy to get to — right on Mass. Ave., across from the Harvard campus — and is on the third floor of the Hong Kong restaurant building. (Hey, the first floor’s a Chinese food place, the second floor’s a bar, and == for four nights a week, anyway — the third’s a comedy club… what the hell else could you want? Get over there, already!)
One other thing — the video clip starts just a little late. I walked up on stage ‘Woo hoo!-ing and ‘Yes! Yeah!‘-ing. All of that sort of commotion ends just before the clip starts. So imagine for yourself. Or ‘woo hoo!‘ on your own, whereever you are, if it helps to set the stage for you. (Just be sure to clean up that mess if you get… uh, a tad overzealous. Again, I say, ‘Ewwww‘.
Anyway, check out the clips below, and pick the one that best suits your needs and bandwidth connection. I hope you enjoy my first foray into the world of standup comedy; I know I did. And now, you can see it just the way it happened, almost as though you were there yourself. Unfortunately, you’ll have to provide your own scorpion bowls. There’s only so much ambiance I can provide using modern technology. You’re on your own for the booze. And good luck with that — you’re gonna need it. Woo!
Download Clip of 11/16/03 Set —
Comedy Studio, Cambridge, MA (4 minutes, 45 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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