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How to Lose a Geek in 10 Words (Or Less!)

These are good times for geeks. In the past, the nerds and dorks of the world have been swung around by their pocket protectors and high-water pants, and dunked into trash cans, toilets, and lockers until their taped-up glasses fog over with shame.

(No, you’re speaking from experience there. No, you are. I know you are, but what am I?

So my glasses were frisbee-thick when I was a kid, and I slept in Star Wars jammies. Shaddup. I’m repressing memories over here.)

“So my glasses were frisbee-thick when I was a kid, and I slept in Star Wars jammies. Shaddup. I’m repressing memories over here.”

Today, though, the life of your average geek is far less hazardous. In this age of always-on connections, ubiquitous IM-speak, and cute dumb chicks who don’t know how to program their VCRs, geeks are getting more attention — and more action — than ever before.

But geeks aren’t for everyone. Some girls find they’re not into the brainy, socially awkward type. Strange though it seems, spending Friday nights watching Battlestar Galactica and practicing Klingon death threats in the mirror just doesn’t appeal to some ladies. Shocking, I know. It takes all kinds, I suppose.

So, for you gals who’ve ‘gone geek’ and are now ready to ‘dump the freak’, I give you the following handy reference list of:

Ten Ways to Let Your Geek Down In Terms He Can Actually Understand*

1. “I’m sorry. You’re not the droids I’m looking for.”

2. “It seems you won’t be going ‘where no man has gone before’, after all.”

3. “I just hit you with my +3 hammer of ‘kicking to the curb’. I’m afraid your saving throw failed.”

4. “All your base are belong to your parents’ basement again!”

5. “Hasta la vista, baby. And trust me — you won’t ‘be back’.”

6. “I can’t see you any more. You make me chaotic evil, when I’m trying so hard to be lawful good.”

7. “The answer is: 42. The question is: ‘How many minutes until the cab arrives to haul you and your stuff away forever?'”

8. “I talked to the Oracle. Turns out you’re not ‘the One’. Her cookies are delicious, though.”

9. “When you told me you were a ‘warrior’ in bed, I had no idea you meant Leeroy Jenkins.”

10. “Remember how I said I loved that you were half Kirk and half Picard? Well, these days you’re mostly just Janeway.”

(* Inspired, of course, by this quintessential geek letdown exchange from the ‘My Big Fat Geek Wedding’ episode of the Simpsons:

Ms. Krabappel: We had a great time. But we’re too different.

Comic Book Guy: I don’t understand.

Ms. Krabappel: It’s like I’m DC Comics and you’re Marvel.

Comic Book Guy: I understand completely.

You could learn much from this Edna Krabappel, ladies. She’s been giving dorkazoids the cold shoulder for a dozen years or more.)