Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton’s Facebook Pranks on Breakfast Companies

Zolton’s Facebook Pranks on Breakfast Companies

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

I’m not a morning person. Nothing interesting has happened before noon, ever in the history of the universe.

(The history class I took back in school might refute the above statement. But it was only offered in the morning, so I mostly slept through it.

That’s probably why the teacher kept telling me I was “doomed to repeat it”. Smartass.)

The lone exception to morning’s awfulness is, of course, breakfast. Sure, you can eat breakfast foods at any time of day — but that’s not “breakfast”; it’s merely awesome. Plus, afternoons and evenings don’t need breakfast to cheer them up. They’re already pretty great. Only the morning — ugly, pock-marked, greasy bloated morning — truly benefits from the transformative superhero magic that is breakfast.

I’m always on the lookout for ways to improve the pre-noon experience. And all of those ways that don’t involve sleeping pills, chloroform or ungodly amounts of tequila center around breakfast.

So I’ve hit up some of my favorite breakfast-related (and, in some cases, not-so-obviously-breakfast-related) companies online to help me out. Read on for my morning-meal missives — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls — to help make your breakfast the very best it can possibly be.

Short of moving it to two in the afternoon, that is. Because that would be awesome.


When I think of a hearty breakfast, I think of oatmeal. Solid, reliable, plain boring old fashioned oatmeal.

But what’s this? My oatmeal has changed? Old fashioned becomes newfangled? Buwhaa? Explain thyself, Quakerfolk!:

Quaker Oats

“Contemporary”? “Modern”? Quakers? Thee must be yankething my leg.

Perhaps cold cereal is where it’s at. That seems safer.

But what to do when cold cereal leaves you… cold? How does one voice disappointment, while keeping the eye of the ti-grrrrr?

I drew the attention of an apparently messed-and-in-Texas chick, trying to find out:

Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

Some breakfast foods need no introduction. They’re iconic. Ubiquitous. Institutions.

They also taste like rained-on corrugated cardboard. But that’s nothing a new and exciting ad campaign (UPDATE: or two!)) wouldn’t fix:

Eggo

Finally, I decided to do what my doctor told me a long time ago: wake up and eat some fresh fruit. But even that has issues — especially when my morning meal sports more overnight scruff than I do. Who in the morning wants to deal with hairy pits?

Philips Norelco

Well, now it’s official. With all of this bother, even breakfast is ruined for me. There’s absolutely nothing good left about mornings. Bah.

Wake me up when it’s time for lunch. I’ll have a bowl of gruel and a nectarine dipped in Nair. Until then, good night.

I SAID, ‘GOOD NIGHT’!

Last week, Zolton dabbled in DIY with Bazooka Gum, Band-Aids, Duck Tape and Stanley Tools. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved