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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Quantum

Grammar Lessons from the ‘Island of Misfit Toys’

All right — I’m gonna try this out, and see how long I can milk it before I get bored.

(And no, I don’t say that to all the girls, either. Or the guys. Or the moo cows, for that matter. Hush up.)

So, here’s the idea behind this little item: every so often a word — a deliciously ridiculous, and often spectacularly inappropriate, word will pop into my head. No reason, no nothing, just *pop*, and there it is. And I’ve decided that the world would be a better place if I didn’t just let these words fade off into oblivion. So I’m posting them here, and I’ll link the latest one from the front page. With me so far? Frightened, just a little? Good.

So why the name ‘Quantum Terminology’? Well, for one thing, I couldn’t think of anything catchier, right off the bat. I’m not sure it’ll stick, frankly, but it’s all I’ve got for now. And it fits, if you think about it hard enough — quantum physicists tell us (well, okay, ‘us’ wouldn’t understand them; so they tell each other, mainly, but that’s not the point) that at the tiniest sub-sub-submicroscopic level, all sorts of oddball things are going on. Particles buzzing around, bouncing off each other, transferring energy, changing form into one another, travelling through time, even winking in and out of existence altogether. Spooky, no?

Anyway, that’s pretty much how I think of the words that I’ve listed here. One millisecond, I’m walking along, or driving, or doing headstands in the shower — perfectly normal, everyday stuff — and the next millisecond, *wham*, one of these weird, inexplicable words is in my head. Spooky? No. It’s quantum. Oooooh.

Okay, so fine, all you clinical weenies out there — it’s probably really the early onset of dementia. Take your medical degree and shove it, cupcake — if these words are gonna worm their way into my head, then I’m puttin’ ’em down here for all of you to look at, too. We demented types are all about the sharing, you know?

So, I hope you enjoy this little experiment. I’ll run anything that pops into my head through Google to make sure it didn’t infect someone else’s brain first, so you’ll know that the words you get here are freshly minted. (And

minty fresh!) I don’t know how many of these things I’ll remember to post here, but maybe you’ll find one or three you like. I know I have.


Term #1: porksmitten

Notes: I really like this one — it’s got so many possible meanings. Think about it — someone could be ‘smitten’ with pork, or actual pigs, or (the obvious) ‘porking’. (Yeah, it’s the dirty connotation that everyone thinks of first, isn’t it?) But with a little creative punctuation, it could also mean little bitty hoof coverings for pigs, too. Or for pork roasts, I suppose, or even chops.

Okay, there’s such a thing as overanalyzing a nonsense word. I see that now. Sorry.


Term #2: balljousting

Notes: Okay, just for the record, when I think of this word, I envision knights on horses, with beach balls or something on the ends of their lances, okay? (And I mean beach balls, literally. And I mean lances, dammit!) Or two big burly guys beaning each other with medicine balls, or bowling balls, or cannonballs, maybe. That’s what I think of when I think of ‘balljousting‘.

Because there’s no other connotation that doesn’t give me the damned willies. *shudder*


Term #3: codsmoker

Notes: Look, like I said, these words don’t have to mean anything — they just pop into my head for no good reason. Frankly, I think I need medication of some kind. Heavy, heavy, medication.

And look, this one doesn’t even have a particularly dirty connotation, as

far as I can see. I suppose a ‘codsmoker’ could simply be someone who puts a particular kind of fish in the smokehouse.

Oh. Yeah, you’re right. When I put it like that, it does sound dirty, doesn’t it? ‘Codsmoker‘. *snort*


Term #4: melonspawn

Notes: This one I think deserves a web site. No, no — it’s own domain. ‘melonspawn.com

And hopefully, that domain would contain sites about things that people have ‘spawned‘ (i.e., created) from their ‘melons‘ (i.e., heads). And I’m not talking boogers and ear wax, folks.

Of course… ‘spawn‘ is kind of a funny word all by itself. And ‘melon‘ has a whole other connotation — probably more widely used — to describe a different part of some people’s bodies. Hmmmm.

Yeah, either way, it’s all good. Heads, boobs — these are all important parts. And then there’s the actual fruit — who doesn’t like a nice melon

now and then? Man, it works on so many levels! Somebody get out there and register ‘melonspawn.com‘ today, would ya?


Term #5: assmometer

Notes: Okay, so finally a made-up, pop-into-my-head word with just one connotation, and not an especially dirty one at that — ‘assmometer’ just has to be one of those rectal temperature takers, doesn’t it?

Or… I suppose one could make the case that it could mean anything that’s used like one of those anal thermo-dealies. Which would make it very dirty, indeed. And in more ways than one. (Ick!)

I have to mention, too, that when I thought of this word, I was thinking of one pronunciation (‘ass-MAH-me-ter‘), but have since realized that another (‘ass-MO-me-ter‘) is not only possibly, but probably preferable in a’from da hood’, street cred kind of way.

Oh, and I just thought of another possible meaning — the ‘assmometer’ could be used as a measure of how hot a hottie’s backside is deemed to be. (‘Deemed to be‘… well, there goes that ‘street cred’, eh?)

Anyway, I think for this usage, the second pronunciation would have to be used. For example:

Dude 1: Daaaaaaamn, check out that J-Lo’s iddily-ass! Baby got all kinds of back, yo!

Dude 2: Word, dog. She be a hunnerd and ten degrees on the ass-MO-meter, slick.

Dude 1: Solid.

Yeah, have I mentioned that I need serious help? I have? Good. I mean, I mean… ‘solid’. (How was that? Was that ‘fly’? Would it help if I’d stop putting

the words in quotes… ‘dog’? Meh.)


Term #6: cobslobber

Notes: Let’s be clear, right up front, folks. I don’t make any claims as to what these ‘words’ mean, or even that they ‘mean’ anything. They pop into my head, I write ’em down, and that’s it. End of story.

That said… if this word has a meaning, then I sincerely hope that it’s the drool that’s left on an ear of corn after all the kernels have

been bitten off. I think that’s a positively peachy meaning for this word.

But that’s mainly because I can think of other meanings for it, and they’re not pretty, people. Not pretty at all.

Excuse me while I go wash my brain out with soap. G’day.


Term #7: jackbaggery

Notes: Here’s another word that could mean any number of things. Maybe it’s a place that sells accessory pouches or purses for your jackboots. Or a store that sells a different kind of jackbags. Or maybe a place where you can go to have your bag jacked. And wouldn’t that be nice? Doesn’t everyone like a bit of bag jacking every now and then?

(And the answer is no. No, people don’t, usually. There are very few combinations of meanings for the words ‘bag’ and ‘jack’ that make ‘bagjacking’ something pleasant in the slightest.)

(Which is not, of course, to discount the fact that there are one or two combinations that would make it pleasant in the mostest. I’m just saying.)

Man, this whole page is getting weird. I wonder if I’m getting enough vitamins in my diet. Meh.


Term #8: cowbang

Notes: Look, I have no idea. I’ve told you, these things just pop into my head, unbidden. (And how the hell you’d bid a ‘cowbang’ to begin with, I

couldn’t tell you. Nor would I want to know, if you happen to be privy to that sort of information. Sicko.)

As for a definition… well, I don’t know. I suppose it could have

something to do with some sort of bovine pyrotechnics, if such a thing exists. It could also be a rather crude description of the mating activities of hot ‘n’ horny heifers. Personally, I suspect it came about simply as a result of having watched too much South Park lately — specifically, the episodes with the giant cow clock and the ‘Fingerbang’ boy band among them. And hey, can anything

inspired — even indirectly by South Park be so bad?


Term #9: pudsnugglers

Notes: This little gem popped into my head when searching for an exclamation along the lines of ‘Curses!‘ or ‘Drat!

(You know, like ‘Newman!‘ from Seinfeld, or my favorite, ‘Bitches!‘)

Anyway, as usual, I’m not quite sure what the hell it means. I’ll leave it

up to you to decide those thorny sorts of questions. I’m guessing, though, that

the sort of people who would be ‘pudsnugglers‘ are probably diametrically opposed to activities like ‘pudwhacking’, which I didn’t make up. Nor practice. Nor admit to knowing what it means. Ahem.

Damn. Now it went and got all uncomfortable around here. Pudsnugglers!


Term #10: flaccipointing

Notes: This should only be used when a sad and unfortunate situation is truly… well, deflating. It’s the ultimate term for expressing profound disappointment — at least if you’re a man. As in the example:

I really liked ‘Sorority Pillow Fight’, volumes 1 and 2. But volume 3, where they only used throw pillows and pincushions? Very flaccipointing.

I think you can see how useful this new word can be. And seriously — what was up with that third pillow fight movie? You don’t mess with a winning formula! Sheesh.


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