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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Simpsons

Just Because They Don’t Know Me Doesn’t Mean They Can’t Berate Me

Folks, I’m all about solving problems. Maybe it’s just part of my nature, or

perhaps it’s a by-product of my liberal arts education. Most likely, it’s

simply because I’m so good at creating problems. No matter. The point

is, I had a problem, and I solved it. I’m cool like that.

Now serving Simpsons quotes from 209 episodes!

The problem was, I wanted a set of quotes — reviews, comments, and the like —

about this site. But it seemed like an awful lot of work to solicit those sorts

of things, and to pay people to say nice things, or even to sift through

the comments people have left to look for niceties. Or vulgarities. Or

anything. I’m just too lazy to go out fishing for real book-jacket fluff.

Meanwhile, I’m a huge Simpsons fan. I watch eight or ten episodes a

week or so, thanks to TiVo, and I noticed that they’re always throwing

around niceties, and vulgarities, and often both at once. Just what I was

looking for. And so, an idea hatched in my foggy little brain. I decided to

let the Simpsons do my dirty work for me, and provide the quotes I

needed for the site. And so, I started the list you see below.

I started listening for any sort of appropriate quote — anything that was

directed at someone or said about someone, without specifically

naming the person. Or something said about a book or website, or anything else

that could conceivably be applied to this weblog.

(I wanted material that I could use verbatim, without editing anything out;

hey, I said I didn’t want to do any work on this, right?)

Also, I decided to only use quotes that reflected the type of feedback I’ve

gotten from actual readers — namely, really really nice or extra-exceptionally

snarky. Or embarrassed and angry and horrified. And I found the

Simpsons to be a veritable treasure trove of such material. Problem

solved, once and for all.

Below, you’ll find a list of all the Simpsons quotes that I’m using on

the site, indexed by episode — you may have noticed them at the top of each

page, above the posts. I hope you get a chuckle out of them. Meanwhile, I’m

still watching episodes, and dragging new quotes down all the time. If you

don’t see your favorite quote now, check back again soon — I might be adding

it anytime. And if not, well, all I can say is: ‘D’oh!‘ Or ‘Don’t

have a cow, man!‘ Or… well, you get the idea. ‘Thank you — come

again!


24 Minutes

‘It’s just what we’ve been looking for.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘This is as boring as mainstream cinema.’ — Martin Prince

‘I’ll mop up yer blood from the inside!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘I pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.’ — Jack Bauer

A Fish Called Selma

‘Yeah. Who’d have thought he’d turn out to be such a weirdo?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren’t true, after all!’ — Lenny Leonard

‘This changes everything. I’d pay to see him in a movie now — if only that were possible.’ — Carl Carlson

‘Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s toooo fuuny! I can’t remember when I’ve heard a funnier anecdote!’ — Troy McClure

‘Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, eh, Lori? All right.’ — News anchorman

A Milhouse Divided

‘It’s only five fifteen — why are you in your underwear?’ — Marge Simpson

‘It’s good for keepin’ down the urges!’ — Ned Flanders

‘Worthy of Webster’s!’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

A Star is Born-Again

‘Boy, they don’t make ’em like you in L.A.!’ — Sara Sloane

‘Are you for real?’ — Sara Sloane

‘Oh, oh — can I just push this plastic cast onto one of your boobs?’ — Lenny Leonard

‘I haven’t felt this good since we stole the 2000 election!’ — Ned Flanders

‘Forgive my language, but I’m one happy camper!’ — Ned Flanders

‘Wow! Wow! That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban!’ — Sara Sloane

‘A girl could get used to that!’ — Sara Sloane

A Star Is Torn

‘I can’t believe I used to date him.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I may not know much, but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me!’ –Krusty the Clown

‘You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business!’ — Lisa Simpson

A Tale of Two Springfields

‘Must you embarrass me?’ — Bart Simpson

‘Are you stupider than a monkey?’ — Phoney McRingRing

‘That’ll play great in the sticks!’ — Homer Simpson

All Singing, All Dancing

‘He’s dreamy!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘It’s worse than I feared… for hostage purposes, you’re just too weird.’ — Snake

All’s Fair in Oven War

‘I gotta be honest. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I don’t want to freak you out, but I think I love you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Your debonaire wit reminds me of a young Mort Sahl.’ — Bart Simpson

‘You’re weak. Weak!’ — Agnes Skinner

‘If I don’t have you to look up to, I don’t have anyone.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘That’s clever… and devestating.’ — Marge Simpson

Another Simpsons Clip Show

‘It seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘As Jerry Lee Lewis would say, ‘There’s a whole lot of frowning going on!” — Marge Simpson

Bart-Mangled Banner

‘How dare he!?’ — Crazy Texan

‘What did you say about my mother!?’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘There, there. Save your lies for the American public.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m surprised you haven’t been run out of town!’ — Nash Castor

Bart After Dark

‘This is boring. Make it crash or something.’ — Bart Simpson

‘How did I ever get along without you?’ — Madame Belle

‘I can’t believe there’s a place like that in our wholesome little town!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Our only major quarrel’s / With your total lack of morals.’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Bart Carny

‘It doesn’t look safe. And the guy running it looks a little seedy. No offense.’ — Marge Simpson

‘That was just confusing.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Yeah, he’s tellin’ the truth.’ — Homer Simpson

‘What is it about you and failure?’ — Agnes Skinner

‘Now who’s the filthy sleazebag?’ — Homer Simpson

Bart Gets an F

‘Oh, absolutely brilliant! There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway.’ — Edna Krabappel

‘Oh, the little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?’ — Marge Simpson

‘What’s the matter? I would think you’d be used to failing by now.’ — Edna Krabappel

Bart Gets Hit By a Car

‘The kid’s a pro!’ — Lionel Hutz

‘Oh, he’s lying!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Why, you despicable cold-blooded monster!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘\Now that I think about it, I’m not sure he’s even a doctor.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Aw, who am I kidding? I love you more than ever!’ — Homer Simpson

Bart Has Two Mommies

‘Eh, it’s all a big scam.’ — Carl Carlson

‘There, there — the fact that you tried means everything.’ — Marge Simpson

‘You and me got a problem.’ — Randy Johnson

‘It was the most fun we’ve had since Mommy was here.’ — Rod Flanders

‘This is much sadder than I expected.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘You’d be surprised what he could do, if you just gave him a chance.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Not bad.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Bart of War

‘Oh-ho-ho — that is so gay!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Man, is that uninspired.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘It’s awful! It looks like Wisconsin.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘You smell like dead bunnies!’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance.’ — Homer Simpson

Bart Star

‘Wipe that smile off your face.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Wow! He’s dyn-o-mite!’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Ahhh, that’s what I get for having faith in ya.’ — Abe Simpson

‘If I wasn’t your friend, I’d tell you you sucked.’ — Milhouse Van Houten

Bart the Fink

‘Oh, I don’t know what you’re saying! It all sounds so crazy to me!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘There’s no silver lining here.’ — Krusty the Clown

‘Even with all his problems, he’s still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous just to entertain his fans.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I could never really have learned anything directly from him. Still, I think in a way — in a very meaningful way — that I… uh, all of us… have learned from him.’ — Bob Newhart

‘It gets a little blue.’ — Troy McClure

‘You’ll just have to live with your mental problem.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Let’s go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I’m sure he’ll find plenty of people who’ll like him for who he is.’ — Bart Simpson

‘He’s happy being just another blue-collar bozo.’ — Lisa Simpson

Bart the Mother

‘This sucks. It’s time to punch out of this yawn factory.’ — Bart Simpson

‘This is the most exciting thing I’ve seen since Halley’s Comet collided with the moon!’ — Homer Simpson

Bart to the Future

‘Unless you change your deceitful ways, I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you.’ — Caesar’s Pow-Wow Casino manager

‘What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.’ — Bart Simpson

‘That lying, rail-splitting, theater-going freak!’ — Homer Simpson

Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade

‘I’ve grown. You haven’t.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Damn your sparkling wordplay!’ — Homer Simpson

‘And the Lord said: Let there be crap!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Your comeback shames me.’ — Japanese Chandler Bing

‘What have you been huffin’?’ — Lisa Simpson

‘His act is getting old fast. He thinks he’s really cool, but frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘That’s just sad.’ — Principal Skinner

Barting Over

‘If I ever needed proof of the existence of God, here it is!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Of all the sites on all the web, I had to click onto his.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Yeah… I make up words, too.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Finally! Someone explains it to me in words I can understand.’ — Homer Simpson

‘It gives you lots of hair, and what you need down there. What are you waiting for, loser?’ — Homer Simpson

Bart’s Girlfriend

‘Do you ever think anything you don’t say?’ — Jessica Lovejoy

‘Young man, explain yourself!’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word butt!’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘Well read, and just a little wild. Ooooh, if only someone could tame him.’ — Lisa Simpson

Bart’s Inner Child

‘I’ll never get tired of this!’ — Bart Simpson

‘I’m gonna have my wedding here!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘My god — it’s like you’ve known me all my life!’ — Troy McClure

‘This is madness — he’s just peddling a bunch of easy answers.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Eat my shorts, young man.’ — Seymour Skinner

‘I feel that you should shut up.’ — Seymour Skinner

Bonfire of the Manatees

‘It got your hopes up, didn’t it?’ — Homer Simpson

‘You don’t seem very jolly.’ — Bart Simpson

‘My Christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I wish I felt that kind of passion. Maybe I should join him on his mission.’ — Marge Simpson

‘You know, up close you’re kind of cute.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I warned you he was an idiot.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Who is this barrel-chested go-getter?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Brake My Wife, Please

‘His exuberance is perplexing.’ — Drederick Tatum

‘Even I think this is crazy.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Stop saying things!’ — Marge Simpson

‘You shake me from my booty to my ‘fro.’ — Disco Stu

‘It would have been a lot worse if I hadn’t been carrying this Bible in my crotch.’ — Homer Simpson

Brother from Another Series

‘You other cons could benefit from his shining example.’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘He’s a maniac!’ — Bart Simpson

‘He’s pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking!’ — Bart Simpson

‘That guy’s a genius!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘He’s planning something evil. I know it.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I really must thank you for this moment of tranquility.’ — Sideshow Bob Terwilliger

‘Isn’t that a little crude for a genius like you?’ — Bart Simpson

Brother from the Same Planet

‘Hide your shame!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I hope you and I can get married somedsy.’ — Corey from the Corey Hotline

‘No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing.’ — Bigger Brother Tom

‘Just like Oscar the Grouch.’ — Homer Simpson

‘This is even more painful than it looks.’ — Homer Simpson

Burns’ Heir

‘Oh, I like his energy!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Oh, he’s the worst yet!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Ooh, I like him a lot!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Burns, Baby Burns

‘Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Why don’t you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘I can honestly say that was the most fun I’ve ever had.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Well, he is a bit rough around the edges.’ — Waylon Smithers

‘Quiet, you. Nobody likes a comedian.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You’re everything a dad could hope for.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Heeeey, I like it! I like it a lot!’ — Chief Wiggum

‘He’s great at pointing out everyone’s foibles.’ — Bart Simpson

‘There’s only one word for that — idiocy.’ — Kent Brockman

‘This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.’ — Larry Burns

‘Why, he’s the best friend I’ve ever had.’ — Larry Burns

C.E. D’oh!

‘You’re so cute when you’re begging for sex.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Well, huzzah huzzah. I’ll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Cape Feare

‘This is horrible.’ — Bart Simpson

‘That man is so rude!’ — Marge Simpson

Children of a Lesser Clod

‘Good Gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass.’ — Etiquette Teacher

‘This place is so boring. I’ve gotta do something to keep from going crazy.’ — Homer Simpson

‘My polite indignation knows no bounds!’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Co-Dependent’s Day

‘Your ignorance is amusing and sad.’ — Comic Book Guy

‘Do you have to make such an unholy racket?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Oh, thank god — you’re finally fighting your demons!’ — Ned Flanders

‘I am so cheesed off! I need a drink.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Aw, shaddup, Captain Bringdown!’ — Homer Simpson

Day of the Jackanapes

‘Well, fad or not, it’s here to stay.’ — Network executive

‘That’s the one man I would never kill!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Marvelous! Marvelous! Funny to the end!’ — Sideshow Bob Terwilliger

‘Oh, that sweet, funny man!’ — Sideshow Bob Terwilliger

Days of Wine and D’Oh’ses

‘You’re upsetting me.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Talkative, coherent — even insightful.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You won’t see me here again. Ever!’ — Barney Gumbel

‘I see you’ve finally hit rock bottom.’ — Kirk Van Houten

Don’t Fear the Roofer

‘Okay, thank you. Why don’t you go find a parade and rain on it?’ — Crazy Old Man

‘Well, I see your sense of humor’s not affected. That’s a very bad sign.’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

‘Well, his dandiness will slowly return with time.’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

‘That seems… feasible.’ — Lisa Simpson

Dude, Where’s My Ranch?

‘Exquisite. Just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn’t released the hounds.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘For this, I tied my bathrobe?’ — Rabbi

‘I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting. I’m going to my room!’ — Lisa Simpson

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

‘It’s a history lesson come to life!’ — Bart Simpson

‘It’s totally inaccurate.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Are you crazy, dude?’ — Snake

‘You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to — come back here! Why, you yellowbelly!’ — Jimmy Carter

‘It’s eerily beautiful. But are you sure this is safe?’ — Marge Simpson

‘It’s smooth and mild… and refreshingly addictive.’ — Bart Simpson

Faith Off

‘That was a miracle, and it was gross. Cool!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Wow! Is there anything he can’t do?’ — Bart Simpson

‘Oh, yes, lord. When I was your age, I was a hellraiser, too.’ — Brother Faith

‘Wow, that’s a good angle.’ — Brother Faith

‘He really does have the power. Go forth and spread the word. Spread it!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo?’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Now who’s talkin’ mumbo-jumbo?’ — Bart Simpson

‘He’s kicking it old-school!’ — Sideshow Mel

‘Wow. And I thought he had it all.’ — Bart Simpson

Fat Man and Little Boy

‘This expresses my rage at the machine.’ — Bart Simpson

‘That sucked. Well, at least I’ve still got my health.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Amazing! Trailblazing! Insightful! Delightful! A miracle!’ — Goose Gladwell

‘What a delightful sprite!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Enjoy the autumn of your years, jerk.’ — Lenny Leonard

‘It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.’ — Homer Simpson

‘The things I saw there are what made me CRAAAAA-ZY!!’ — Goose Gladwell

‘I’ll knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!’ — Homer Simpson

Fear of Flying

‘Ah ho ho — it’s funny and it makes you think!’ — Moe Szyslak

‘I’ve been wasting my life away in that dump for years.’ — Homer Simpson

‘This looks like a nice friendly place.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’ve changed my life!’ — Marge Simpson

Fraudcast News

‘Ohhhh, wow… I haven’t cried like this since the third Mr. Teeny died!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘He’s got a heart as big as my booooooobs!’ — Booberella

‘Oh, god. Are you always on?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘That was totally worth it.’ — Homer Simpson

‘There’s nothing more pathetic than self-delusion, eh?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Oooh! Hello, Beefcake Charlie!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Look at you go! Typity-type-type-type!’ — Marge Simpson

Future-Drama

‘You think you’re better than me, eh, puke?’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘Do you even know what you’re going to do with your life?’ — Jennda

‘You really press my cider.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

Girlie Edition

‘This isn’t right… this isn’t right at all!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘All your hard work and grade-grubbing have finally paid off!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry.’ — News Producer

‘You’re finally giving something back to the community after taking so, so much!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours sure is powerful stuff!’ — Lisa Simpson

Girls Just Want to Have Sums

‘It’s no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight As in school.’ — Seymour Skinner

‘You’re a worse version of Hitler!’ — Lindsey Nagle

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ — Jake Boyman

‘You just want somebody to say, ‘I love you’. I love you.’ — Jake Boyman

‘Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘I’m still frowny with you!’ — Marge Simpson

‘At least everyone knows I’m smarter than you.’ — Homer Simpson

Goo Goo Gai Pan

‘That’ll end the heartbreak!’ — Selma Bouvier

‘He’s perfect! For this little guy, I’m gonna give up smoking.’ — Selma Bouvier

‘You are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this!’ — Dragon

‘Your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster.’ — Homer Simpson

‘He’s like a little angel that killed fifty million people!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Maybe some day someone will love you too, childless servant.’ — Madame Wu

‘Let’s cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.’ — Chinese guard

Gump Roast

‘Hey, hey, hey — I didn’t ask for your life story.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘Wow, tell me more!’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘I’m sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It’s always secrets and lies!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Cease all quips and comebacks!’ — Kodos

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

‘Hey, how’d you like a Details magazine up hte wazoo?’ — Pushy New Yorker

‘Actually, I’d say you’re having a severe psychotic episode.’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Hey, spare me your guttermouth.’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Will you be my dad?’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘You idiot! You’ll ruin everything!’ — Penn Jillette

‘Will you shut up?’ — Teller

‘Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone?’ — Access Springfield host

Home Away From Homer

‘Oh, boy! This is what sunny Sunday afternoons are for!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘What language is this? Gibby-gabby?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Hey, this is one of those dirty websites!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Wait’ll I tell everyone about this! I’ll feel important without drinking. That’ll be weird.’ — Homer Simpson

Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily

‘If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it’s you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Ah, it’s like I’m on some wonderful drug!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I thought I could ride this thing out, but it’s just too weird here.’ — Lisa Simpson

Homer and Marge Turn a Couple Play

‘Your loneliness saddens me.’ — Springfield Isotopes announcer

‘See, that’s what I want. Carefree intimacy with no inter-resentment.’ — Buck Mitchell

‘I was just thinking sad thoughts about you.’ — Marge Simpson

‘He was the first man who didn’t just like me for my body. He always complimented me on my hair.’ — Tabitha Vixx

‘Enough with the baseball analogies. They sicken me.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You suck!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Real fair! Class act!’ — Homer Simpson

Homer and Apu

‘Oh, no — it is encrusted with filth.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘He’s head and shoulders above everyone else.’ — Kwik-E-Mart executive

‘I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘Actually, I thought it was a little labored. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘Hey, don’t… jerk me around, fella.’ — James Woods

‘Well, that was a big bust.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re, like, the guy. You’re a legend around here.’ — James Woods

Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass

‘This whole place is disgusting!’ — Crazy Cat Lady

‘Check it out, fatwad. I’m better than you, and I’m only ten!’ — Bart Simpson

‘He makes me look cool. And cool I’m not.’ — Comic Book Guy

‘The internet wasn’t intended for mockery — it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share databases. It was!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Looks like all you’re teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Your mouth is hopin’ for a soapin’, boy!’ — Ned Flanders

‘Look at the American computer monkey!’ — Italians Touring America bus driver

‘You’re goin’ down, you potato-eatin’ patsy!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I would pay to see it again, and again, and again, and again, but NOT six times!’– Professor John Frink

‘You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.’ — Michelle Kwan

‘What a tool.’ — Carl Carlson

‘I left the People’s Republic for this?’ — Yao Ming

Homer Defined

‘The little touches are what made it enduring.’ — Martin Prince

‘Auuugh! It’s as fat as a phone book!’ — Homer Simpson

‘D’oh! Get to the point, man!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Don’t worry. Sooner or later, people like that are exposed for the frauds they are.’ — Magic Johnson

‘A role model in my very own home. How convenient.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Oh, cut the false modesty. It’s getting tiresome.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘That one’s always been a problem.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘He’s got a spark. It’s not a bad thing. Of course… it makes him do bad things.’ — Marge Simpson

Homer Goes to College

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Don’t you have a better picture?’ — Bart Simpson

‘Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.’ — College Admissions Officer

‘This is just like one of those bad dreams!’ — Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson in ‘Kidney Trouble’

‘This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Do we have to listen to you?’ — Homer Simpson

‘It angries up the blood!’ — Abe Simpson

‘What are you, an animal?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Nothing’s too good for a wonderful, generous man like you!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Now you’re just trying to scare me!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Even I wouldn’t do that… and I’m America’s bad boy.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I stole this accordian from a blind monkey, but you — *ptui*! You disgust even me!’ — Ship of Lost Souls Frenchman

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife

‘Hey, funny man! Say something funny!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Weeeeell, that might be interesting… or, it could damage many, many lives.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Bit different, bit weird. Not sexual.’ — Charles Heathbar

‘You take forever to say nothing.’ — Homer Simpson

‘He’s a very impressive boy!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Wordplay. Brilliant.’ — Charles Heathbar

‘Well, you’ve set me up for laughs down the road!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Terrible. Offensive. Towards women… little amusing, don’t you think?’ — Charles Heathbar

‘You’re a born storyteller!’ — Marge Simpson

‘How’d you think up so many rhyming words?’ — Marge Simpson

‘What is it about him that is so damned irresistable?’ — Charles Heathbar

Homer the Heretic

‘He doesn’t mean to be sacreligious, lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.’ — Marge Simpson

‘It’s good for what ails you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I think I’ll give him a canker sore.’ — God

‘Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Perfect teeth, nice smell. A class act, all the way.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Truly, this was an act of god.’ — Lisa Simpson

Homer the Moe

‘It’s like an unfunny version of me.’ — Homer Simpson

‘That is the stupidest story I ever heard — and I’ve read the entire ‘Sweet Valley High’ series.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘It’s ‘PoMo’!… Post-modern!… Yeah, all right, weird for the sake of weird.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘All this yelling is taking away my horny.’ — Russian model

Homer the Smithers

‘Terrible at everything! A complete moron!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You… shouldn’t go away on vacation.’ — Homer Simpson

Homer the Vigilante

‘You’re the man, man!’ — Otto Mann

‘You’ve done a lot of great things — but you’re a very old man now, and old people are useless.’ — Homer Simpson

‘It makes me feel like a big man.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘The best way for you to help is to set a good example.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You let me down, man. Now I don’t believe in nothing no more! I’m going to law school!’ — Jimbo Jones

‘Oh, he’s so charming!’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

Homer to the Max

‘Tell me one thing mankind has ever done that’s any better.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Maybe he’s just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah… that’s gotta be it.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Come on, dumdum — do something unintelligent, there.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘Oh, man! What’s he gonna do for an encore?’ — Carl Carlson

‘Get ready, everybody… he’s about to do something stupid.’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Your growing insanity is starting to worry me.’ — Marge Simpson

Homer vs. Dignity

‘Ohh, you talk too much!’ — Edna Krabappel

‘Oh ho ho! Hi-larious!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You’ve made a powerful enemy today, my friend.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘That was capital. My lung is aching!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Ah, that was uproarious! First-rate job, monkey.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘This is better than a movie, why?’ — Grumpy Albequerquean

‘Oh shut up, you tub of guts!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Homer’s Odyssey

‘All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.’ — Bart Simpson

‘He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I haven’t seen anything like it since Jolson.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You’re not as stupid as you look… or sound… or our best testing indicates.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

Homer’s Paternity Coot

‘Oh, be cool for once!’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘Ooh, hello handsome!’ — Abe Simpson

‘His hobbies are philandering, writing letters, and making up for lost time.’ — Homer Simpson

‘So I infer from all the knickknacks that you’re some kind of fruitcake?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Wow, that story had everything!’ — Homer Simpson

‘We’re still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.’ — Marge Simpson

‘All right! Nap time.’ — Mason Fairbanks

Homer’s Phobia

‘Okay, so maybe that thing’s a hunk of junk.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Oh, man — you weren’t kidding about this place! Well, I just love it.’ — John, Cockamamie’s clerk

‘Why, I could wrap a bow around you and slap on a price tag.’ — John, Cockamamie’s clerk

‘He is quite a charmer.’ — Marge Simpson

‘What on earth are you talking about?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.’ — John, Cockamamie’s clerk

‘If there was a law, it would be against it.’ — Homer Simpson

Homerazzi

‘You’re out of shape, even for an American.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Oh, man. I thought I was strong enough to get through this again, but… I’m not!’ — Carl Carlson

‘Jerks like you ought to be shot!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘This is good! Real good! Like Lindsey Lohan looking drunk, high, and bony.’ — Springfield Inquisitor editor

‘Terrific! Outstanding! This has page one written all over it!’ — Springfield Inquisitor editor

Hunka Hunka Burns in Love

‘Why… why… he’s like a young me!’ — Woody Allen

‘You can lift my wiper any day!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Wow! Who do you have to kill to get a place like this?’ — Homer Simpson

‘No offense, but you’re a decrepit monkey skeleton.’ — Chief Wiggum

I, (Annoyed Grunt) Bot

‘Man, this is so confusing! What the hell is this?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Aw, geez. I’m the only one in the audience over fifteen.’ — Moe Szyslak

I’m Spelling as Fast as I Can

‘Well, I got my laugh. I’m outta here.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Stop laughing! It’ll scar him for life!’ — Seymour Skinner

‘Enh, you ain’t so hot.’ — Moe Szyzlak

‘Hey, lookit — it’s that youngun what sorts them squiggles into words’ — Cletus Spuckler

‘It’s so exciting! It’s like living in a dictionary!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘He’s crowdpleasing, and he’s cute. Women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him.’ — George Plimpton

I’m With Cupid

‘I’m glad you’re always here, but isn’t it a little rough on your marriage?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Please, do not be insane.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘Don’t just gasp — read it!’ — Homer Simpson

‘He’s makin’ us look bad.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Oh, that’s very sweet. Have a Grammy.’ — Sir Elton John

‘If I know his M.O., he’s saved the biggest one for today.’ — Clancy Wiggum

‘Well, this is turnin’ out to be a total waste of time.’ — Moe Szyslak

I Am Furious Yellow

‘You speak like a poet, but you punch like one, too!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘I won’t stand by while you’re glamorizing sass!’ — Seymour Skinner

‘Hey, aren’t you the guy who was stalking Linda Carter?’ — Stan Lee

‘Well, it delivers what it promises.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Whoa, that’s funny!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘You’re the internet’s number one non-porno site!’ — Lenny Leonard

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)

‘I wish I had more customers like you.’ — Max the Ice Cream Man

‘Human feelings expressed by a human.’ — Kent Brockman

‘My god, it’s beautiful!’ — Moe Szyslak

‘That’s right, tell me all your little wooden dreams. You’re not alone any more, no you ain’t.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘This is the most fun I’ve ever had giving you wood.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You don’t care about anyone else’s happiness but your own.’ — Marge Simpson

‘The world’s not that interested!’ — Homer Simpson

‘If everyone was like you, our morgues would be empty.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

In Marge We Trust

‘Do you know, thanks to you, I’ve rediscovered a form of shame that’s gone unused for seven hundred years?’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘Youuuuuuu… You’re just lucky God isn’t here!’ — St. Eleutherius

‘Now that’s religion!’ — Homer Simpson

Insane Clown Poppy

‘You’re a national treasure!’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Oh, he’s wonderful! He would do anything for his fans!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Guuuuuh! I think I just seltzered myself.’ – Krusty the Clown

‘Hey! You’re just fanning the flames of hatred!’ — Gulf War Soldier

‘I typed ‘pathetic clown’ into a search engine, and your name popped right up!’ — Sophie Krustofsky

‘You know, for a clown, you’re not really a lot of fun.’ — Sophie Krustofsky

Itchy & Scratchy Land

‘We just got here, and already I’m mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Wow… this is so much like in my dreams, it’s scary.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I’d be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy’s mother.’ — Itchy & Scratchy Land patron

Jaws Wired Shut

‘You suck! No wonder your parents are gettin’ divorced.’ — Soccer Kid

‘Pardon my French, but sometimes that man’s a goofy-doofy!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I don’t know what you said, but I’m sure it was beautiful.’ — Marge Simpson

‘This place is so boring!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I’ve never felt more alive!’ — Marge Simpson

Jazzy and the Pussycats

‘Ooooh, why couldn’t he give up this, like he gives up everything else?’ — Marge Simpson

‘I like you more now than other people like you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Ooohhhhhhhh… auggggghhhh… how can I end this torture?’ — Bart Simpson

Kamp Krusty

‘I haven’t seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘Ya silk-wearing buttercup.’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘Spare me your euphemisms!’ — Martin Prince

‘Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘This is a little more rustic than I expected.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘He’s still funny, but not ha-ha funny.’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Viet Nam, Afganistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.’ — Kent Brockman

Kill the Alligator and Run

‘He’s just a… harmless maniac, here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘This looks like a terrible place to relax.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Awwww. He can crawl up through my toilet any day.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Eh-heh-heh. Doesn’t he talk funny?’ — Homer Simpson

King of the Hill

‘You’d be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he’s drinking.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Two months ago, I didn’t know what the word dumbbell meant. This place is great!’ — Homer Simpson

‘If you toned up a little, you’d probably get a lot more action.’ — Homer Simpson

‘He helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I love it!’ — Rainier Wolfcastle

‘It’s believable. That’s what I like about it!’ — Brad, PowerSauce sales rep

‘If you’re trying to scare me, it won’t work!’ — Homer Simpson

Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore

‘You’ll find his dedication and integrity make him… untouchable.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘We gotta get rid of this kook.’ — Selma Bouvier

‘You don’t have to worship him. He’s not a god.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Yeeeeah. He’s funny.’ — Homer Simpson

Lard of the Dance

‘We have so much in common!’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘My God, you’re greasy.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Aw, you always know just what to say to cheer me up!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card, so *pphhhfftttt* on you.’ — Alex Whitney

‘Oh, act your age.’ — Lisa Simpson

Last Exit to Springfield

‘That is one evil dude.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Uh, my director is telling me not to talk to you any more.’ — Kent Brockman

Last Tap Dance in Springfield

‘This is way better than camp!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Well, you’ll never save grampa’s farm with that attitude.’ — Little Vicky

‘It’s most entertaining… but how does that help me?’ — Lisa Simpson

Lemon of Troy

‘What’s normal to him amazes us!’ — Springfieldian of the future

‘He will be our new god.’ — Springfieldian of the future

‘Hey, everybody! An old man’s talking.’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘This place is startin’ to freak me out!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘No one in history has ever done anything this clever.’ — Homer Simpson

Life on the Fast Lane

‘Nah, too corny.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m sure he doesn’t do it deliberately.’ — Marge Simpson

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ — Bart Simpson

‘I don’t see what he’s doing that’s so different than what I’m doing.’ — Marge Simpson

‘This is what psychologists call overcompensation.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I don’t know how you do it. You’ve just got a gift, I guess. I’ve always thought so.’ — Homer Simpson

Lisa’s Sax

‘Very nice!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Briliiant! Heh-heh-heh… I have absolutely no idea what’s going on.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I wish I was interesting like you.’ — Bart Simpson

‘You’re funny!’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘Man, that is killer material!’ — Jimbo Jones

‘I want you to knock off that potty talk right now.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘He’s the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms.’ — Nelson Muntz

Lisa Gets an A

‘If you’re gonna get snippy, I’ll take my business elsewhere.’ — Bart Simpson

‘How do I get that kind of credibility?’ — Lisa Simpson

Lisa on Ice

‘Wow! Eye of the tiger! Mouth of a teamster!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’ll have to do better than that tonight, chump!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I hope you understand I’m too tense to pretend I like you.’ — Marge Simpson

Lisa the Greek

‘My God… it’s like there’s some kind of bond between us.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’ll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I promise you… I will never get tired of this.’ — Bart Simpson

‘It may not be pretty, but dammit, it’s honest.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers — where are you?’ — Bart Simpson

Lisa the Iconoclast

‘You’re a big fat loudmouth. And you can walk, when you have to.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I think you’ll find he’s easily the equal of William Dawes, or even Samuel Otis.’ — Hollis Hurlbut

‘Good god, he is fabulous!’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘He’s embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

Lisa the Simpson

‘This is terrible at best.’ — Elizabeth Hoover

‘What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure? Dog food?’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Lisa the Tree Hugger

‘I like your attitude!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re ruining the earth!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I can’t believe how young he is! He’d be cute if he weren’t so idealistic.’ — Marge Simpson

‘No girl could resist your charm!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Sir, have you no shame?’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Ah, you’re sweet.’ — Jesse Grass

Little Big Girl

‘We should take lots of pictures of him, while we still can.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I didn’t come here to be insulted. Gutentag!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘That boy is a hero!’ — Sideshow Mel

‘Whoa. You just blew my mind.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I kid, but he’s a real jerk.’ — John Squawking Bear

‘The very name conjures up romance and intrigue.’ — Bart Simpson

Little Girl in the Big Ten

‘I can’t believe I never met you before!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Ay-yi-yi! Que curiosidad!’ — Bumblebee Guy

‘That place had a Manson family vibe.’ — Tina the gymnast

‘You’re like my mommy after her box of wine!’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘For once, I thought I was with intellectual equals.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘The atmosphere there was so stimulating! It was a bustling marketplace of ideas!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Can’t you be a team player, just once?’ — Superintendent Chalmers

‘I got a question — how dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.’ — Agnes Skinner

Lost Our Lisa

‘What are you beatin’ your gums about?’ — Brandine Spuckler

‘Shouldn’t you be at work?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Shouldn’t you be at work right now?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Somebody stop that awful, awful man!’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘Archaeologists have been studying it for decades, and still have no clue what it means.’ — Lisa Simpson

Make Room for Lisa

‘Oh, you’re gonna regret that, pinko!’ — Security Guard

‘Hey! Channel somebody who gives a damn.’ — Repo Man

‘I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building!’ — Homer Simpson

Marge Gamer

‘This stuff will rock your wolrd!’ — Homer Simpson

‘The only thing that changes is the banner ad.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I’m disappointed with the way you acted today — but I’m not surprised.’ — Lisa Simpson

Marge Simpson in Screaming Yellow Honkers

‘I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Quiet, fatso!’ — Agnes Skinner

‘You have a serious mental illness.’ — Clancy Wiggum

‘Why are the pretty ones always insane?’ — Clancy Wiggum

‘I sentence you to kiss my ass!’ — Road rage judge

‘I’ve seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to god. Plays!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Is there anything that guy doesn’t know?’ — Homer Simpson

Marge’s Son Poisoning

‘Goldurnit, son — what the hell kind of sissy are you?’ — Crazy Texan

‘Oooh, such respect! You could grow up to be a doorman!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I’m starting to have grave doubts about this thing I barely liked in the first place’ — Homer Simpson

Margical Mystery Tour

‘I think a celibate Italian wierdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.’ — Sir Thomas More

‘See you in hell, fat man!’ — ‘Margarine’ of Aragon

‘I’ll tell you what’s poisonous — your attitude!’ — Otto ‘Tweedleburger’

‘You’re gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow.’ — Meriweather Lewis

‘Oh Lord — why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool?’ — Salieri

‘Ooh! This makes me want to fart till I drop! Mmm! Oh! Mmm! I say! Ooh!’ — Opera Dandy

Maximum Homerdrive

‘Take my advice — this one’s not for greenhorns.’ — Red Barclay

‘You’re a true American hero, and you did it with style and dignty.’ — Homer Simpson

‘That little punk!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I thought you were just a marketing gimmick.’ — Lisa Simpson

Midnight Rx

‘What a magical party this has been!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I would die for you!’ — Lenny Leonard

‘Why, I do believe you’re smuggling… a heart as big as all outdoors.’ — U.S. border guard

‘I sure like the cut of your jibberish!’ — Ned Flanders

‘They warned me Satan would be attractive.’ — Ned Flanders

‘Careful — it’s hotter than a Fox News weather skank.’ — Ned Flanders

‘For the first time in my life I can say without being drunk that I truly admire you.’ — Homer Simpson

Milhouse Doesn’t Live Here

‘I’d like to hippity-hop on your balance beam!’ — Paul Lynde

‘I don’t think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex.’ — Nadia Comaneci

‘I don’t like you, boy mommy!’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘Wow. Now that is good crazy.’ — Hobo

‘That’s what you call commitment to a bit.’ — Bart Simpson

‘You just made an enemy for life!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

Million Dollar Abie

‘Oh, I’ve had enough of your stinking thinking.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re a useless old man!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re the only smile I got.’ — Abe Simpson

‘Nice guy. He’s a little… a little screwed up.’ — Dr. Egoyan

‘I don’t get what he’s doin’, and I’m smart.’ — Lenny Leonard

Mobile Homer

‘Always nice to see him.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Oh, this is only based on a story… a TRUE story?!?’ — Marge Simpson

‘From what I hear, you waltz in there at ten thirty, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.’ — Marge Simpson

‘It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute.’ — Turkish sea captain

Moe Baby Blues

‘Hah! Least there’s someone worse off than me.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘You know, it gave me kind of a good, warm feeling… like when you get drunk and fall asleep in the snow.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘That hideous man is a hero!’ — Sideshow Mel

‘Get a neck, Frankenstein!’ — Selma Bouvier

‘I ain’t cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III.’ — Fat Tony

Mom and Pop Art

‘No offense, but even I could kick your ass.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I don’t know. I studied art for years, but I just don’t get this.’ — Marge Simpson

‘You’ve gone from hip to boring. Why don’t you call us when you get to kitsch?’ — Gunther

Mommie Beerest

‘My god, look at this filth. I oughta close this place down for good.’ — Frankie the Health Inspector

‘Quit playing dumb.’ — Marge Simpson

‘That’s a deliberate misstatement of fact… but I’ll allow it.’ — Judge Roy Snyder

‘You mean I listened to all your touchy-feely yipyap for nothing?’ — Moe Szyslak

‘You’d be quite a catch if you’d just shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath.’ — Marge Simpson

Monty Can’t Buy Me Love

‘Wow, what a high-tech wonderland.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Whoa! This place has everything!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Ooh, I hear this really sucks.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘That man’s totally insane.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Ooh, that flamboyant fop. He’s got them eating out of his hand.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Where’s the dignity? Where’s the contempt for the common man?’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Tell me more, fatty!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage.’ — Homer Simpson

‘So what do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?’ — Homer Simpson

Mother Simpson

‘You awful, awful man!’ — Mona Simpson

‘This is so weird. It’s like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl!’ — Abe Simpson

‘Oh! The ignorance!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?’ — FBI Agent

Mr. Plow

‘You sicken me.’ — Springfield pedestrian

‘I think he’ll do just fine.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘Hey! Where’ve you been all my life?’ — Barney Gumble

‘Stop. Please. Stop it right now.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Promise you’ll never do that again.’ — Lisa Simpson

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

‘It makes my blood boil! And my left arm feel numb… also, I taste copper.’ — Congressman Wilcox

‘Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on to make Dr. Doolittle, I suppose we can make this work.’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

‘I like that clown. He’s really looking out for me — the average Joe Six-Tooth.’ — Cletus

My Big Fat Geek Wedding

‘It looks good — but I’m not going to celebrate until he’s gaffed, gutted, and hanging in my trophy room.’ — Edna Krabappel

‘You’re the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.’ — Superintendant Chalmers

‘Oh, man, is this awkward. I’m outta here.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Every day you find a new way to aggravate me.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Well, in retrospect, I could’ve been a little more into the whole thing.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘This is so sad.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Yeah. He’s crazy, all right.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Boy, it sucks to be you!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Every second without you is like a million kicks in the crotch!’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘Hey, women’d put out just to get out of there.’ — Bart Simpson

‘It’s like I’m DC comics, and you’re Marvel.’ — Edna Krabappel

‘You look like a Malaysian transsexual!’ — Agnes Skinner

‘He doesn’t know how to love.’ — Marge Simpson

My Fair Laddy

‘Precisely the type of wordplay I seek to discourage.’ — Seymour Skinner

‘I hope I’m not being too personal, but you seem resigned to a life of abject squalor.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Maybe you could aim a little higher.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill ya for what ye done to me!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘It’s time he learned life ain’t one big party!’ — Groundskeeper Willie’s father

‘Hubba hubba! Mommy like!’ — Agnes Skinner

‘Hah! I got that reference!’ — Edna Krabappel

‘That’s a great gag! Can I use it? I’m takin’ it, anyway!’ — Krusty the Clown

My Mother the Carjacker

‘This is your moment in the sun — and I couldn’t be more pleased for your happiness.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Don’t drag me down with you, old man!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Oh, relax. I’m sure it’s just your brain going crazy.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I love you so much… but it’s so hard for me to trust you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re like the son I never killed.’ — Women’s Prison Inmate

My Sister, My Sitter

‘I’m gonna recommend you to everybody!’ — Ned Flanders

‘This is what I imagine Paris must be like.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Hey, this isn’t faux dive. This is a dive.’ — Moe’s Brewing Company patron

Natural Born Kisser

‘What are ya, simple?’ — Abe Simpson

‘Woo! This is so naughty!’ — Marge Simpson

‘This should be in a museum.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Think of the children! Won’t somebody please think of the children?!’ — Moe Szyslak

‘Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry’s column.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘He’s great! He pokes fun at life’s little foibles.’ — Bart Simpson

New Kids on the Blecch

‘He’ll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart!’ — L.T. Smash

‘No one told me there was gonna be boasting!’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘Cut it out! You’re a grown man!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I coulda thought of that.’ — L.T. Smash

Old Money

‘I can tell I’d better keep my good eye on you.’ — Beatrice Simmons

‘What a wingding! This is muuuuuch better than my girlfriend’s birthday party.’ — Abe Simpson

‘He’s just a stupid little kid who says the first thing that pops into his head. But, you know — there’s wisdom in his innocence.’ — Homer Simpson

On a Clear Day I Can’t See My Sister

‘Oh, I just love it here! So many things, and so many things of each thing!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Now look who’s senile!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I learned too late that it implied tumescence.’ — Seymour Skinner

‘Jesus loves you! Just kidding.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘This time, you’ve got too far!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘So, you see what happens when you don’t obey your restraining order?’ — Clancy Wiggum

‘This place smells, and something’s dripping on me.’ — Bart Simpson

‘That’s it, mister — I am disgruntled. And up until now, I was relatively gruntled.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I don’t mean to be mean, but every time I think about forgiving him, I think about all the bad things he’s done to me.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Well, I mean, it’s a little American primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art?’ — Lisa Simpson

Poppa’s Got a Brand New Badge

‘Man, am I appeased!’ — Carl Carlson

‘Eh-heh. I love this kid.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re pushin’ your luck, pal.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Heh heh heh heh heh — what a character!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You know — you could be a little more helpful.’ — Fat Tony

Pranksta Rap

‘Man, are you illin’!’ — Bart Simpson

‘It encourages punching, boastfulness, and rudeness to hos!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Now that’s the can-do attitude that puts dudes in the can!’ — Barney Fife

‘But for once in your life,can’t you just be cool?’ — Bart Simpson

Pray Anything

‘Well, hot dog! That cuts the mustard with me!’ — Ned Flanders

‘I think this might be the work of Satan.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Awww, he thinks he’s papal!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?!’ — Ned Flanders

‘Aren’t you afraid you might be… I dunno… incurring God’s wrath?’ — Marge Simpson

‘I say we skin him alive and set him on fire!’ — Moe Szyslak

Radio Bart

‘All right! Stick it to the man!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Well done, old man.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!’ — Homer Simpson

Realty Bites

‘Actually, this was our first time… and I didn’t really care for it.’ — Sideshow Mel

‘Well, I’m just gonna spill my guts — I love it to death!’ — Ned Flanders

Regarding Margie

‘No one can rationalize like you.’ — Bart Simpson

‘I really know where you’re coming from.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Wow! That’s what I would have said!’ — Marge Simpson

‘You’ve been drinking today, haven’t you?’ — Marge Simpson

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times

‘Well, enjoy your sensual tongueplay while you can.’ — Moe Syzslak

‘What is this place?’ — Kerney Zzyzwicz

‘I always thought you were the coolest dork.’ — Jimbo Jones

‘Wow, that had what I really like in a story. An ending.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You? You’re too dumb to tell a story.’ — Homer Simpson

‘That stunk worse than boiled cabbage!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Everything’s work with you. Lighten up.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘Hey, jerk! Puns are lazy writing.’ — Krusty the Clown

Saturdays of Thunder

‘One of our best writers.’ — Troy McClure

‘What do you know? He’s wearing pants.’ — Patty Bouvier

‘Oh, stop talking crazy.’ — McBain

‘Oh-hoo! If he’s as smart as he is funny, I’m sold!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Well, that’s easy for you to say, you preachy, egg-headed institute guy!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Oh, how I envy you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘His winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief — he reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Whoa. Talk about your pieces of crap.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘My friend and I have a bet — are you Mary Tyler-Moore?’ — Barney Gumble

‘What is the matter with you?’ — Martin Prince

‘I salute your vigor!’ — Mayor Joe Quimby

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield

‘I’ve always dreamed of coming here!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Look — I found something more fun than complaining!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘It’s a bit peppery for me — why don’t we put this in the ‘maybe’ pile?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Gah! Ughhh. I knew my kind wasn’t welcome here.’ — Krusty the Clown

‘I like your in-your-face humanity!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Man, you’re crazy! This place is a dump.’ — Krusty Burger employee

‘Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

‘Look out Matthew Modine and Charlene Tilton — there are new stars in town!’ — Kent Brockman

‘Hey! You’re not John Ritter!’ — Selma Bouvier

‘You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.’ — Carl Carlson

See Homer Run

‘Oh, it’s heartfelt. There’s no escaping that.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You look like the mascot for some horrible southern college.’ — Marge Simpson

She Used to Be My Girl

‘Well, I’m placated… and so are all my friends in the local media!’ — Kent Brockman

‘You ain’t tasted the last of my spit.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘This just in — I’m pissed off!’ — Kent Brockman

‘I’m growing ashamed of my penis.’ — Homer Simpson

‘How about a half-hour of pity sex?’ — Chloe Talbot

Simpsons Bible Stories

‘I love you even more than the butterscotch pond — or the porno bush!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Do you ever think we could be more than just friends?’ — ‘Moses’ Van Houten

Simpsons Tall Tales

‘I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town — the same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.’ — Carl Carlson

‘It’s like a hootenanny in my mouth!’ — Sideshow Mel

Sleeping with the Enemy

‘What was that? That was crap!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You don’t have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I’ve gotta do something about him.’ — Bart Simpson

Smart and Smarter

‘You’re a poopy!’ — Nursery School Applicant

‘Oh my god, you’re not just smart — you’re brilliant!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Well, congratulations. You’re now as intelligent as a pig.’ — Simon Cowell

‘I’m bembarrassed for you!’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘The following ‘ha ha’ is not from amusement, but an expression of contempt: Ha haaaa!’ — Nelson Muntz

Springfield Connection

‘It’s people like you who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas. How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this?!’ — Marge Simpson

‘It was scary, but… in a weird way, it was also kind of exhilarating.’ — Marge Simpson

Springfield Up

‘He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time!’ — Marge Simpson

‘The light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re a blowhole!’ — Bart Simpson

‘I guess there’s no way I can embarrass you any further.’ — Declan Desmond

‘That’s the pool chemicals talking.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Shut up, you waste of skin and fat.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Strong words from a dumpy man.’ — Declan Desmond

‘A good man went to a lot of trouble just to impress you — and I went along with it because I love him to pieces.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Yeah, I know — it is stupid. I think it could work, though.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘I love his laugh.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘He’s the kindest, sweetest, most generous man ever to drive through my living room.’ — Ned Flanders

‘At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘You’re my real dream come true — and I get to live you every day.’ — Homer Simpson

Stop or My Dog Will Shoot

‘I didn’t come here to be insulted!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I don’t think he’s ever thought about anything.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Oh, I have a friend who would love him.’ — Shaquelle

‘He’ll bite your ass raw!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Mine was as funny as his.’ — Edna Krabappel

Summer of 4’2″

‘Try to show some dignity.’ — Bart Simpson

‘If you hadn’t done it, some other loser would have, so quit milking it.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘He writes the way people talk!’ — Becky, Springfield Elementary second grader

‘You’ll be my friend! I’m never, never going to let you get away!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Hey, this place rocks.’ — Erin from Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport

‘That kid, like, tries too hard.’ — Ben from Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport

‘The whole thing smacks of effort, man.’ — Rick from Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport

‘I just know we’re gonna be friends forever!’ — Lisa Simpson

Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

‘It’s so rigid and uncreative.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘I should give you a royal caning!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Get lost, you bloodsucking parasite.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You know, your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. The whole country is proud of you.’ — Bill Clinton

‘In retrospect, it was kind of a ripoff.’ — John Madden

‘Now, I’ll tell you — that doesn’t make a lick of sense.’ — John Madden

Supercalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious

‘This thing has me buffaloed!’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

‘You’re phony… fakey… phony! Fraud!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I like him!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You have my undivided attention.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Is this legal, man?’ — Jimbo Jones

‘With you, every day is Guy Fawkes Day!’ — Bart Simpson

‘You’ve changed me, as well. I’m no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.’ — Homer Simpson

Sweets and Sour Marge

‘That thing knows me better than I know myself!’ — Moe Szyslak

‘There are thousands of people like you with no discernible talent.’ — Book of World Records judge

‘If you looked up ‘meanie beanie fo-feanie’ in a dictionary, you’d see his picture!’ — Marge Simpson

Tennis the Menace

‘He’s saying the stuff we all forgot.’ — Jasper Beardley

‘Can he say that?’ — Abe Simpson

‘Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks.’ — Homer Simpson

‘His clowning around is putting me at ease.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘Go ahead and smile, smart guy. I’m gonna mop you up like turkey gravy.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You know, there’s a lesson here for all of us — it’s better to watch stuff than to do stuff.’ — Homer Simpson

Thank God It’s Doomsday

‘Finally, a character I can relate to. I bet good things happen to him!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I never believed in you. Not for one second.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Buddy, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Hey, what’s the big idea, pally? Why so crabby?’ — Dean Martin

The 138th Episode Spectacular

‘The nation’s showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers!’ — Troy McClure

‘Thanks for writing!’ — Troy McClure

‘It made every Indian critic’s Top 400 List.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

The Blunder Years

‘You pulled me out of school for this?’ –‘ Lisa Simpson

‘You’re so rugged and manly!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Congratulations! I feel ridiculous.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I didn’t come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot.’ — John Frink

‘Oh, that is so cool!’ — Clancy Wiggum

The Boys of Bummer

‘This makes up for everything that’s gone wrong in my life, or ever will!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Well, he’s done very well for someone who came out blue and backwards.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Oh, it’s horrible, but you can’t take your eyes away. It’s like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade!’ — Springfield Isotots announcer

‘I put on fresh makeup for this?’ — Krusty the Clown

‘You stink like a Dutchman’s throwup!’ — Joe LaBoot

‘Boo. Boo indeed.’ — Joe LaBoot

The Canine Mutiny

‘I can’t resist his charms!’ — Homer Simpson

‘He unholied the holy water!’ — Agnes Skinner

‘I ‘ate his little face, I ‘ate his guts, and I ‘ate the way he’s always barking!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

‘Oh, that’s just drunk talk! Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.’ — Barney Gumble

‘That took too long!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Hey, why don’t you be polite, you stinking pusbag?’ — Helpful New Yorker

‘Gaaaooh! Jeez! That’s just… awful!’ — Homer Simpson

‘How frightfully rude. I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.’ — Well-to-do New York lady

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

‘If there’s a better use for the internet, I haven’t found it.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Here it is, everybody — the world’s greatest web site!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You can’t post that on the internet — you don’t even know if it’s true!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘There’s no emoticon for what I’m feeling!’ — Comic Book Guy

‘Maybe you should quit while you’re ahead.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Journalistic dynamite.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You are a credit to the Great Satan.’ — Arab terrorist

‘It’s so simple! Wait, no it’s not. It’s needlessly complicated.’ — Homer Simpson

The Dad Who Knew Too Little

‘Heh-heh-heh… priceless!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Shut up! Some of us prefer illusions to despair!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘Ah, the information I’ve been waiting for! So far, so good.’ — Homer Simpson

The Fat and the Furriest

‘How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’ll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Choke on your candor!’ — Homer Simpson

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star

‘I love you, but sometimes I don’t love your choices.’ — Marge Simpson

‘In the old days, we’d use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.’ — Catholic School Nun

The Front

‘You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie!’ — Cartoon scriptwriter / Harvard alumnus

‘You’re a comedy writer? My god, you’re so old!’ — Roger Meyers

The Great Money Caper

‘You talk too much! Abra ca-blab-ra!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Hrrmmm… should I just back out of the room?’ — Marge Simpson

‘What in the hell are you talking about?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Wait a minute… this seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon…’ — Ned Flanders

‘I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence — but there’s a simple and highly satisfying explanation.’ — Lisa Simpson

The Haw-Hawked Couple

‘I don’t like him!’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘Sometimes, you can be kind of a jerk.’ — Bart Simpson

‘It was a one-time thing, and now I’ll never see him again.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Hey gas ball — you suck!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘Man, I never knew you were so deep.’ — Bart Simpson

‘You’re a nut bar! A whack job! A kookadooka!’ — Bart Simpson

‘There you go again. You act all nice, then you go crazy.’ — Bart Simpson

The Heartbroke Kid

‘When people used to ask me how you were doing, I said, ‘At least he’s got his health.’ Now you’ve got nothing!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Once again, you’ve delivered an important message wrapped in entertainment.’ — Bart Simpson

‘This can’t be legal!’ — Bart Simpson

‘That freeloading fatso!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Struedel-sucking globenheimer. You need to think about that. That’s what the human race thinks of you.’ — Tab Spangler

‘You’re a catastrophe!’ — Tab Spangler

‘You’re a selfish jerk!’ — Homer Simpson

The Homer They Fall

‘Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problem.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Is he another hobo?’ — Homer Simpson

‘I think he’s a good man, I like him, I’ve got nothing against him, but I’m definitely gonna… make orphans of his children.’ — Drederick Tatum

‘Have you lost your mind!?’ — Marge Simpson

‘This just in — go to hell!’ — Kent Brockman

‘Kill him! Kill him!’ — Dr. Nick Riviera

‘Are you an angel?’ — Homer Simpson

‘You will always be a loser.’ — Lucious Sweet

The Italian Bob

‘What is this crap?’ — Nelson Muntz

‘This is worse than ‘Wheelchair-nocchio!’ — Bart Simpson

‘I always thought you were, you know, ‘out loud and proud’.’ — Homer Simpson

‘He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.’ — Francesca Terwilliger

‘You know, you’ll make some murderer very happy someday.’ — Sideshow Bob Terwilliger

‘Hey, don’t blame me. I didn’t write this crap.’ — Krusty the Clown

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

‘You can cram it with walnuts, ugly!’ — Homer Simpson

‘Now, that’s just bad. You’ve got no attitude, you’re barely outrageous, and I don’t know what you’re in, but it’s not *my* face.’ — Itchy & Scratchy Producer

‘Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.’ — Comic Book Guy

The Last Temptation of Homer

‘I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘Damn your feeble brain!’ — Martin Prince

‘Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women.’ — Springfield dermatologist

‘Your appearance is comical to me.’ — Martin Prince

‘That is so insightful. How did you come up with that?’ — Homer Simpson

‘I think we’ll find we have very little in common.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard!’ — Capitol City citizen

‘Is there any way to get out of this?’ — Homer Simpson

The Last Temptation of Krusty

‘Well, well, well — if it isn’t Professor Know-It-All.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re the reason I went into comedy. If it weren’t for you, I’d be a doctor.’ — Bobcat Goldthwait

‘You, sir, are an idiot.’ — Krusty the Clown

‘You can be so cruel when you’re sober.’ — Sideshow Mel

‘Oh, this sucks. I am outta here.’ — Bart Simpson

The Mansion Family

‘He is, like, totally venerable.’ — Britney Spears

‘The way I figure it, he’s due for a good performance.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘That’s some language you got there. And you talk like that 24-7, huh?’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m not reading this drivel.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘Tsk. So many swears.’ — Lisa Simpson

The Monkey Suit

‘You’ve gotta take this thing with a grain of salt. I mean, come on!’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘They’ll be hanging on your every word.’ — Helen Lovejoy

‘In the old days, we would have been all over that.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

The Mook, The Chef, the Wife and Her Homer

‘Why can’t you talk like a dude?’ — Kerney Zzyzwicz

‘Oh, wow — this is about ninety percent less funny than you think it is.’ — Otto Mann

‘One more crack out of you, young man, and I’m showing everyone your baby pictures.’ — Marge Simpson

‘He’s so gross and stupid.’ — Sherri

The Old Man and the C Student

‘I’ve never wanted a beer worse in my life.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.’ — Seymour Skinner

‘I hear a foghorn — boooooo-riiiiiing!’ — Bart Simpson

‘I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.’ — Abe Simpson

The Old Man and the Key

‘Now that you’re here, I’m changin’ my instructions to DO resuscitate!’ — Abe Simpson

‘He’s as smooth as a fifty-year-old behind.’ — Abe Simpson

‘He used to be such an angel.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet.’ — Los Souvenir Jacketos gang member

‘You’re nothing but a hootchie! Hootchie! Hootchie! Hootchie!’ — Abe Simpson

The Old Man and the Lisa

‘What a load of garbage!’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘Ewwww! This place has got old man stink!’ — Bret ‘Hit Man’ Hart

‘Hey, aren’t you that guy everybody hates?’ — Barney Gumble

‘So, uh… how’s life in the gutter?’ — Homer Simpson

‘Shine on, you crazy diamond.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

The Otto Show

‘We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord!’ — Derek Smalls

‘What a gyp!’ — Bart Simpson

‘I think you have to be more aggressive, sir.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘That line didn’t work for my dad, and it’s not gonna work for you.’ — Homer Simpson

‘That guy has gotta go!’ — Homer Simpson

‘This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz.’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re the coolest adult I’ve ever met.’ — Bart Simpson

‘Well, if it isn’t Wee Willie Washout.’ — Patty Bouvier

The Regina Monologues

‘Aw, I wanna see it some more!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘If you let me keep looking at it, I’ll give you a quarter!’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘Quiet, you blundering fool! You’ll curse us all!’ — Sir Ian McKellen

‘If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him!’ — Queen Elizabeth

‘The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘There’s so much to see here!’ — British Prime Minister Tony Blair

‘You’ve turned a generation of kids onto reading.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘Look at his great staring eyes!’ — Tower of London tourist

‘You make Dame Edna look like a dude!’ — Homer Simpson

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

‘I just don’t know what we’re going to do with him!’ — Marge Simpson

‘No! This place is just a jail for children.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I’ve always said, the boy could use more… confidence.’ — Homer Simpson

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story

‘I’ve read about you. You’re shy, and rarely approach humans.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘The man’s a walking creamcicle!’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You need to get your hands dirty, Poindexter!’ — Crazy Texan

‘He’s gonna drink our bones!’ — Nelson Muntz

‘Lab partners don’t treat lab partners like this!’ — Martin Prince

‘Thanks to you, I’ve been sober a week!’ — Homer Simpson

‘This must be what it’s like to have a baby.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘I like to think I found a shred of humanity in his withered soul.’ — Lisa Simpson

The Seven-Beer Snitch

‘It’s like lookin’ in a mirror.’ — Brandine Spuckler

‘I’ve never heard such mean-spirited hate hoots!’ — Marge Simpson

‘I like the way you go nuts over nothing.’ — Officer Krackney

‘I’m sick of you positing an alternate reality.’ — Officer Krackney

‘Nice netiquette, jerk!’ — Snake

The Simpsons Christmas Stories

‘Quiet, you.’ — Lisa the Angel

‘I knew I’d like him, but I never dreamed I’d adore him.’ — Carl the Shepherd

‘Quiet, you.’ — C. Montgomery Burns

‘You useless waste of socks!’ — Abe Simpson

‘Somebody should have beat you with a tricycle years ago.’ — Abe Simpson

‘Well, that’s the craziest thing I’ll ever see.’ — Abe Simpson

‘Boo! This is terrible!’ — Dewey Largo

The Sweetest Apu

‘Lauding your legacy is a labor of love.’ — Tom Brokaw

‘I think he’s building to something.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘I’m so angry I could just… I could fall asleep!’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘This better be good, because you are interrupting my faithfulness.’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

‘It’s a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.’ — James Lipton

‘No offense, but you remind me of the monkey-man who slaughtered my family’s chickens.’ — Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon

‘Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth!’ — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

The Twisted World of Marge

‘You are such a wet blanket!’ — Maude Flanders

‘Face it — you can’t keep up with the go-go nineties.’ — Luann Van Houten

‘You’re about as popular as rug burn — heh heh heh.’ — Helen Lovejoy

‘Now you’re the one who’s being naive.’ — Marge Simpson

‘It just sickens me!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Look at him. He’s gonna do something — and you know it’s gonna be good.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I don’t hate you for failing. I love you for trying.’ — Marge Simpson

The War of the Simpsons

‘I’ve been wantin’ to tell you off for years, but I never had the nerve.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I have never been so embarrassed in my life.’ — Marge Simpson

‘I have as much respect for you as I ever did, or ever will.’ — Bart Simpson

‘It’s not that I don’t love the guy… I’m always sticking up for him — it’s just that he’s so self-centered.’ — Marge Simpson

‘He chews with his mouth open. He gambles! He hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!’ — Marge Simpson

‘He blows his nose on the towels and puts ’em back in the middle!’ — Marge Simpson

‘When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises, and when he wakes up he makes honking moises.’ — Marge Simpson

‘You rapscallion! You want me to take off my belt?’ — Abe Simpson

‘I’ll never trust another old person.’ — Bart Simpson

The Way We Was

‘I’m livin’ it, but I ain’t lovin’ it.’ — Bart Simpson

‘He’s all things to all men… and maybe to one lucky gal!’ — Barney Gumbel

‘You’re telling me new stuff, and minutes later it’s still there!’ — Homer Simpson

‘You’re like no one I’ve ever met before — you’re dear and honest and open, without a trace of pretention.’ — Marge Simpson

The Way We Weren’t

‘You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse.’ — Girls’ Camp Counselor

‘It was as satisfying as a million Hallmark cards with all the right-size envelopes.’ — Marge Simpson

‘It felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies.’ — Homer Simpson

The Wettest Stories Ever Told

‘Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!’ — Moe Szyslak

‘What jolly fun!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

‘There goes a real sack of crap.’ — Heckyl

‘That’s boring! You’re boring everybody! Quit boring everyone!’ — Homer Simpson

The Worst Episode Ever

‘You, sir, are a perfect patsy.’ — Tom Savini

‘You mocking me — oh, that is rich.’ — Comic Book Guy

‘What is this, Bizarro World?!’ — Comic Book Guy

‘Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I’d befriend an air conditioner.’ — Comic Book Guy

‘Well, you ill-mannered sack of crap!’ — Agnes Skinner

The Ziff Who Came to Dinner

‘I’ll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss. That’s right! We all know!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘You, sir, are a moron!’ — Blue-Haired Lawyer

‘Do you know why no one likes you?’ — Marge Simpson

‘Oh-ho-ho — the hair is standing up on the back of my knees.’ — Selma Bouvier

There’s Something About Marrying

‘Can’t wait till this is over!’ — Howell Huser

‘I don’t think we’ll be hearing from him again!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Have you read them all? Okay, good.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Well, I say this whole thing is against nature!’ — Abe Simpson

‘You handsome devil! Someday they’ll let you and me get married. Can you imagine the children?’ — Homer Simpson

‘At last, I have found the yin to my yin.’ — Patty Bouvier

They Saved Lisa’s Brain

‘You have robbed us of our dignity!’ — Carl Carlson

‘You, sir, have crossed the line.’ — Krusty the Clown

‘Only one person in a million would find that funny.’ — Lisa Simpson

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

‘Let’s just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.’ — Homer Simpson

‘What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right.’ — Woody Allen

‘Thank god — I couldn’t take another minute in this hellhole.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Thank you! You have fulfilled our dreams, and the dreams of our ancestors.’ — Japanese game show contestant

‘Somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame.’ — Homer Simpson

This Little Wiggy

‘Aw, yeah, the kid’s incredible. The special schools are all over him.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘He’s a real winner!’ — Marge Simpson

‘He’s just a misunderstood little boy who needs a friend.’ — Marge Simpson

‘He told me to burn things!’ — Ralph Wiggum

Three Gays of the Condo

‘Oh, I hate this! It’s making me use my arms!’ — Homer Simpson

‘What’s the deal with this place? It’s so manly… but scented!’ — Homer Simpson

‘I didn’t think it was possible, but watching him makes me feel more lesbian.’ — Lesbian

‘It would take a man of stone, with a funny bone of steel, to resist that.’ — Homer Simpson

‘If I was an eight year old straight boy, I would so be holding your hand right now.’ — Julio

Today I Am a Clown

‘He’s an irritable, walleyed, misfit bastard!’ — Groundskeeper Willie

‘Boooooy, that really passes the time.’ — Krusty the Clown

‘He’s at the peak of cuteness!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘What’s not to like?’ — Nelson Muntz

‘He’s a son, a lover, and a pundit rolled into one sexy package! Rrrrrrrrr!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Man! Are you unpleasant!’ — Krusty the Clown

‘My neck is sore from agreeing so much.’ — Construction Worker

Treehouse of Horror I

‘Personally, I don’t understand it.’ — Marge Simpson

‘It just seems too good to be true.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Good god — is this some kind of joke?’ — Kang

‘See what we mean when we say you’re too smart for your own good?’ — Marge Simpson

‘It’s pretty tame by today’s standards.’ — Bart Simpson

Treehouse of Horror IV

‘I’ll see you in hell yet!’ — The Devil

‘Your wide behind won’t save you this time!’ — The Devil

‘Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas.’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘You’re deceptive.’ — Ralph Wiggum

‘Perhaps spending the rest of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

Treehouse of Horror V

‘You stay here until you’re no longer insane.’ — Marge Simpson

‘Oh, well thank god that’s over. I was worried there for a second.’ — Chief Clancy Wiggum

‘Quiet, you.’ — Mr. Peabody

‘It’s a powder keg waiting to go off in an explosion of unacceptable behavior.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

‘Easy there, young man. You’ll only make yourself tired and stringy.’ — Principal Seymour Skinner

Treehouse of Horror IX

‘Wow! If your fly weren’t open, you’d look just like Roger Moore!’ — Marge Simpson

‘Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong?’ — Bart Simpson

Treehouse of Horror XI

‘Oh, God, no! Let me out! I couldn’t be in more pain!’ — Witch

Treehouse of Horror XIII

‘What is this, open mic night?’ — Moe Szyslak

‘Now, he may try to slobber on your crotch.’ — Dr. Julius Hibbert

‘Something very creepy is going on here.’ — Marge Simpson

‘You’re actually quite gentle when you want to be.’ — Ned Flanders

Treehouse of Horror XIV

‘If I knew this would take so long, I’d have put on the TV.’ — Moe Szyslak

‘He performs a valuable service, but is often misunderstood — like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot.’ — Lisa Simpson

‘You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.’ — Agnes Skinner

‘Have you stopped to think about who you’re hurting with this rampage?’ — Lisa Simpson

‘He’s right! It all checks out!’ — Lisa Simpson

‘This is more violent than the Hip Hop Awards!’ — Marge Simpson

Treehouse of Horror XV

‘I’ll never go back. Starting tomorrow.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Oh you stupid son of a–!’ — Ned Flanders

‘You should listen to him. He’s a man of science, and you can barely read.’ — Lisa Simpson

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

‘He’s wild, destructive, and has little or no respect for authority!’ — Marge Simpson

‘So that’s what’s been wrong with the little fella — he misses casual sex.’ — Homer Simpson

‘I’m going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.’ — Marge Simpson

‘See you in hell! From heaven.’ — Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

‘There’s something about his face I don’t trust.’ — Marge Simpson

Viva Ned Flanders

‘Don’t get clever, old man!’ — Busty carjacker

‘Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?’ — Ned Flanders

‘This all looks so garish!’ — Ned Flanders

‘It’s all designed to inflame the senses! I’m overstimulated!’ — Ned Flanders

‘When I want to laugh, I’ll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.’ — Ned Flanders

Wandering Juvie

‘That’s what I call chutzpah!’ — Milhouse Van Houten

‘The record of your mischief is staggering.’ — Judge Harm

‘I hate this place! It’s nothing like the brochure!’ — Bart Simpson

‘Who is this nerd?’ — Gina Vendetti

We’re on the Road to D’Ohwhere

‘You’re usually so stingy and ratlike.’ — Carl Carlson

‘If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d clean up your act.’ — Homer Simpson

‘My dad had a long talk with me about this, but you can’t believe it till you see it.’ — Bart Simpson

‘This experience has taught me just how precious you are.’ — Homer Simpson

‘Hey, I enjoy you plenty.’ — Homer Simpson

‘If you have to explain it, it’s not good, chief.’ — Officer Lou

‘I’ve learned so much in my three hours here.’ — Bart Simpson

When You Dish Upon a Star

‘Quit calling everyone suckers!’ — Marge Simpson

‘My god, what I’d give to meet him!’ — Lenny Leonard

‘I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory. Reflected glory!’ — Homer Simpson

‘He always has the most interesting odors.’ — Kim Basinger

Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken

‘There you have it. Woo.’ — Kent Brockman

‘Man… I never liked Shakespeare till now.’ — Nelson Muntz

‘Great! This is all gold!’ — Lisa Simpson

You Kent Always Say What You Want

‘You watch your mouth, you little smartass.’ — Homer Simpson

‘This is a nightmare!’ — Patty Bouvier

‘It’s over? Heh heh — that wasn’t so bad.’ — Homer Simpson

‘All right, let’s just get through this.’ — Kent Brockman

‘Spare me your slang, pusher man!’ — Lindsey Naegle

‘You’ll have to excuse him. He’s been watching a lot of Fox News.’ — Marge Simpson

You Only Move Twice

‘Having a place like this has always been my dream.’ — Hank Scorpio

‘You’re totally mad.’ — James Bond

”I wouldn’t point fingers, you jerk.’ — Hank Scorpio

‘I don’t expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral.’ — Hank Scorpio

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Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

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Selected Clips:
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  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

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Selected Things:
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  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

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Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

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