Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Smartass 101: A Study in Snark

People often ask me: ‘How can I become a smartass like you?

Not in so many words, of course. Often they ask: ‘Why the hell are you such a smartass?

Or: ‘You think you’re so cool, don’t you?

Or even: ‘You know the restraining order says one hundred feet! Would you get out of my panties drawer?!

But the intention is clear — they want to be a smartass, just like me. And in the interest of sneering petty snarkophiles everywhere, I’m going to tell you how.

Being a smartass is very simple; there are only two rules you need to follow.

1. Tell people what they most want to hear, with a straight face.
2. Then tell them the truth.

(The South Park fan inside me wants very much to add: ‘3. Profit!‘. To which I say:

‘What the hell is this South Park fan doing inside me? You know the restraining order says one hundred feet!!’

That’s a ‘callback’, folks. It’s one of those comedical techniques you read about in the books. No extra charge for that.

This time.)

Those two simple rules are all you need, really. With a bit of practice and some loving encouragement, even a child could become a serviceable smartass .Hell, a monkey could do it. Maybe even a telemarketer — though Darwinism dictates that we really shouldn’t interact with their kind in any way that doesn’t involve heavy blunt objects. And possibly a taser.

The key thing to remember about being a smartass is the turning point between ‘sugary sweet’ and ‘brutally honest’. It’s crucial to be polite and helpful, right up until the key word comes out of the victim’s mouth: ‘Really?‘ Then, all bets are off.

Let’s see the rules in action, shall we? We’ll need a patsy for this — a clueless sort, naive and oblivious to the gathering stromclouds. So I’ll make up a rube, our smartass foil du jour — we’ll call her ‘Jilly’.

Now, imagine Jilly out there trying on pants somewhere. Possibly in a mall. You, the budding smartass, have somehow been roped into tagging along. You’d much rather be doing something else. Maybe there’s football on TV, or garbage to take out, or fresh poodle plop to rub in your hair while you sing ‘I’m a Little Teapot‘. Basically, anything to get away from yammering Jilly and her shopping-spree shenanigans. So, when she emerges from the dressing room with a pair of capris stretched around her frame, straining and groaning at the seams, you could play it thusly:

Jilly: Do these pants make my butt look big?

Smartass: No, not at all. Really, they’re quite fetching on you.

Jilly: Really?

Smartass: No, not really. They’re squishing your enormous ass like an oversized pressed ham. Maybe if you’d tuck the bottom of your cheeks into your socks, that would be better.

See how easy? And after that exchange, you’ll never have to suffer through another trip to the mall ever again. Trust me.*

(* Technique not recommended for use on wives, steady girlfriends, women who carry mace, ladies with canes, ‘foxy boxers’, or large black women prone to saying ‘Oh no you di’n’t!!!’.)

So, that was an easy one. Let’s try another.

Say you’re over at Jilly’s house, helping her out. She’s not the wiggliest dildo on the nightstand, remember, so you’re trying to do your civic duty and assist the less clueful in the neighborhood. Maybe you’re there, opening her mail — because otherwise, she might stab herself in the eye with the letter opener, or lose her virginity to one of those AOL CDs they’re always sending around. In this scenario, she might see you opening a ‘Publisher’s Clearing House‘ letter, and say:

Jilly: Ooh! Ooh! It says I may have won! I may have won! Did I win? I bet I did.

Smartass: Why… yes! Look at this — you won! It says right here, eleven million dollars!

Jilly: Wow! Really?

Smartass: No. You didn’t win, and you never will. And if you do, they won’t give you any money. Ed McMahon will come to your house, pee in your orange juice, and leave. You’re a moron. Now put down that AOL CD, and for crissakes, put some pants on.

See, that’s public service, there. Making idiots more realistic about the poor, sad, lonely, peed-in-breakfast-drink kind of life they’re likely to lead. Being a smartass is not only loads of fun, it’s also good for society. We’re, like, doctors or therapists or strippers or something.

And you don’t have to wait for an opening to be a smartass. Oh, no. You can pull smartassery out of thin air, in most any situation. Say, for instance, that our friendly rube Jilly can’t find her cat. She’s lost it, or eaten it, or squished it under those capri tents she’s wearing — who knows? But you’ve been recruited to help find the finicky feline; what better time to practice your smartass lessons? To wit:

Smartass: Oh… hey! I think I found it! I found your cat!

Jilly: Omigawd! I thought I’d never see Mr. Fluffers again! Really?

Smartass: No. Not really. Your cat’s probably in somebody’s moo goo gai pan by now. Hah!

Mean? Yes, I suppose. But really, should the morons of the world be trusted with pet ownership in the first place? I think not. That’s how yappy lap terrier rats and crazy cat ladies get started. Why not nip the nonsense in the bud, with a well-aimed verbal jab or two?

I hope these lessons have helped you see that just about anyone can be a smartass. Why, with a little hard work and practice, even the nicest and most unassuming among us can make a contribution, and become a smartass. Hey, maybe even you!

(Did you just say, ‘Even me? REALLY?

Sheesh.)

Permalink  |  19 Comments



19 Responses to “Smartass 101: A Study in Snark”

  1. RRaccoon says:

    I wish to suckle at your teat of smartassery. That was awesome.

    (Go ahead, say it. “Really?”)

  2. The Red says:

    Really? TEAT of smartassery? Wow!

    Really?

  3. jenny says:

    i always say, ‘always better to be a smartass than a dumbass’

    really.

  4. pib says:

    what if u r a smart ass dumb ass…….

  5. trevor says:

    what if the person doesn’t say “really”? what if they just go with it?

  6. meanguy says:

    then youll just have to stick to being a dumbass bro.

  7. Dark says:

    You have to be born a smartass!

  8. jacob says:

    hi im jacob im 12 and a natural smartass on field day i went up to a prep because we were in fight i said “the only place where you were invited was outside you little bitch” which made her cry banning me from field day

  9. bonnie says:

    lol im 12 too and that was perfect but it wouldnt have made me cry

  10. jacaab says:

    How to be a smart ass in class,to the teachers or students

  11. jacaab says:

    How to be a smart ass to school kids at school ?

  12. Kevin says:

    That wasn’t smartassism that was just plain sarcasm! This is smartassism:-

    Imagine a betting pool on what people would find on a hunting trip. The idiot says a lion (None in the region), the tough guy says a bear, the cautious says a rabbit, the smartass says trees.

  13. Jamal says:

    A good smartass would have said “air”.

  14. DovaKhiin says:

    I used to be a smartass but 3 years later I am now a DUMBASS….

  15. Jilly says:

    I don’t get it… First you say one thing, then something else? This is so confusing. P.S. Mr. Fluffers came home!

  16. Keysha says:

    OMG!!!! ALL OF THIS WAS JUST HILARIOUS!!! OVER HERE CRYING WITH LAUGHTER!!!!

  17. KEYSHA LONG says:

    AND YEAH YOU’RE RIGHT YOU HAVE TO BE BORN A SMARTASS

  18. doug says:

    this is not really being a smart ass here is an example of me one day in history class. *all students at window looking at snow* supply teacher walks in* supply teacher:Every one get to your seats right now!

    *every one goes to their seats i sitting next to the window am kneeling on my chair still looking out.*

    Teacher:I said go to your seat!

    Me: But sir i sit here.

    Teacher: you don’t sit there any more move seats.

    *i stand up move over one desk and sit back down*

    Teacher: move again

    *we repeat this around five times till he is happy*

    Teacher: Now go tuck in your chair *pointing at original seat*

    Me: But sir… thats not my seat.

    Teacher: come with me now…

    *class starts to clap as he leads me into the hall way*

    Teacher: do you think your funny?

    Me: not really sir but they clearly did…

    trick is keeping straight face

  19. shotgun says:

    does roy know??

    101

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved