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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Wowsy-Wowsy Woo-Woo Web

Hi there.

I apologize if you happened to try accessing the site earlier today and were shut out — there were a few hours of what we in the infocomputerary business call ‘unscheduled downtime’.

(Basically, that means some bit of hardware or other choked on something it shouldn’t have, and spent a while spinning its gears in protest. Usually, it’s porn. But then again — on the internet, what isn’t porn, eh?)

Anyway, it’s simply more fodder for my latest paranoid conspiracy theory — I’ve decided the web hates me.

“Get maced by hott single girlz in your area!”

It would explain a lot, certainly. The mysterious outages, the browser glitches, why I can never — no matter how hard I try — shoot that stupid iPod monkey in the ad. I don’t even want the damned iPod, or whatever sort of snake oil pyramid scheme they’re shilling. I just want that punk-ass grinning simian dead. Honestly, what is he, some sort of fricking chimp ninja? Here’s a banana — NOW HOLD FREAKING STILL, DAMN YOU!

Even my spam has gotten worse lately. Not more frequent, or higher volume, just… snarkier. Seems even the spambots don’t want to sell me shit any more. Check out some of the message subjects I’ve received recently:

‘Refinance Now!! Bad Credit? BIG PROBLEM!

‘Meet hott single girlz in your area! Get maced by hott single girlz in your area! Call now!’

‘Need OEM? You’re an Overweight Eggsucking Moron. There’s your ‘OEM’, sucka.’

‘Online ph@rmacy! We sell m3ds cheap… but not to you.’

‘Widow of wealthy Nigerian bank official wants no assistance from you whatsoever.’

‘Want a bigger penis? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Loser.’


Anyway, it’s good to be back online again. Please feel free to resume your normal drivel-perusing activities. I’ll be in the server room with a crowbar, exacting my revenge. This machine is wily, all right — but it’s no iPod monkey, and I know where it lives. It’s go time.

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “The Wowsy-Wowsy Woo-Woo Web”

  1. Ricardo says:

    You want monkey death fun? Here you are.

    Monkey Cliff Diving

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Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
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Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
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Smartass 101
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Wheel of Misfortune
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  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

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  #35: My Spring Break
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