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Somebody’s Got ‘Kabuls’ of Steel

PROGRAM NOTE: For you Facebook fans, my latest Zolton piece is up over at ZuG.com — Zolton’s Facebook Follies: Confuse as Directed. Have a gander!

It’s been a long while since I posted anything about the search terms that bring eyeballs here to the site. I used to be fairly well fascinated by the weird and wacky things people would search for, and find me with. Now I guess I’ve seen most of them — and some many times over.

A few searches have remained (or become) popular gateways over the past few years. Google Alton Brown and… well, just about anything, really, and you’ll find my triple–tined homage to the Good Eats guru. People search for ‘writed‘ more than I’d have ever thought; ditto for ‘gorls‘. And ‘Stripperella naked‘, even now, occasionally tickles the logs.

(Seriously, who even remembers that show? And who wants to see a naked cartoon of a woman who’s been nude on camera more often than the Budweiser Clydesdales? I’ve been asking these questions for nine fricking years.

Also, what Google horror am I in for now, with ‘nude’, ‘camera’, ‘Budweiser’ and ‘Clydesdales’ all in the same sentence? Get thee behind me, Bronies.)

By far, though, the most popular search term routing people here is ‘smart ass‘. This is not especially a surprise, nor is it a burden. Frankly, I’m happy to be — according to Google’s magic algorithm, at least — one of the world’s foremost authorities on all things smart ass.

(And ‘smartass’. And ‘smart-ass’, too. Yep, I get ’em all.)

Mostly, the hubbub is for the Smartass 101 post I wrote a while back — though I like to imagine that there’s a fair trail of smartassed slime left on just about all of the materials around here. It ain’t sunshine and rainbow bunny farts, that’s for sure.

(Frankly, the tips from this old number from my first fortnight of foolish floundering would annoy the bejeesus out of someone before anything in the ‘101’ post. There’s smart ass everywhere, people. You’re soaking in it.)

So why the talk about searches, and ‘smart ass’ queries in particular? It’s because of one particular visitor I noticed a couple of days ago. Usually, the ‘smart ass’ searchers barely rate a blip; a few come and go every day, and I’m happy to impart whatever snarky sassmouth wisdom I can. It’s all part of the master plan, you see.

(They say “nobody likes a smart ass“. Well, just they wait until we’re all doing it, and then see how they like it. They can kiss my smart fat butt, is what they can do, all right.)

But this search was different. It gave me pause. It was — for the very first time — a search for smartassery that I thought was maybe not such a good idea. To wit, from my access log:

People, I’m all about the sassback. But I’m not doing it in fricking Kabul. And I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t recommend it. Not unless I was being a smart ass in recommending it — and I’d only do that from a very safe distance. Away from Kabul.

So, to whoever came looking for pointers earlier this week — watch your back, man. I don’t want to be responsible, however indirectly, for somebody backtalking the wrong rifle-toting hombre and getting much more than a dirty look for their insolence. Come to think of it, it might be best to refrain from smart ass practices in Texas, too. And some parts of Mexico. Or anywhere near Ted Nugent.

I’m not saying you have to stop. Or to cut down reading around here. For gods’ sakes, let’s not do anything drastic. Just be careful with your smartassing, is all I’m saying. Diplomatic. Cautious. Gentle. Any day you make it home, the better to sass tomorrow — that was a good day.

Either that, or start Googling ‘bulletproof full-body armor’. I’m telling you, if I could afford it, I’d come be a smart ass in Kabul with you.

(Wait. Did you just say, “Really?”

Sheesh.)