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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Confuse as Directed

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

I'm easily confused. This should be plainly clear to anyone who's ever met me, asked for directions or tried to teach me high school geometry.

(Sorry, Ms. Bilkerson; it was a losing battle. You might as well have been chalking out rhombuses for a potted begonia. "Rectilinear"? I barely even knew 'er.)

I thought I left my most mystified moments back in the classroom. But no. Even today, I find the simplest products can come with misleading marketing, disorienting directions and perplexing packaging. Nothing is what it seems to be, or works quite the way you'd want. It's like we bought the whole world from Ikea.

But when I have questions, I know Facebook has the answers. Read on to see me seek clarity -- with my actual Facebook posts -- from the makers of some of the most discombobulating products on the market. Here's hoping they grade on the curve.

All I wanted was a nice snack from the good folks at DiGiorno. But I procured my pizza in a somewhat... unconventional fashion. What were the implications? My pepperoni boggled:

I wouldn't say they addressed my question, exactly. But apparently I'm safe enough -- assuming I don't try cooking my pizza in the CERN supercollider.

You'd think cleaning your bathroom would be straightforward. Not if you're me. I have certain expectations of the Scrubbing Bubbles people:

I decided to settle down with a cool iced tea. Simple. Refreshing. Honest. Or... is it?:

All this discombobulation was making me sick. So I decided to feel better with a quick dose of NyQuil. But sick and tired as I was, was I sick and tired enough? "NyQuil Rose" wouldn't even bend me over to take my temperature:

So what did I learn from all this? Not a lot. I'm sick and hungry, I've sworn off tea, and my bathtub's full of soap scum and fail. Also, I still can't do math. I'm just glad old Ms. Bilkerson's not around to see this. She'd probably smack me with a parallelogram.

Last week, Zolton chug-a-lugged with V8, Odwalla, Trop50 and Silk. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!