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Open Letter to an Internet Porno Phreak with Artistic Talents

Because it's the right blog to do. And a tasty way to do it!

Dear sir or madam (but almost overwhelmingly assuredly sir, in this case),

Hello. You don't know me, but my name is Charlie. I recently started a blog. Or maybe it's a journal, or even an online diary; I don't know. Anyway, it's like a lot of these sorts of things, I suppose. I post entries from time to time, and occasionally people read it. And if they can manage to keep the first paragraph or two down, they might read some more. Pretty standard stuff, I suppose. Hey, I suppose if you're reading this, then you know a little bit about it, since I'm posting this letter to my site. So you can decide for yourself what it's all about. But that's not why I'm writing, exactly.

I'm writing to ask a favor of you.

See, I understand that you're a porno phreak. (Any non-porno phreaks are phree to read the rest of this -- hey, it might even be phunny -- but keep in mind that I'm not really talking to you. My intended audience is really the phucked-up nasty horndog I was addressing earlier. And if you happen to be that horndog, then I didn't really mean that last bit. Nothing personal. Keep reading, please, Mr. Monkeyspanker.)

"You're a mis-represention artist. A nipple-drawer. A dirty old pixel-jockey."

Anyway, you're into porn. Or pr0n, whatever the kids are calling it these days. No matter. And I gather that you're a bit of a whiz with Photoshop, or something similar. Perhaps you earn extra cash by 'touching up' stills of Britney Spears to 'expose' her goodies. Maybe you've 'transplanted' Julia Child's head onto a hot, oily naked bod for kicks.

(That's sick, by the way. Nobody wants to see that. People searching for 'Julia Child' and 'breast' are looking for chicken recipes, not the itchy willies you're gonna give 'em with pictures like that. But keep reading...)

You're a mis-represention artist. A nipple-drawer. A dirty old pixel-jockey. Fine. I don't care. What you do in your spare time to jangle your change is none of my concern.

(Okay, I'm a little concerned about the Julia Child thing, and I would have to draw the line at you morphing the Two Fat Ladies into the Barbi Twins somehow... but I'm going to assume even you aren't that sick. Plus, I'm desperate.)

I could still use that favor.

See, if you've looked around here at all, you'll see that there's a conspicuous lack of photos of 'gonzo racks'. Or 'sweet ass'. Or 'money shots' of any kind. In fact, there are no pictures here at all; it's a log, mainly, of the asanine shit that runs through my head and out my fingers onto the screen. And while I'll admit that the occasional gonzo rack might swerve in and out of the traffic buzzing in my cranium, it usually doesn't associate with anything that I'm actually writing down at the time. Usually. But all rules have exceptions, and that's where you come in.

You see, a few days ago I launched off on a tangent about Stripperella. As I'm sure you've, ahem, gushed over by now, that's Pamela Anderson's new cartoon series, in which she plays a stripper-by-night, superhero-by-later-at-night character with all the right, er, moves.

(As an aside, maybe it should be called Pam's new old cartoon, because if I'm hearing correctly, it's already been cancelled -- the six episodes that were already created may be aired, but then Stripperella's hanging up the pasties forever.)

Anyway, I didn't notice anything different around the old web site for a couple of days after the bit I wrote, but then it happened.

They started coming.

This is a new blog, you see -- less than two weeks old. Oh, I've told a couple of friends about it, but nobody much visits. At least, that was the case, before the entry with Stripperella got indexed by Google, et al. I first noticed on Friday -- by noon, more people had visited my humble site than on any day before. By the end of the day, I'd had as many hits as in the entire history -- about ten days' worth -- of the site. And why? It was all Stripperella. Well, to be fair, there were a couple of hits that appeared to genuinely belong to folks looking for my particular brand of insanity. And, if I were to be completely honest, just having the character's name here wouldn't have caused much of a stir, I suppose, if other posts hadn't coincidentally contained words like 'naked' and 'topless' and 'breast'. So I suppose I am partially to blame, after all. But still.

So here's the thing. I looked in my site's logs, and there have now been almost as many people finding my site by searching for 'Striperella' (4) or 'Striperella naked' (14) or 'Striperella topless' (2), etc. than those finding it by actually using a bookmark or hopping here from a more appropriate directory of some kind. And if you're paying particularly close attention, you'll notice in those search terms I listed that I actually even misspelled 'Stripperella' by accident. So you can imagine the waves of traffic I'd get if I ever actually typed it in correctly. Um, unwanted waves of traffic, of course. Of course. And God forbid that I would inadvertently place 'Stripperella' somewhere close to words like 'topless', 'naked', or 'breast'. Or in the same sentence, even. That would simply be tragic. Not to mention phrases like 'gonzo rack', 'sweet ass' or 'money shot'. It's just a good thing that I've never posted language like that in my blog, let me tell you!

So, to make a long story short, I'd like you to help me reduce all of this inappropriate, unwanted traffic.

(After all, what is there here that some sort of online perv would be interested in? This is a family blog, goddamn it, and I'd rather hump a camel than to have anything change that. Or maybe I just have this camel-humping thing. Not sure.)

What I'd like you to do is this -- grab a picture of the 'real' Stripperella. Off a web story, from a TV still, I don't care. Import that puppy into Photoshop or something -- whatever it is that you use -- and unleash those, ah, puppies, as it were. Strip Stripperella down, and leave not a single fleshy pixel of her animated body clothed. Retouch, morph, unblur, fill -- whatever. Ply your craft. Work your magic, baby.

And then, when you're done, post your anima-Pam creation in all of her unfettered glory. Plaster her on newsgroups and chat sites and search engines across the globe. Meta-tag the fuck out of that thing; make your porny piccy the top hit for 'Stripperella' and anything. Search for her and 'naked' -- it finds you. Her and 'breast' -- ditto. 'Toaster' -- bingo. 'Nuns' -- bam! You get the picture. Aim high -- knock Cindy Margolis and Danni Ashe off of their lofty perches. Shoot for the moon, baby. Be all that you can be. And in the process, siphon the porn monkeys away from here, and let us get back to our good, clean fun.

So, that's my request. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and I hope that you'll give my proposal some serious thought. You could be famous, you know -- 'The Man Who Stripped Stripperella'. It's beautiful; I'm teary right now. No, really. And in doing so, you'll return this site to its peaceful anonymity. Which is all I ever wanted, of course. There's nothing I hate more than a site engaging in shameless self-promotion of any kind, in some misguided attempt to draw in eyeballs. So just make sure that you use your site when you post announcements like:

Stripperella Completely Naked -- Topless, Bottomless, Completely Nude!

Because I wouldn't do that sort of thing around here. Never.

Thanking you in advance,
Charlie

P.S. This is a little embarrassing, but -- now that everyone else is gone, could I actually get that 'Naughty Julia's Secret Steamy Recipes' URL from you?

Comments

Posted by: Rae | January 21, 2004 3:20 PM

Posted by: Disillusioned | February 10, 2004 10:50 AM

Posted by: A-Dub | April 7, 2005 11:09 AM

Posted by: Jenna | May 24, 2006 3:25 PM