Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

You may be surprised to learn that, like most folks who aren’t Communists or Kardashians, Zolton has a day job. And you may be further shocked to discover that, despite my confident air of handsome invincibility, I’m actually not considered a “model employee.”

(I know, right? It’s like finding out Superman had those six-pack ab implants, or under all those robes, Lady Liberty is actually some shaved Armenian guy named Bebo. Brace yourselves.)

As a matter of fact, my boss is always on my case — and he keeps harping on the same sour note. Every time I turn around, he’s telling me to be “more professional.” More? I frankly didn’t see his point. I show up at the office, at least three days a week. I cry under my desk for the allotted eight hours, if you round up a little, and I even wear pants on some days that start with the letter “T.” What could be more professional than that? I had no idea.

So I consulted my old business buddy Amazon.com. And I managed — though it wasn’t easy! — to find even more ways to showcase my immaculate professionalism around the office. Read on for my actual Amazon product reviews of the latest and greatest ways to become — or at least vaguely resemble — the consummate professional. If this doesn’t make my boss happy, I don’t know what will.

J.I.P. Photo Print Bib, Tie

My Amazon Review:

They say to be a true professional, you need to look the part. I’ve never been much on neckties — all that neckular constriction reminds me of the throttlings of my youth. And my college days. Also, during my marriage.

But when I DO get dolled up in a tie — look out, ladies! Try not to melt in a puddle all at once, eh?

But this tie is different. It’s actually a bib. So I wear it proudly to the office every day, like the rest of the suited weasels around. It comes in especially handy on Spaghetti Day in the company cafeteria, or in a splattery juice box emergency. I’m a big boy now!

The Etiquette Advantage: Rules for the Business Professional

My Amazon Review:

I saw this book and thought, “Finally — someone took the ‘unwritten rules’ of business and wrote the stupid things down already. That’s the most useful thing ever.” But no.

Turns out this book, as per the description, “teaches corporate Christians how to behave commendably” — which doesn’t help me at all. I thought it would tell me how to kiss boss butt and how to power-carry a briefcase. I’m not interested in “doing business unto others” or praying for a raise. And who reads this book, anyway — how many nuns and bishops do you see at power lunches and corporate mergers? None, is how many. Where’s the “etiquette for unwashed heathens” section?

Wallmonkeys Wall Decal – “Serious Business”

My Amazon Review:

A little motivation never hurt. So I bought this poster of two guys doing “SERIOUS BUSINESS.” I thought it would help put me in a more professional mood.

But no. I’ve been staring at the thing for a week now, and all it’s done so far is give me an urge to listen to Tears for Fears. I don’t know what sort of “BUSINESS” these guys are engaged in, but I’m pretty sure it ends with a “shout, shout, let it all out.”

Try and tell me I’m wrong. It’s like all four of these guys were separated at birth.

On the other hand — nice ties. So they’re doing something right, I guess.

The Professional [Blu-ray]

My Amazon Review:

I finally decided the best way to BE professional was to LEARN from a professional. Or rather, THE Professional. So I bought this disc, hoping for some pointers on how to get along in the corporate world.

I learned three things. Never short a DEA agent if you’re asked to hold a stash. Never make fun of an Italian wearing John Lennon glasses. And never open a bank account with Danny Aiello.

I don’t know if that makes me more “professional,” exactly. But if I ever need my boss rubbed out, at least I know who to look for.

Speaking of “separated at birth,” check this out. Natalie Portman wouldn’t know which of us to pour milk for and make all squeamish.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved