I have a decision to make. The deadline is tomorrow morning, around nine o’clock. And I have no idea which way I’m gonna go yet. Maybe you can help me.
See, three days a week I drive my dog to her ‘school’ on the way to work. It’s a place that does training, and lets dogs socialize, and keeps them exercised and all of that.
(Yes, I know. It’s ‘doggie day care’. You think I don’t feel the shame? That I don’t know how frigging ridiculous that sounds? That I don’t see the smirks when I tell people? And worst of all, that the dog — the damned dog — is more pampered than I am? Oh, I know. I most certainly know.
But what the hell can I do? She’s already been there for three years or so. I can’t very well unenroll her. I’m not going to pull her out of classes, now that she’s settled into a routine. The best I can hope for is that she gets herself expelled for not studying, or talking in class, or getting caught doing drugs. It’s a longshot at best, I realize.
Still, it’s all I’ve got. That’s why I’ve started grinding marijuana leaves into her food every morning. So far, the folks at the kennel haven’t noticed. And the dog has been eating all the chips and Twinkies in the house. Damn. Maybe I need a new plan.)
Anyway, I take her over there three days a week. And the guy that runs the place always says hello, and chats for a while. He’s usually pretty cool. Until recently, that is. Lately, things have changed. It’s different now. Tense. Edgy. Different.
Here’s the problem: since the World Series started, this guy’s become a Yankee backer. Now, he never talked about baseball before. I remember him even saying once that he doesn’t like baseball. But ever since the damned Yankees manhandled the hometown Red Sox to advance to the big dance, this guy’s been acting like he’s from the Bronx. Maybe he’s just been yanking my chain. Or maybe he’s hopped on the bandwagon. Maybe he’s channeling that big fatassed Babe Ruth. I don’t know. And frankly, I don’t care. It’s payback time.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a big Marlins fan. And that’s why I didn’t say anything up till now. I just took my medicine, and sucked up the ‘How ’bout those Yankees?‘ and ‘Did you see New York kick ass last night?‘. Well, that would be fine from a guy who’s been a Yankhole for years and years. You’ll never convince me that George Steinbrenner’s not the Antichrist, but I could at least respect a fan with some consistency. A little bit of loyalty. But this ‘fair-weather’ shit? Nuh-uh. That shit don’t fly, people.
And so, when I see this guy tomorrow, I’m simply gonna have to say something. The Marlins shut the Yankees down — in their own house, no less — and he’s going to hear about it. Oh, yes. The question is: what angle should I take? Below are just a few of the many options. And so I ask you — what kind of asshole should I be? I’m like a kid in a candy store here — I simply can’t bring myself to choose.
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Hothead Homer‘:
‘You know… the Red Sox would have never gotten beaten by the Marlins. The Yankees suck!‘
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Bandwagon Bitch‘:
‘Wow, those Marlins sure played with a lot of spunk, didn’t they? They really came together as a team.‘
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Aw Shucks Shithead‘:
‘Man, can you believe that the Marlins pulled that off? And in Yankee Stadium, too. I would have never dreamed it!‘
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Know-It-All Numbnuts‘:
‘Well, of course the Yankees lost. They weren’t able to hit right-handed pitching in night games when the temperature is under sixty degrees all year. What the hell did you expect?‘
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Underdog Backer‘:
‘Dude, the Yankees have enough World Series rings, anyway. Somebody else should win now.‘
Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Button-Punching Prick:
‘Wow, you’d think with all that money, the Yankees could win the big one. What a bunch of chokers.‘
Okay, that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. Given all the assholes I’ve dealt with, I’m sure I’m missing many, many other kinds. But for now, I’ll go with these. Now I just need to decide which one to unleash on the guy. Man, it’s hard to choose. But damn, is this going to be fun! Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!Permalink | 7 Comments