Look, I’m a nice guy. I don’t want to sound mean or anything. But I just can’t stand it any longer — I have to ask:
Am I the only one who thinks Rachel Ray has the physically biggest mouth on the entire planet?
Seriously, I want to like her. I’d like nothing more than to check out her FHM spread, and say to myself, ‘Damn! Now that’s a honey! She can braise my lamb shanks any day!‘ Really, nothing would give me greater pleasure.
(Well, okay, obviously that’s not true. I would probably gain far greater pleasure from being able to say all of that, and then wandering into the kitchen to find our young friend Rachel doing this.
Um, ahem… you know, from a purely academic, sociological standpoint, that would be fun. Purely from the ‘Hey, look, a celeb in my kitchen… and by the way, is that hot fudge?‘ sort of sense. I imagine we’d sit down over tea and discuss the carbohydrate content of various legumes, or something.
Eventually, I might even ask whether she wanted to put her shirt back on. No, really. With a very broad definition of ‘eventually’, it could happen. Seriously.)
‘Holy pixelated nipples, Batman! It’s ‘Bride of Joker’! Quick, get the BatFloss!‘
Really, she seems very nice, and she knows a lot about food, but when I see one of her shows, I’m honestly afraid she’s gonna accidentally inhale a friggin’ salad bowl or something. I’m convinced that she is the only person in the world who can lick her own ears.
(And while that’s actually sort of hot, now that I come to think of it, it’s also highly disturbing, in a very Exorcist, forked-tongued snaky sort of way.
Damn, ‘forked-tongued snaky‘… yep, it’s hot again. I just go back and forth on this one.
Still, even if she can get her tongue over that far, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t give her lobes a lickin’ very often. Everybody knows that ear wax is just empty calories. And our friend Rachel is food-smarter than that.)
Anyway, that’s what my brain has been chewing on (What, a pun? The hell you say!) this afternoon. Thoughts? Comments? More pictures of Rachel and hot fudge, perhaps?
(Hey, I said I thought her mouth was kinda big. I’m still a man, dammit. What the hell do you expect?)Permalink | 6 Comments