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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Her Meals Take 30 Minutes to Make… But She Can Eat ‘Em in 30 Seconds!

Look, I’m a nice guy. I don’t want to sound mean or anything. But I just can’t stand it any longer — I have to ask:

Am I the only one who thinks Rachel Ray has the physically biggest mouth on the entire planet?

Seriously, I want to like her. I’d like nothing more than to check out her FHM spread, and say to myself, ‘Damn! Now that’s a honey! She can braise my lamb shanks any day!‘ Really, nothing would give me greater pleasure.

(Well, okay, obviously that’s not true. I would probably gain far greater pleasure from being able to say all of that, and then wandering into the kitchen to find our young friend Rachel doing this.

Um, ahem… you know, from a purely academic, sociological standpoint, that would be fun. Purely from the ‘Hey, look, a celeb in my kitchen… and by the way, is that hot fudge?‘ sort of sense. I imagine we’d sit down over tea and discuss the carbohydrate content of various legumes, or something.

Eventually, I might even ask whether she wanted to put her shirt back on. No, really. With a very broad definition of ‘eventually’, it could happen. Seriously.)

Anyway, that’s the sort of thing I’d like to think. And her mouth isn’t open very far in the fudge-licking picture, so it’s just about possible. But then I see her smiling, and all I can think is:

Holy pixelated nipples, Batman! It’s ‘Bride of Joker’! Quick, get the BatFloss!

Really, she seems very nice, and she knows a lot about food, but when I see one of her shows, I’m honestly afraid she’s gonna accidentally inhale a friggin’ salad bowl or something. I’m convinced that she is the only person in the world who can lick her own ears.

(And while that’s actually sort of hot, now that I come to think of it, it’s also highly disturbing, in a very Exorcist, forked-tongued snaky sort of way.

Damn, ‘forked-tongued snaky‘… yep, it’s hot again. I just go back and forth on this one.

Still, even if she can get her tongue over that far, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t give her lobes a lickin’ very often. Everybody knows that ear wax is just empty calories. And our friend Rachel is food-smarter than that.)

Anyway, that’s what my brain has been chewing on (What, a pun? The hell you say!) this afternoon. Thoughts? Comments? More pictures of Rachel and hot fudge, perhaps?

(Hey, I said I thought her mouth was kinda big. I’m still a man, dammit. What the hell do you expect?)

Permalink  |  6 Comments



6 Responses to “Her Meals Take 30 Minutes to Make… But She Can Eat ‘Em in 30 Seconds!”

  1. Frac says:

    Nope, not Rachel Ray. There is a former sitcom actress (using term ‘actress’ loosely) that’s now doing an “Ultimate Chopper” infomercial. She has a truly freakishly large mouth. I bet she could unhinge her jaw and swallow a goat.

    Sorry. Can’t remember her name, or the sitcom.

  2. Kaylee says:

    ‘Holy pixelated nipples, Batman! It’s ‘Bride of Joker’! Quick, get the BatFloss!’ Lol There ya go again.

    Wth is that on her chin anyway? Ick.

    Julia Roberts has that same thing going.

  3. Frac says:

    Oh! Oh! I’ve got a good one now! Say that thing about her having a really big mouth again. Yeah… and to that I reply, um, uh…

    “Yeah. It’s not great, but *all* my girlfriends *have* to have really *big* mouths!”

    Ha… haha… hahaha. Ugh. Guess you had to be there.

  4. nv says:

    I just read Men’s Health and she got a mention there, too. She must be the new hot thing. I’ll tell you what-I watch her show religiously (well, ok, if it’s on and I’m paying attention) and she rocks the kitchen. She is the slightest bit cartooney though….

  5. picklejuice says:

    None of these direct links worked properly for me, so I had to go to the fhmus.com website and try to find them all by myself, with no one to guide me.

    That was four hours ago. I’m sure I’ll be able to hunt her down by the time morning breaks tomorrow, but if I’m not back by then send a rescue team for me. Cuz you know I’m all about the hot honies.

    Is that how you spell “honies”? Looks weird to me, like it should be pronounced HO-nees. Ho knees. Honeys. Yeah, let’s just go with that one instead.

  6. Charlie says:

    Yeeks, pj!

    Is everybody having trouble with the piccys? I can still get them from here (though I’m afraid to click on the one, of course… she might be able to suck me in right through the monitor screen!)

    Anyway, here’s the ‘Ra-Ray’ index page on FHM, if anyone besides ‘da pickle’ is having tecnical difficulties:

    http://www.fhmus.com/girls/covergirls/241/ />

    Oh, and p’juice (by the way, can I keep abbreviating your name until I’ve exhausted all the combinations… pleeeeease?), I would spell it ‘honeys’ myself. But frankly, I’m much more interested in those ‘ho knees’ you mentioned. Can we get back to those again?

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