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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

King Me, Baby!

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve thrown my hat into the ring for the latest King of the Blogs competition, hoping to turn said hat into a crown, scepter, and lots and lots of dancing girls. (I mean, ‘loyal subjects‘ Subjects. What did I say, anyway?)

So, this week’s ‘Challenge Question’ is:

Why do you deserve the King (or Queen) of the Blogs title, and why don’t your adversaries?

Well, let’s jump right in with both feet, and any other appendages that we think might be helpful. Shall we?

First, I think you have to ask yourself this question: If you were living in a monarchy yourself, then what kind of a king would you want?

Seriously, we’re talking about the king of all the blogs here. As bloggers and blog readers yourselves, you have a duty — nay, a responsibility — nay, nay, really just a passing interest, come to think of it — to consider this question. And while you’re chewing on that, I’ll tell you what I think about the whole thing. (‘Cause that’s my job around here.)

Personally, I think I’d want in a king what women nearly universally say they want in a man — a sense of humor.

(Yeah, yeah, I know they’re just saying that. Work with me here, dammit!)

But think about it — do you really want one of those sourpuss despots running around, burning villages and whisking away dissidents? Nah — that shit gets old really fast. Or how about a boring, efficient ruler — all tax decrees and proclamations, but no court jesters? Bo-ring. And don’t even get me started on those ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ types, spending cash for all the fun stuff — including the dancing girls, dammit! — but keeping it all for themselves. I say, if you can’t bring enough for the whole class, leave that shit at home, Your Highness. Nobody likes a damned hoarder.

Anyway, that’s my two cents on what kind of a king the blogosphere should have. And frankly, if you peruse the other candidates this week — and I definitely encourage you to do so — I’m afraid that you won’t find much of the humor (or ‘humour‘, for our out-of-town friends) and compassion and sharing (it’s okay — I’m disease-free!) that I would bring to the kingly table. Really, check them out — there’s a lot of politics, and religion, and media commentary, and… um, ‘lawyeriness‘; but where’s the fun, man? Those people can’t love you like I do, folks — there’s just no contest. No, verily. Look for yourselves. I royal-steed-shit you not.

Don’t get me wrong, of course. I’m sure that all of the other contestants are nice folks. They probably call their mothers regularly, and help old ladies across the street, and I’m sure they’re all really funny, if you just got to know them.

(Well, okay, all except this guy. And while I hate to pop an aside in here to deal with this cluetard, I really think it’ll be a lot of fun. His KotB post is a series of rambling rants — a veritable Volkswagenful of vitriol — about why ‘everybody sucks but me’. He seems to be quite the ‘angry young man’; he even refused to link to the other entries. Oooooh. *yawn*

I skimmed a couple of paragraphs at the top before getting bored, so I scrolled down to see how he felt about this site. And oh, I was ever so disappointed that he wasn’t happy with his user experience. A few points he made, for your entertainment:

  • Boy is this a piece of work. Please forgive me if I loose it here…‘ — well, lessee, champ — missing a comma and a misspelling in your first fifteen words. And here I thought you were blogging for Bush, not blogging like Bush. Please, do go on.
  • My biggest gripe about your ” pretender” website is simple- it lacks purpose.‘ — don’t you lie to the nice people, there, skippy. I plainly state that the purpose of this site is to make people laugh. How simple can it be?
  • Look, no one cares about your damn pathetic life or trivial problems.‘ — dude, check your hit counts before you spout nonsense like that. I own your ass. Please.
  • *blah blah* if it ain’t political, I don’t understands it… *blah blah* something about Blogger… *blah blah* more misspelled words…‘ — you know, I gotta be honest; I really didn’t read through the rest of it, and I’m bored with this bit already. Picking on other people gets old to me pretty damned fast. I really don’t see how someone makes a whole blog out of it. Tsk.

Sorry about all that, folks. But it seemed like fun before it just got sad and cranky. Sort of how I imagine sex with Paris Hilton would be, but that’s beside the point. But I did get my bile out for — I dunno, the month, maybe — and there’s nothing in the contest rules that says we can’t respond to another contestant’s douchebag post, so there it is. And now I need a shower. Ick.

Enough of that, I say! Make with the merriment again! *clap clap* See? I’ve got this kingly shit down-pat already. Hail, me!)

Anyway, back to my point — I alone am the man who can assume the kingship of the blogs, and make it fun. And happy subjects are loyal subjects, my friends. (Just like happy dancing girls are loyal dancing girls — always with the dancing girls around here…) Would any of the other contenders decree a ‘Everybody Change Your Passwords to ‘Foo’ for a Day‘ free-for-all? Clearly, no. How about the ‘Party at Wil Wheaton’s House, Whether He Knows It or Not‘ proclamation? I doubt it. And the ‘Blog While Covered in Chocolate Syrup Day‘? Look, they’d just never think of it, that’s all. It’s not their fault, really.

So that’s why I, above the others, deserve — nay, command — oops, nay again, want — the title of King of the Blogs. We’ve had enough despots and tyrants, folks — it’s time to put the ‘Oy!‘ back in royalty. Now who’s up for some chocolate syrup?

Permalink  |  19 Comments



19 Responses to “King Me, Baby!”

  1. Joe says:

    Bravo! Bravo!

    Hail to the King!!!

    (I’m having flashbacks of a Bugs Bunny/Robin Hood-themed cartoon here…ARISE…Sir Loin of Beef!)

  2. GrumpyBunny says:

    Hail to the King of Hilarity and Long-Winded Anecdotes!

  3. P says:

    we get to vote for our king? i thought kings were chosen by a watery tart, handing out swords — not a mandate from the masses. (if i may paraphrase monty python. and badly too, i might add)

    but hell, if it means dancing girls — i’ll vote for you!

  4. Charlie says:

    Well, thanks, guys!

    And Pete, I appreciate your vote, old woman.

    I mean, ‘old man’. What? Oh, sorry.

    Well, I can’t just call you ‘man‘.

    Well, I didn’t know you were called Dennis. Or Pete, or… look, never mind!

  5. shelley says:

    I can help you with that “Oy!” thing if you’ll vote me Queen of the Jus.

  6. zoot says:

    Wow. If that guy’s trying to win votes, he’s going about it completely wrong. Someone should hose him down with that pink slime from Ghostbusters.

  7. Frac says:

    Talking about blog names and mention of Wil’s site… get this:

    Every time my site shows up on fresh.blogger.com (the recent updates site for blogger), my site always has the title “Dancing Barefoot by Wil Wheaton”. The link is correct though. Of course, my site has never been titled anything like that.

    Not that I mind the few extra hits it probably generates.

  8. If the King chooses to appear among us, and not just as his likeness in a mudpuddle, who are we peons to argue?

    The King almost moves in semi-mysterious ways and means.

    All we mortals can do is dissect some entrails. Well, maybe not real entrails, as that’s sort of disgusting, but pretend entrails.

    That’ll work!

  9. Andy says:

    Well Charlie, I hope things work out for you. Those guys don’t seem to take humor very well over there.

    Oh, and that Dan fella needs some prozac. Badly.

  10. Andy says:

    Oops, had the wrong homepage with that address

  11. Monkey says:

    Oh Charlie. Sledging the other contestants in order to gain favour and supporters? It’s cheap, reprehensible, and it turns me on. Even if you don’t make king, you’ll always be my daddy.

  12. Jenn says:

    Hail to the king. But you know, with all those dancing girl, I really think a GOOD king would provide a few dancing men…now wait, that is rarely a good thing. How about men who will clean our house? Oh hell yeah, that would so make you the bestest king EVER!

  13. Erin says:

    I have to agree with Jenn about adding a few dancing men, but on the whole, if I was a watery tart handing out swords (and who’s to say I’m not?)you’d definitely get one. You da’ King, Charlie!

  14. Marty says:

    A nice rejoinder, well done.

    PS: I have a collection of over 200 animated gif’s of “dancing girls” if you want em…

  15. HR Lady says:

    As King, do you have any control over this nipple-petrifying cold? I live in FLORIDA, for balmy winter’s sake!!! It is currently a tootsie-freezin’ 23 degrees here. What’s this all about?!?!?! And if you want my vote, dancin’ girls won’t due -A dancing Antonio Banderas would be great though!!! As a King of great humor, will you be sending out your decrees littered with lengthy parenthetical phrases and ambiguous allusions to sexual acts/parts/fluids (you pick)? This would be far preferable to Bush’s particular brand of BS during the state of the union address. Hey -there’s an idea, who needs the (Shack) On the Hill Tavern when there’s the awesome forum of the State of the Union Address?!?!? Screw King of the Blogs!!! How about President? Can’t do any worse than the comedian who’s there now!

  16. Dan K. says:

    Hey Charlie- …. if that’s your real name.

    Your trying to be funny came off as really uninspired. Personal attacks, please? My style is unique, but since you are a high school dropout, you wouldn’t know.

  17. Charlie says:

    Dank, you’re boring me.

    If you didn’t like it here the first time, then why come back, and why bother to leave a comment? I certainly haven’t clicked over to see what’s happening in your neck of the ghetto.

    I say ‘good day’ to you, sir.

  18. HR Lady says:

    King Charlie the Great:

    That was a most dignified and kingly reply to Dink. You do your subjects proud. But why do you seem to give more attention to Posterchild-for-Birthcontrol dinks than you do to your loyal subjects? They’re (the dinks) not worthy!

  19. Charlie says:

    Aw, HR Lady — you’re right. I do waste more time than I should (read: any) on the few snippy hacks who wander over here.

    But even the responses to them are mainly for your amusement.

    (Well, not just yours, of course — really everybody’s. But yeah, mainly yours. Since you made me write this comment and all.)

    And everything else here — the hundreds of thousands of words, the goofy taglines, the clips of me making an ass of myself on stage — it’s all for you guys. Not the dinks and hacks and douchebags, but for the rest of you.

    I love you guys. I’m sure I don’t tell you that often enough. Just like a man, isn’t it? *sigh*

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