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D00d! N0 \/\/@y! I @/\/\ 5ooo there!

Okay, I know it wasn’t long ago that I took a tiptoe through the spam garden, to see what kind of crap my mail filter is weeding out. And there are only so many words that you can milk out of a topic that’s so damned ubiquitous, but I just can’t resist this one.

The following email was actually delivered to me — the mail filter apparently believed that it was kosher and legit, for reasons that fail more or less miserably to make themselves apparent. But don’t take my word for it; have a look for yourself (self-protecting edits in italics; everything else verbatim from my mailbox):

From: “Yahoo*”

To: *my email address*

Subject: _Your_ Yahoo` User ID (*my email address*)

Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 13:18:00 -0500

DEAR YAHOO Client,

This` ema1l INF0RM You that _your _Yahoo_ @CCOUNT (*my email address*)

wi|l be b|ocked after* 13 _days_ (_as_ after autoomateed reegisttration) 1f Y0U will

_not_ _signup_ on Yahoo` white List (_to_ sign up – cl1ck HERE: http://*my last name*.yahoo.com/)

That_is D0NE beecause we* update now Yahoo` not` autoomateed reegistered @CCOUNTs.

qY5Y8zUecaCoeo7GR

To which I can only say… ‘D00dz. What the fuck?‘

Honestly, there’s not a single level that I get this on. It’s obviously not from Yahoo, and doesn’t seem like it’s meant to be taken seriously in that regard. Hell, they didn’t even bother to fake a Yahoo-based email address.

But it’s also one of those creepy hand-wavy emails that tells you that something baaaad is gonna happen if you don’t do something, right away, and don’t ask reasonable questions, man! Your account’s at stake!

But… the link in the email is to (my name).yahoo.com. Which doesn’t exist, and won’t, ever, as far as I can tell. There’s nothing sinister or dangerous about it, as far as I can see. So what the hell is the point? It’s so weird that it’s not even irritating; it’s just… ‘huh?’ I just don’t get it.

Maybe someone’s out there just trying to confuse people. Or to convince people that their very own subdomain of Yahoo is out there somewhere — maybe this is the ‘net version of ‘Hey, what’s that on your shirt? Made you look!‘ But even then… ‘huh?’ How would the sender even know it worked? Really, this whole damned thing just makes my head spin.

Actually, I think I just figured it out. This mail was meant to be so bizarre, so contradictory, and so surreal… that someone would eventually have to post it online and write about it. And dammit, if that’s the game, then I’ll be the sappy sucker who does it. Hell, I’m glad to do it — because I can’t think of any other fricking purpose this email could serve, and I’m not gonna sleep at night unless I convince myself that there’s some kind of meaning there.

Somehow, some way, some bastard is trying to steal my money, or get my account password, or make me buy penis-enlarging pills with this stupid cockeyed email, and I just haven’t figured out how yet. I just don’t see how it’s possible with what’s there — it makes no damned sense. And if there’s one thing I hate worse than a slimy weasel spam-spewer, it’s a slimy weasel spam-spewer who confuses the living shit out of me. How the hell do I know whether he’s won or not, with this garbage? I can’t find the frigging catch, which means he might already have my money! Help! Argh! Run for the hills!

So, fuck it. I’m just gonna assume that it means nothing, and delete the damned thing. Except… maybe that’s what he wants me to do. Maybe deleting the email is what sets off its diabolical little trap. Shit! Now I don’t know what to do. I’m confused, people. Color me boggled. I’m gonna go home and crawl under the covers. I just hope I still own my house by the time I get there. This shit is scary!