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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Hey — I’m Not the Boss of You!

I went out to grab some lunch a few minutes ago, and got a bit more than I bargained for. I went to one of those places that tries to do a little bit of everything — they’ve got muffins, and coffee, and sandwiches, and chips, and pre-made pasta dishes, and pizza, and drinks… probably, there’s some guy in the back making baklava or sushi or something, ‘just in case!’ Kind of schizophrenic, really, but I suppose having options is nice.

Anyway, that’s not the point. As usual, I’m slowly circling the point, like that last little turdlet spinning down the crapper at the end of a flush. Which is far too realistic a metaphor for my writing than I’m really comfortable with, frankly. I’m going to go back to rambling now, and try to pretend that I never thought of that.

And if I can’t do it alone, maybe I’ll recruit some delicious frothy, hoppy friends of mine to help me out later.

(Yeah, I’m talking about beer, if you didn’t catch on, there, skippy. Those are the only ‘frothy, hoppy friends’ that I have. It’s not like I’m hanging out with rabid bunny rabbits over here, okay? Don’t be a smartass. Nobody likes a smartass, and I should know, goddammit.)

Anyway, here’s the point, or at least something slightly closer to it: as I was standing at the counter, looking over the foodstuffs, one of the employees came over and asked if he could help me. Only, he didn’t ask if he could help me, ‘sir‘, or could he help me, ‘dude‘, or even could he help me out, ‘brutha‘. No, this particular gentleman asked if he could help me, ‘boss‘. I hear that every now and then — maybe it’s a New England thing; I don’t know. But I do know that I’m really not comfortable with it.

First of all, it’s not true. Not even remotely. I’m not this guy’s boss, I’m not some other guy’s boss, I’m not anybody’s boss. I don’t need that kind of pressure, dammit. Let’s be clear about this. I’m only just barely able to handle keeping myself alive, clothed, and out of jail — I’m not the sort of person you’d want to make responsible for the well-being of others. I make bad decisions, don’t clean up my own messes, and I’m not above lying, cheating, or — should it ever become necessary — having a judge whacked to cover my ass. I forget things, lose things, and occasionally find myself wearing my underwear backwards. If it weren’t for my wife handling the bills, giving me an allowance, and pre-tying my shoes for me, I’d probably be living in a Greyhound station somewhere in the Midwest right now. And I need a haircut. Badly.

All of which argues, most eloquently, that I am not to be put in a position of responsibility. Or to be called ‘boss‘ — or ‘supervisor‘, or ‘big cheese‘, or a ‘honcho‘ of any kind — by anyone, anywhere, at any time. That road leads to Shitstown, I’m afraid.

And besides, even while this guy was calling me boss — after every damned sentence, I might add — his real boss was right there! I mean, the dude had to know I wasn’t his boss, when the genuine article was standing by the register, rearranging the muffins and picking his nose. And not necessarily in that order, people. I’d avoid the breakfast breads in that place, if you know what I’m saying. You might get a little more fiber in that bran muffin than you bargained for.

In the end, I guess it worked out okay. I got my tortellini to go, and hightailed it out of there before I had to perform any ‘official’ duties, like beating the staff or hiking the prices or paying off the health inspector for all the boogery fingers in the joint. Still, I’m just not cool with being called ‘boss‘. If I wanted that kind of responsibility, I’d have a damned kid. Then I could tell somebody what to do all the time, and wouldn’t have to pay them anything. And I’d know who was doing all the nose-picking, without putting in security cameras. Why, if it weren’t for all the cash and effort and soul-sucking aggravation of having one of those little dingleberries around, that’d be the way to go.

But, it’s not gonna happen. So, don’t be throwing any ‘boss‘es in my direction, just to be safe. And now, I think I’d better call my wife. That left shoelace is looking mighty loose, so I’m gonna need her services soon. And she may have to talk me through another undies adjustment — I just wiggled around in my chair a little, and I’ve got a funny feeling that I felt the boxer flap back there where it’s not supposed to be. Man, am I glad I have myboss‘ to look after me. This shit is hard!

Permalink  |  5 Comments



5 Responses to “Hey — I’m Not the Boss of You!”

  1. Angel says:

    Good Lord, you are funny! This has seriously become one of my favorite blogs.

    About the tortellini… ar you quite sure it wasn’t likwise infected with nostril-spew? Just a thought. A nice one too, since you’ve already eaten it. ;-)

    http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/byangeleyes/Angelblog/

  2. Chasmyn says:

    Okay, I have apparently become a real Seattleite, because when you said “frothy”, my mind immediately thought “latte”. Beer didn’t even cross it for a second.

    And boss? I couldn’t handle that either, it makes me think of slavery. Yeah, I’m glad I’m on the west coast. A lot of ‘dude’ here, but at least it isn’t ‘boss’.

    I am always amazed at how able you are to come up with so many entries all the time and still have them be funny.

  3. Stevie says:

    Could be worse… people could be screaming “Bruuuuuuce!!!” atcha.

    (Springsteen? Da “Boss”? Shut up now? Okay.)

    lmao…

  4. Gir says:

    “Boss” is actually jail slang…It’s an acronym for Stupid Son Of a Bitch, (spelled backwards, of course). That’s what the inmates call the guards.

  5. elliann says:

    Nope its not a just a New England thing over across the pond, where we don’t have the same strange idolised jail culture as you, in the Real England we have the same absurdly irritating slang. We have even affectionately named our pet sandwich shop guy: “YesBoss”. I don’t think anyone actually knows his real name. It’s funny but he has the nasal habit too.

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