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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

To the Golden Retriever in Kennel #8 at the Local Animal Shelter

Because I was taught that a follow-up letter is always appreciated after an interview…


Dear ‘Sprinkles’,

Thank you very much for visiting with us on Saturday afternoon. I know I speak for my wife when I say that we truly appreciate you taking time away from your busy schedule of cage-pacing and nervous drooling to learn about our organization. The feedback from our end was uniformly positive, and we look forward to the opportunity to move forward with you in the hiring process.

As we mentioned on Saturday, we currently have a position available on our team for an Associate Domestic Canine. We feel that you obviously have the requisite experience and qualifications — i.e., four legs, shaggy hair, kibble breath — to find success in this position. As your resume indicates, you have been a canine for nearly two years now, which more than adequately meets the minimum requirements for the current opening.

The Associate Domestic Canine hire does represent a relatively junior position on our staff, but we offer ample opportunities for career advancement. By reaching certain employee milestones — pooping outside the office is a huge goal, for instance — you may soon be promoted through the ranks to Domestic Canine, Senior Domestic Canine, and Lead Domestic Canine. With years of hard work, paper-training, and slipper-fetching under your collar, you might even rise to the level of CEO — Canine Executive Officer.

(It’s a mostly honorary title, but it does come with a full sixteen-hour daily naptime, and a squeaky chew toy every afternoon. Something to shoot for.)

“For these services, there is the small and affordable copayment of having a strange person’s fingers inserted briefly into several of your orifices, and of being forced to eat heartworm pills, respectively.”

In terms of compensation, we feel our employment package is very competitive for our industry. We offer two bowls of dry kibble per day base salary, with generous biscuit and rawhide performance bonus plans. We are prepared, right now, to offer you a signing bonus of one hundred delicious Snausages, with payment to be spread throughout the first three months of employment. Additional incentive-based plans involving peanut butter, jerky strips, and the bones of large tasty animals are also open for negotiation.

Our benefits package is world-class for an organization of our size, with fresh drinking water, daily walks, flea collars, tug-of-war sessions, and professional tummy rubs fully covered and offered at no out-of-pocket cost whatsoever to qualifying employees. Our healthcare plan covers twice-yearly checkup visits to a veterinarian, as well as heartworm pills as needed. For these services, there is the small and affordable copayment of having a strange person’s fingers inserted briefly into several of your orifices, and of being forced to eat heartworm pills, respectively. For the latter, cheese will be provided at no additional cost.

We appreciate that in today’s competitive market, you may have other offers of employment. In particular, we noticed the Johnson family waiting to speak with you as we left on Saturday. Far be it from us to malign our competitors, but in our honest opinion, the Johnson firm doesn’t seem to be the best fit for your talent and experience. We hear the Johnsons don’t even have a yard. And the kid, Danny — he’s an ear-biter. You can just see it in his eyes.

We hope that you’ll seriously consider our offer, and join us for an exciting and productive relationship with our organization. As I mentioned, my wife and I are very excited at the prospect of bringing you on board, and I know our current canine employee — Sir Digs-A-Lot, Executive Vice Canine and Director of North American Bone-Hiding Operations — is anxious to meet you, as well. ‘Diggsy’ will be happy to show you the ropes around the office — which strangers to bark at, where to find the best sunbeams for naps, the key to the employee newspaper room, that sort of thing.

As a final formality, we would like to request a list of references that we may call for more information. The kennel master at your current position has already given us a fairly glowing review (‘glossy coat… don’t bite much‘), but another reference or two would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps there’s another employee who cleans your cage? Or perhaps a coworker — the terrier in kennel #6 would be fine, assuming you’ve worked together on projects in the past. We can contact him either by email or phone; just let us know which would be best.

Please feel free to bark back with any questions or concerns you may have. Nothing would please us more than to reach an employment agreement with you, pay to have your testicles surgically removed, and bring you into our organization. We welcome the opportunity to speak with you further, and look forward to our next face-to-muzzle meeting. Please consider the enclosed filthy tennis ball as a small token of our continuing interest. Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Charlie

Sr. Director of Human Canine Resources

Charlie Industries, Inc.

*Charlie Industries is an Equal Opportunity Canine Employer (EOCE)

Permalink  |  2 Comments



2 Responses to “To the Golden Retriever in Kennel #8 at the Local Animal Shelter”

  1. shelley says:

    So it sounds like the first interview went pretty well, then? I hadn’t realized you were in the market for an Associate Domestic Canine (ADC). I like what Dave Barry used to call his ADC: his “emergency backup dog.”

  2. #Debi says:

    You know what they say, though– if you’re not the Lead Domestic Canine, the view’s always the same…

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