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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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Maybe Big Bird Took a Job in Maintenance?

The office I work at has a back door. Out the back door, there’s a set of four concrete steps leading to the street. And on those stairs… is a trail of splotchy black and white and yellow gunk of some kind. It intrigues me.

Well, mainly, it sickens me — at least when I’m walking on it. But also — it intrigues me.

See, it’s almost certainly bird poop. Which is not so intriguing, generally speaking. I find my interest piqued by all sorts of ridiculous nonsense, but pigeon droppings are not usually on the list. But this — this is poop of a different feather, so to speak.

The thing is, this poop is slathered — nay, nay, caked on three of the steps behind the office. The stairs are thick with the stuff — filthy with fine feathered feces, if you will.

(No? You won’t? How about ‘dipped in dollops of dodo doodoo’? Ooh, or ‘crazy with crusty cuckoo kaka’? Right. I thought not. Moving on, then.)

So, three steps just lousy with the stuff. The other step, and the landing, and the sidewalk beyond? Nothing. That’s what intrigues me — I can’t quite figure out what’s going on out there. I’ve never seen anyone sitting out there, feeding the birds. And quite frankly, it’s not really that sort of neighborhood. Come to think of it, it’s not that kind of office, either. I can see people hanging out back strangling birds, maybe, or playing a nice game of ‘pigeon soccer’, but that’s about it. And maybe that sort of thing would knock the shit out the birds — but I wouldn’t expect it to be so centralized. You’d think there’d be bird doo and feathers and beaks and other assorted parts scattered all around. But it’s not.

There’s nothing above the crap-encrusted spot that looks like a nest, either. Or a perch, or even a high-traffic flying lane, as far as I can tell. I don’t spend a lot of time swooping over alleyways, admittedly, so I’m not particularly an expert. But if there’s some draw there for the birdies, I’m not seeing it.

That leaves the possibility that the local flying fauna are targeting those steps somehow. Which is impressive, in its own way — have you ever tried shitting on a bullseye, while flapping around at fifteen miles an hour over it? Well, I have.

(Yeah, don’t ask. I was in college. we had one of those tire swings, we were drunk, somebody bet me… it wasn’t pleasant. I still get a little upset tummy when I see a steel-belted radial. Bleh.)

Anyway, the point is — it’s hard, dammit. And if the birds aren’t standing on those three steps and shitting, then they’re fricking bombarding them from above. And I’d like to know why. And more importantly for me — since I walk on those steps at least once or twice a day — I’d sure as hell like to know when. It’s bad enough walking on those slimy stairs; I’m not interested in being caught in a poopstorm on the way to my desk. I have plenty enough of those of the virtual variety as it is, thank you very much.

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4 Responses to “Maybe Big Bird Took a Job in Maintenance?”

  1. MARYBETH says:

    Hi ,

    Is it possible the birds come there at night, leaving nothing other doo-doo which could be blamed on any feathery creature? I don’t know your location, bu it sounds like pigeons, seagulls, or geese.

    I enjoy your writing. Come by and say hi anytime.

    Namaste,

    MB

  2. oh honey

    you need to think of other things beside bird shit…

    but you gave me a much needed laugh….

  3. #Debi says:

    Dang, that alliteration is sexy! ‘K, maybe not “sexy”, exactly, but definitely impressive, nonetheless…

  4. wlfldy says:

    There’s a door leading out of my building at work, and I’ve been watching this spot on it for about 8 months now. It looks (I hope) like it’s some stuck-on chili from a long, long, long ago dinner. It’s just in the right spot, that if you aren’t looking and you just hit the door, you’re gonna touch it. So, I’m thinking probably every hand in the building has touched what ever it is. I hope beyond all hope, I haven’t touched it. I know I haven’t since I’ve discovered it anyway. But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why no one was knocking any of it off. So, I trot down with my trusty razor blade to scrape it off so I don’t have to fret over it quite so much anymore. The stuff won’t scrape. I so much want to know just what the hell it is, cause I have some dings in my car that could really use a touch up, ya know? Anyway, bird poop can make you sick, so don’t try any scraping tactics.

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