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I’m Late With Today’s Post? Outrageous!

Well, holiday crap on a Christmas cracker! I’m late! I’m gonna have to backdate this puppy, so it counts for Wednesday. Damn, I hate being all sneaky and underhanded like that.

(Sure, I’ll do it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s a little like dressing up in the crotchless overalls and the farmer hat on ‘Date Night’. It seems wrong, but there’s a big payoff at the end, so you just try not to think about it and get to the good part.

Okay, so I guess it’s not really very much like that at all, is it? The payoff here probably isn’t gonna be all that good. On the other hand, think of all the chafing I don’t have to go through!

Or, um, on second thought, don’t. No good can come from that, really. Just pretend we never had this little talk, would you?)

So, I have an excuse for my tardiness — most of which revolves around the fact that it’s Wednesday. Wednesdays are soooo not ‘freaky styley’ for me lately. I think I’ve bitched about this before, so I won’t bother you with it again.

(On the other hand, I also won’t bother to go find the link to my previous bellyaching. Time’s a-wastin’ already, folks — you can’t expect me to actually link to shit, too, can you? Jeepers.)

Anyway, the point is this — I left my house at well before 9am today, suffered through three meetings and a ‘working lunch’, and got back home at 8pm, just in time to run out the door for my show at the Emerald Isle tonight. It’s now a quarter till one in the morning (though I’ll fix that little red wagon when I post this entry), and I’ve been back home for… oh, basically long enough to creep up the stairs and out of my pants. And to write whatever you see so far. Wednesdays are hard!

But never mind all of that. The good news, if you’re the right-thinking sort of stand-up, do-right trooper that I know you are, is that I’ll soon be posting a link to tonight’s show, which actually went fairly well. And, as a bonus — and only because I love each and every one of you so much I could just squeeze the juice right outta ya — I’ll also post a link to my last show, from Wednesday the 3rd.

(See? See how I called that a ‘bonus’, even though really, I’ve just been lazy and forgotten to download the clip from the camera, and you already really deserved it long ago? Now that’s what a ‘tax cut’ is like, kiddies. Go tell your parents that you learned something today.)

All right; I have no idea where this is going, quite frankly. How about if I just throw a few random thoughts down here, and we’ll call it even until today tomorrow. Shit, I almost slipped up there; we’ll call it even until tomorrow. Right.

So, here are a few things that are on my mind at the moment:

It seems to me that a lot of people get away with smoking an awful lot of weed by calling it ‘medicinal marijuana’. That’s pretty cute, actually. But what I’m wondering is this: does that work for anything?

Can I just throw the weight of medical science behind any vice I’m interested in redeeming, and gain carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want? Can I claim ‘medicinal crystal meth’? ‘Physician-approved homocide’? ‘Clinically prescribed blowjobs’? Anybody know where the line gets drawn on this one?

Tonight, in my set — and, I believe, for the first time on stage — I used the phrase ‘ball sack’. I have two things to say about that. First, even though the obvious connotation is hilarious enough, is it humanly possible for any Simpsons fan to see or hear those words without hearing Principal Skinner in their head, saying, ‘Now chew through my ball sack‘? I assert that it is impossible.

Second, this is one of those magical phrases which can be made simultaneously nastier and more clinical-sounding by removing a single letter: ‘ball sac’. Sort of like ‘hey men’, only less so.

Yeah, I really don’t know where the hell I was going with that. Next!

In my quest to be ever-more annoying at my workplace, I’ve pledged to start using ‘outrageous‘ as much as possible in conversation. I’ve planned a three-prong attack on this front:

I’ll use it as an adjective in sort of a Queer Eye way, to describe a person’s clothing, hair, or attitude: ‘Those chinos are simply outrageous!’

I’ll use it to replace the words ‘funny’, ‘hilarious’, or ‘unboobered, especially when being ironic: ‘Oh, that Gallagher is so outrageous! What a classic!‘

Finally, I’ll use it as an exclamation when angered or upset, instead of using ‘bitches!’, ‘poopstain!’, or ‘cockpottery!’ (which I just made up… but that’s good, dammit!): ‘What? I’ve been fired for being too annoying? Outrageous!‘

If someone in my office hasn’t killed me by the end of next week, then they’re either a bunch of pansy wusses, or I’m not doing it right. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you, and good night!