Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Catching Up Is Hard to Do

Well, this is awkward. The very next day after experiencing a bout of social unpreparedness, I had the exact opposite happen. I was absolutely locked in and ready to interact with other humans — greetings rehearsed, pants on, fly zipped, psychotic ramblings muted to a bare minimum — and whoosh, my social calendar was whisked clean like a magician yanking the cloth off a dinner table. And now here I am with this stupid naked table and a useless place setting and fully zipped pants, and the snooty waiter won’t even acknowledge my metaphorically-speaking existence. Here’s how it happened:

I recently reconnected with two old friends that I hadn’t seen in a while — a guy I used to work with a few years ago, and a girl who used to also tell jokes in many of the same dingy shitholes I frequented during my standup days. It was pure coincidence that I touched base with both of them in quick succession; they were friends from completely separate activities — and degrees of soberness — and so far as I know, never met each other. It was then a supreme coincidence that we scheduled to meet up on the very same day — with him at one of our old lunch haunts, and with her for drinks at one of the aforementioned dingy shitholes. That day was today. Hence the pants, and the careful fly zippage.

I was quite excited to see both these pals again. Because… er, well. The guy and I used to scribble gibberish on the walls together in our old office, and the girl once cast me as a perpetually stinky character who’s brutally suffocated to death in a short film she was producing.

So we’re… um, you know, tight. Or something.

(Hey, given my usual level of social interactions, that practically makes these people godparents to my children.

If I were ever going to have children. Which I’m not. Because that’d just be fricking more people on the planet I’d have to deal with. No, thanks.)

“We’d traded emails, chatting about the usual stuff — abdominal injuries, elephant genitalia, shrink-rayed tiny little pickles.”

Anyway, I was all gussied up and ready to reminisce about old times with these folks. We’d traded emails, chatting about the usual stuff — abdominal injuries, elephant genitalia, shrink-rayed tiny little pickles. But seeing them in person was going to be a real hoot.

(Seeing the people in person, that is. Not the topics of conversation. I don’t need to see any of those things up close, ever. I don’t care how zipped my pants are.)

So just as I’m getting ready to head out for lunch, I get a phone call. It’s the guy, and he’s not feeling well and can’t make it, after all. Bummer.

Ten minutes later — as if they’d conspired to kick me in the miniature pickles while I’m down — I get an email from the girl. Also sick. Unable to get out, and could I take a dingy shithole rain check? Well, meh.

As the coincidences piled up and humped each other in a corner, I was left with no lunch or evening plans whatsoever. Now, I’ll go easy on the two people involved. They’re not feeling well, obviously — and there’s a chance that one of them could read this — so I’ll simply hope that they get better and that we can catch up as planned soon.

(I won’t spend any space here conjecturing about what sort of STDs health conditions each of them may have. Or whether they gave them to each other.

Because that would be wrong.)

In the meantime, I’ll double-check my deodorant and go over the emails we traded. I don’t remember saying anything inflammatory to either of them — though I suppose if I sent the tiny pickle reference to the pachyderm wang one, and vice versa… hoo boy. I suppose that would cause a bit of a stir. But I don’t think that happened. I’m pretty good at keeping my ridiculous topics and the proper recipients in order.

(I can’t balance a checkbook or remember where I park the car at the grocery store, but this I can do. Talk about your ‘non-marketable skills’.)

The message I’m taking from all of this — as usual — is that there’s simply no way to win here. Be socially unprepared, and the world parties around you — whether you really want them to or not. Gird your social loins for action, and you’ll wind up with an empty dance card, no action, and loins all girded up for nothing.

But at least your pants will be zipped. If you’re lucky. I guess that’s something.

Permalink  |  2 Comments



2 Responses to “Catching Up Is Hard to Do”

  1. Mike says:

    They pretended they were sick cuz they got a better offer… from me. Lunch and drinks were great ;)

  2. Charlie says:

    Damn. I knew my policy of not putting out until Thursdays would bite me in the ass some day.

    You’ve won this round, mister. Kudos to you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved