Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Eat It and Weep!

On Wednesdays, I play volleyball. After our matches, the team will often pack up, sweaty and exhausted, to have a late dinner at a particular local bar called Roggie’s. We get there around ten thirty — just time enough to stuff our gullets and have a beer or three before collapsing for the night. It works out well.

Mostly.

The problem with this place is not the food. For a bar, the food is excellent and the selection is superb. Actually, I just noticed that they’re calling themselves a ‘New Age Grille’ or some such thing. I’m not sure what I’d expect from a ‘new age’ grille, exactly — hemp-wearing hippie bartenders, magic voodoo crystals on the walls, waitresses who take your order via phrenology, maybe — but none of that nonsense is in evidence at Roggie’s.

(Guys, you’re a bar. A Boston College bar, with nicer TVs and cleaner bathrooms than most, and yes, excellent bar food. But you’re still a bar. Deal with it. Embrace it. You’ll be fine.)

The service at Roggie’s is also not the problem. Occasionally, it’s a problem, but it’s not the problem. Besides, we’ve all got legs in our group; if we run out of beer, we can always walk to the bar for a refill. We’re not that helpless after a night of volleyballery.

And certainly, the beer at Roggie’s is no problem at all. At least, not for me — they’ve got Guinness on tap, and it comes out cold and wet, so what’s not to like? Nothing, that’s what. There’s nothing not to like.

“Their appetizers are oversized, their burgers look like someone wrapped a cow in a sesame-seed blanket, and their ‘footlong’ subs are at least sixteen inches long. I’ve measured.”

The real problem with Roggie’s lies in the volume of the food they give you. Take my dish, for instance. When I go there, I always get the ‘Chicken Ziti Broccoli’. I just like the variety; those are three tasty things, and they go together swimmingly.

(Not all tasty things work that way, you know. It takes a special combination of tastiness to blend properly.

‘Jalapeno Hummus Cupcakes’, for instance, would be reasonably awful. Or ‘Mustard Fudge Fritos’. Also bad. Or ‘Black Cherry Vanilla Coke‘. Not so swimming.)

The food itself is fantastic. The chicken is tender, the ziti is smothered in garlic sauce, and there’s just enough broccoli to let you believe the dish might actually be good for you. Or would be, anyway, if you weren’t also drinking Guinness and shoving twelve slices of garlic bread into your pants for the ride home.

Here’s the thing — they simply serve too much food. And it’s not just a pasta problem. Their appetizers are oversized, their burgers look like someone wrapped a cow in a sesame-seed blanket, and their ‘footlong’ subs are at least sixteen inches long. I’ve measured. Those things would bring a tear to Takeru Kobayashi‘s eye.

Or for that matter, Ron Jeremy’s. But probably for a slightly different reason.

The biggest problem with Roggie’s culinary pile-on is that they manage to make finishing a dish seem possible. Other high-volume restaraunteurs don’t do that; they break your spirit before you’ve even ordered, to make sure you won’t do anything foolish. Go to Olive Garden, for instance — they’ve got a bottomless salad bowl, for chrissakes. No matter how much lettuce you can cram down your gob, WE’LL GIVE YOU MORE. That’s good to know up front. Because stuffing eight pounds off lettuce into yourself to prove a point is only hurting yourself. Twice.

Cheesecake Factory works in a slightly different way. You don’t get any warning in advance about the size of your food — but when the waiter serves your salad in a satellite dish, with a pitcher of vinagrette on the side, you know the score. You’re either leaving with a doggy bag, or in a body bag. Those are the options. You want fries with those?

Roggie’s is different. At Roggie’s, you’re served a reasonable, healthy, sane portion of food. And then, about fifty percent more, sitting around the healthy portion on the edges of the plate. Just waiting. Biding time. And when you’ve finished all of the meal that you really want, you look at the plate and say:

Well, that’s not enough to take home, surely. I’ll just have a few more bites.

Ten minutes later, you’re stuffed to the gills. But there are only a few meager scraps of food left. And you are a charter member of the Clean Plate Club, aren’t you?

Eh, just a couple more forkfuls. I’ll make it.

Only, those forkfuls were hiding a few more forkfuls — and you feel like you’ve been forking all night already. But the end is in sight; you just have to ignore the chest pains and acid reflux to get there.

Must… finish… meal… Can’t… quit… now…

And eventually, you make it. Your pants are pushed down to your thighs and you can’t feel your left arm any more, but you made it! You hung in there with a heroic, once-in-a-lifetime effort, and you beat that dish. You’ll need a few days — and a dose of rhino laxative, and possibly a blood transfusion — to recover, but it’s all over now. Relax.

And thank your lucky stars that volleyball doesn’t come around again for a whole ‘nother week. Get those pipes cleaned out by then, bub — Wednesdays are Roggie’s nights!

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “Eat It and Weep!”

  1. Hazel Hazel says:

    You are so right on this. And it is the reason that:

    1. Every menu item is at least $12.95

    2. Except appetizers, they’re $8.95

    3. And refillable sodas are $2

    4. We are an obese society

    5. People are forced to eat fast food because it’s all they can afford.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved