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The Sweet, Sweet Smell of Vindication

Aw, crap, people — don’t encourage me. It’ll only get worse if you encourage me.

On Saturday, I frothed myself up into some weird state of mind and patched together this post about how people ought to be able to find this site by searching for ‘nutsack’.

(Yeah, I know. Don’t ask me what the hell I was thinking. I get a little crazy on the weekends sometimes. Some people go out and get hammered in their free time; others gamble and pick up hookers and shoot heroine into their jugular veins. I, apparently, sit at my computer and write about ‘nutsacks’. Whose life would you rather have?

And just for the record, I get hammered occasionally, too. Usually so I’ll forget the ridiculous crap I’ve just written. One of these days, maybe it’ll actually work.)

Anyway, as ludicrous a premise as that was, there’s no denying when something works. I posted that entry at 5:58pm local time (EST) on Saturday. And today at 1:29pm, less than 72 hours later, this referring URL showed up in the site logs:

http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=nutsack

Astute (and curious) readers who click through to the search results will note that I am currently, according to MSN, the #9 informational resource for ‘nutsack’ on all the web. It seems that a strategically-placed post — littered with a term that almost no one else would have any damned use for — can be a powerful thing, indeed. And it proves that at least one person out there is searching for ‘nutsack’. You poor, deranged, perverted monkey, you.

(And it shows that MSN is keeping track of such things. Which is sort of appropriate, in my book, because when I think of MicroSoft, ‘nutsack’ is often the first term that comes to mind.)

So, while I’m still not sure what frigging planet I was on when I wrote that post, it’s nice to know that someone out there has noticed. And is now cursing me, since I don’t have anything here to do with actual nutsacks; I was just getting my perverse search engine jollies off. So if you came here looking for real nutsack pictures, or stories, or jewelry, or glittery Christmas tree-style decorative tinsel, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Far be it from me to keep you from your appointed scrotal rounds. Please, continue your quest.

Meanwhile — speaking of perverse jollies and curious readers — did anyone else notice the top two search hits in the link above? Hit #2 is the ‘Scrotum Gift Shop‘, coming to us all the way from Australia.

(Which is also the home of the newly-returned Monkey, who’s (finally!) regaling us again with her stories, musings, and verbal smackdowns. Yay, Monkey! Welcome back!

And is it a coincidence that we hear from her again in the same week that we discover a storefront that advertises ‘kangaroo scrotum pouches’, in her very homeland?

My god, I hope so. Heaven help us all.)

Anyway, as I just found out, the ‘scrotum shop’ link is broken, so that’s not nearly as exciting as I hoped it would be. I was especially piqued by the description in the search results: ‘small gifts for big surprise‘. Yeah, I think that would qualify:

Party Guest: Happy birthday, Timmy! Open my present next!

Timmy: *rip* *rip* *shred* Oh, wow, it’s a… um, a pouchy kind of thing. Like a fanny pack, or… a man-purse? A shoulder bag? What the hell is this?

Party Guest: Why, it’s a kangaroo scrotum, of course! Yay! Pass it around — everyone have a feel!

Timmy: I so should have killed you when I had the chance.

Yeah. Good riddance to that site. Birthdays are goddamned hard enough without throwing nad bags into the mix.

And that brings us to the #1 site in the search, which is — appropriately and frightening enough — Nutsack.com. Folks, there’s a nutsack.com out there. I kid you not. Lead the women and children into the fallout shelter in the basement and lock yourselves in. The end can’t be far off now.

Seriously, though, some dude out there registered nutsack.com. And, I’m happy to see, he’s done just about as little to get his #1 ranking as I did to get my #9. So I don’t feel so bad. The main feature on the site at the moment is a picture of a squirrel.

Which might make you think, ‘Oho — a squirrel. And they eat nuts! Perhaps this is not that sort of ‘nutsack’ thing, after all. Suddenly, I’m cautiously optimistic that I’ll emerge unscathed from nutsack.com, after all!‘

Of course, if you take a closer look at the piccy, you’ll find that your initial relief was unfounded, and you’re going to need that Brillo pad to scrub down your eyeballs, after all.

(Go on, click through — I dare ya. Double dog dare ya. Perv.)

Okay, I think that’s plenty enough space devoted to this topic. Next post, we’ll get back to something more in the mainstream of what this place is all about — and if I ever figure out what the hell that is, I’ll let you know. But for now, you have my solemn promise that you’ve seen the last ‘nutsack’ on my site. I’ll not be using the ‘little-n, little-s word’ around here any more. Let’s never speak of this again, and try to pretend it was all a bad dream, eh?