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Zolton's Facebook Follies: If You're Lying, I'm Buying

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

I get lied to all the time. My wife, my boss, my neighbors, my friends -- it seems like every time I turn around, somebody new is trying to blow smoke up my ass.

Which means I turn around verrrry carefully these days. There are some places where you really don't want to "inhale". Trust me.

But if there's one set of people I do not want lying to me, it's advertisers. I mean, if you can't trust a bunch of slicked-back, oversuited, undersouled, marketing twinks to give you the straight dope, then who can you trust?

So when I run into a product being hawked with less-than-literal verbiage, I take offense. And I get chatty. Read on for my actual comments on the pages of fibbing firms all over freaking Facebook.

Also, there's bacon. Delicious bacon. And that's no lie.

I started my truth-seeking with Smucker's, who make -- and then backpedaled on -- a pretty outrageous claim:

Way to stick to your sugary guns, Smuckups. "Got to be" means "GOT TO BE". Get it right, jellyheads.

Next, I barked up Purina's tree. Their treats are like doggy crack. But are they bacon-good? I let my mutt decide:

To be fair, Lay's wasn't lying, exactly. But those bitches still owe me a bag of snacks:

And then there was Bounty. I found them out of necessity, and just hoped their claims weren't too good to be true. But of course, they were:

Seems like an awful lot of trouble, just to find the truth. I don't remember Mulder and Scully going through this shit.

Last time, Zolton found his "feminine side" with Sara Lee, Jo-Ann Fabric, PAM and Mary Kay. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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