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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Girls, Girls, Girls!

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

There are times in a man's life when he just wants to hang with his bros. We drink beer, we smoke cigars, we belch and cuss and scratch ourselves inappropriately and watch tight-pantsed athletic men play professional sports without thinking too hard about why we get so gosh-darned excited about it.

(But DUH. Because we get to drink and smoke and scratch during the games. Obviously.)

Still, as the philosophers say: man cannot live with bros alone. We can't just hang out in little sweaty clusters, huddled on couches and oozing testosterone at each other. People would talk. No, sometimes we need a more feminine touch.

And to reconnect with my own female-leaning bits, I've decided this time to only review products with a girl's name at the top of the letterhead. Read on for my actual Facebook posts, as we rub elbows -- and boobs -- with some of the world's most beloved female figureheads.

And please excuse the inappropriate scratching, ladies. Old habits die hard.

My first visit was to Sara Lee Desserts, who I really feel should raise their game to a sixth-grade reading level, at least:

Sara Lee -- or one of her 'Eempah Leempahs', perhaps -- mostly ignored my objection, but answered in the sugariest way possible:

Next, I asked a very simple question at Jo-Ann Fabrics -- and got a touchy-feely artsy-assed answer:

The Jo-Ann folks followed that with another, more chilling reply:

The message being that some of the pipe cleaners they sell cannot be

used to clean pipes
. Black is white! Up is down! Rick Santorum is Charles Nelson Reilly! Stop the world, Jo-Ann; my pipe wants to get off.

Then, I tried to beat the heat by asking the folks at Pam for advice -- but that turned into a "sticky situation", too:

Surely, I thought, the gals at Mary Kay would help me in my hour of fashion emergency.

(Not necessarily -- and don't call them Shirley.):

Finally -- smoked out, sticky and singed -- I paid a visit to the girl I may have loved the most before -- plump and juicy Wendy's. Or rather, slim and svelte Wendy's:

All in all, it was a pleasant jaunt through the 'fairer' side of Facebook. Also, I totally copped a feel when I was sliding past Jo-Ann, and she didn't even notice. So yeah, bros -- this was a good day. And I barely cussed or burped out loud at all.

Maybe I should try that fruity tropical toe cream, after all.

Last week, Zolton yukked it up with Secret deodorant, Omaha Steaks, Lever 2000 and Progresso soup. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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