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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Breakfast in a Bottle

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Like a lot of people, I wake up thirsty most mornings. Whether that's just a normal sleepytime phenomenon or I have a lot of dreams where I'm French-kissing a giant marshmallow is neither here nor there.

It's not weird. No, YOU shut up.

Anyway, I don't want to get up and grab the same old drink as everyone else. I want something more exciting. Coffee gets old after a while. Water is boring. Milk is for babies and people with Colonel Sanders mustache envy. And tequila -- well, there's nothing wrong with a tall cold glass of tequila in the morning. Until you find yourself brushing your teeth with Aqua Velva and splashing Pepsodent behind your ears. The worm giveth, verily -- but the worm mostly taketh away.

In my quest for a new go-to breakfast quaff, I found several candidates worth a closer look -- and taste. Read on for my reviews -- and my actual Facebook posts -- of some truly exciting breakfast beverage choices. It might just change the way you wake up in the morning.

Or you might stick to the tequila. Old habitos are hard to break, si?

My first drink of choice was an oldie -- V8. But what I never knew is that it's also a not-so-baddie. That didn't sound right to me, but V8 basically ignored my protest:

Clearly, they only want me for my caber.

Next, I tried one of Odwalla's excellent smoothies -- delicious, earth-conscious and large flightless bird-free. I just wish I knew how the empty bottle works:

Tropicana makes honest, straightforward orange juice, which is great. They also make these crazy 'Trop50' products -- and they have a crazy shill to match:

Finally, I went a little... uh, kooky myself when I discovered one of Silk's fancy products. I guess even a blind squirrel can find a... well, you know:

So did I come up empty in my thirst for breakfast bev knowledge? I dunno; ask Jose Cuervo. He's been taking all my calls since seven thirty this morning. Happy breakfast, hombres!

Last week, Zolton got in touch with his agricultural side with Hillshire, State, Pepperidge and Boone's Farms. Want to join in on the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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