Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

« It's Just Not Fair, Dammit! | Main | So, How Many Weight Watchers Points Would 'M&Ms Chili' Be? »

Oh, I'll Be an Asshole... But What Kind of Asshole?

I have a decision to make. The deadline is tomorrow morning, around nine o'clock. And I have no idea which way I'm gonna go yet. Maybe you can help me.

See, three days a week I drive my dog to her 'school' on the way to work. It's a place that does training, and lets dogs socialize, and keeps them exercised and all of that.

(Yes, I know. It's 'doggie day care'. You think I don't feel the shame? That I don't know how frigging ridiculous that sounds? That I don't see the smirks when I tell people? And worst of all, that the dog -- the damned dog -- is more pampered than I am? Oh, I know. I most certainly know.

But what the hell can I do? She's already been there for three years or so. I can't very well unenroll her. I'm not going to pull her out of classes, now that she's settled into a routine. The best I can hope for is that she gets herself expelled for not studying, or talking in class, or getting caught doing drugs. It's a longshot at best, I realize.

Still, it's all I've got. That's why I've started grinding marijuana leaves into her food every morning. So far, the folks at the kennel haven't noticed. And the dog has been eating all the chips and Twinkies in the house. Damn. Maybe I need a new plan.)

Anyway, I take her over there three days a week. And the guy that runs the place always says hello, and chats for a while. He's usually pretty cool. Until recently, that is. Lately, things have changed. It's different now. Tense. Edgy. Different.

Here's the problem: since the World Series started, this guy's become a Yankee backer. Now, he never talked about baseball before. I remember him even saying once that he doesn't like baseball. But ever since the damned Yankees manhandled the hometown Red Sox to advance to the big dance, this guy's been acting like he's from the Bronx. Maybe he's just been yanking my chain. Or maybe he's hopped on the bandwagon. Maybe he's channeling that big fatassed Babe Ruth. I don't know. And frankly, I don't care. It's payback time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a big Marlins fan. And that's why I didn't say anything up till now. I just took my medicine, and sucked up the 'How 'bout those Yankees?' and 'Did you see New York kick ass last night?'. Well, that would be fine from a guy who's been a Yankhole for years and years. You'll never convince me that George Steinbrenner's not the Antichrist, but I could at least respect a fan with some consistency. A little bit of loyalty. But this 'fair-weather' shit? Nuh-uh. That shit don't fly, people.

And so, when I see this guy tomorrow, I'm simply gonna have to say something. The Marlins shut the Yankees down -- in their own house, no less -- and he's going to hear about it. Oh, yes. The question is: what angle should I take? Below are just a few of the many options. And so I ask you -- what kind of asshole should I be? I'm like a kid in a candy store here -- I simply can't bring myself to choose.

Okay, that's all I can think of off the top of my head. Given all the assholes I've dealt with, I'm sure I'm missing many, many other kinds. But for now, I'll go with these. Now I just need to decide which one to unleash on the guy. Man, it's hard to choose. But damn, is this going to be fun! Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!

Permalink | Comments (7)


That is a hard choice although maybe the button punching prick is the best of the bunch. Although you could go with the holier than thou prick comment which would go something like. "That game is exactly why I could never be a Yankees fan" It's kinda good you slam the Yankee's and don't have to dedicate yourself to any other team.

Or how about the psycho prick. "Man someone should go ram a flaming bat up Clemens's a$$" Alright that one is weak but I think naming their holy grail player and threatening him with bodily harm could be fun!

I personally like the Button-Punching Prick.

the button-punching prick. definately.

I have to agree with everyone. Button-Punching all the way. Normally I would never condone it, but this is a YANKEES fan we're talking about.

No mercy!

I'm torn between the Button-Punching Prick and the Aw-Shucks Shithead. Either way, shut the guy up!!

Seeing how much it annoyed my Yankee loving friends at work today the aw shucks shithead is the best in my book.

I'm just glad that there won't be a ticker tape parade in front of my office. The rally the day after game 7 was more than enough torture for me.

'Know-It-All Numbnuts' was my favorite. Laden with sarcasm, you can't go wrong.

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved